AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

I'm not talking about financial contribution only, although OPis. OP hasn't actually said that she does everything for him. But lets assume he's basically treating her like his maid and doesn't even put his own socks in the laundry basket.

I still find it very unlikely that she's putting more into the relationship than he is. There is not that much domestic work associated with one adult male. She may of course be extremely good in bed, stunningly beautiful to look great on his arm at corporate events or bring something else to the table other than housework.

But I agree relationships are about far more than finances. If they were he wouldn't be with her because he's not financially benefitting.

The issue is that this relationship seems (as someone else said) like a business relationship, not a relationship of mutual support where you don't worry if contributions technically balance because you both value supporting the other person over technical equality.

So you're saying that his share will increase over time because he's paying more of the mortgage?

Anyway that's kind of irrelevant because he's creating such an unpleasant place for your children to grow up in. And for you also. He hasn't "taken on your kids" and appears to largely ignore them. I had a boyfriend who was similar - he was actually very kind to my children, but he never put them first. And if we went on holiday or days out, that he wanted (and in fact pushed for), he never offered to contribute. I didn't live with him for this reason.

It's messy OP, but I'd disentangle and move out asap if I were you. This isn't a good environment for your children.

But you are talking about your financial contribution only. That is not an entire marriage. There is much much more to a relationship than finances. Sorry for all my posts but this really bugs me!! Feel so sorry for you OP!

This. Either you're a family or you're not.

No, it doesn’t. A stepparent is a legal stranger, and has no responsibility for a stepchild. It’s a title, that’s it. You may not like this, and it may not reflect your personal values, but it is nonetheless true.

Op is the only one in her marriage responsible for her children, as she knew she would be going into it.

The key issue here is that, regardless of income or children, you aren't working as a team.

If it was just you two and you were cooking dinner but you suddenly had to rush to the local postbox to send a birthday card to a relative, he would presumably keep an eye on the dinner.

It feels like he is getting resentful of doing things around the house when he is providing most of the money. However, that path will just lead to relationship ruin.

In a partnership, you both should be pulling your weight around the house. If he lived alone, he'd be doing it all himself. Whereas, in this home, it seems like you are doing the majority of home care and cooking yet he isn't recognising that contribution as he is only seeing 'monetary' contribution.

You both really need to sit down together and get on the same page as a team. Resentment will build from you as he isn't valuing your physical contribution and resentment will build from him as he thinks he is 'providing' enough due to having the bigger finances.

Strip it back. Discuss what that would look like if it was just the two of you. Assign roles, split the household jobs (if you're happy to continue doing most of the house work, despite also working 4 days per week, in lieu of financial contributions, that's fine but I don't think it will work long term as you will burn out.)

Then add the children back in. Be clear you don't expect him to do anything for them BUT there will be times when you need to lean on your partnership to get everything done and meet everyone's needs as you can't do it alone. If he is going to get annoyed about keeping an eye on his own dinner for a few minutes whilst you pick up your child, then he really needs to reframe his thinking. Would he have the same level of annoyance if you suddenly had to pop to the loo and he took over?

Financial contribution doesn't negate shared house responsibilities. I don't call working 4 days per week 'very part time', it's nearly full time. Therefore he should also be pulling his weight in the house.

If he isn't happy with the finances then I would suggest that (as you've said you pay for the food) he pays more towards food than he is currently doing and you pay some towards the mortgage instead so he actually starts to see you as actively contributing. In reality it's just shifting funds from what you are mostly contributing to, to somewhere where it's more 'visible' for him.

You both need to get on the same page though. I only work part time but we are a team and everything is split (even though he works and earns more) in a way that feels fair but, ultimately, we are married and we share finances. It's all 'ours'. This nit picking and being annoyed with each other will end the relationship if left to fester.

Yes it does!!! When you marry someone with children you become a STEP PARENT to those children for Christ sake. He knew that very well. What he is doing is really petty and he's actually a shit person.

I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. [...] I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.

The contributions she's talking about are of very little value - she's basically covering what she would have to cover anyway if they weren't together. She's got a good deal for the significant financial contribution she's made (the house deposit) - she lives mortgage free and the equity split is generous.

I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. Is where he's being a shit. He's not wrong, he's wrong for clearly caring so much and for keeping on saying it.

I don't see the problem with this. When DH and I got married, decades ago and albeit no children at that time. I had my own house with significant equity. We had a legal agreement that the capital gains (or losses) were proportionate from the date of the marriage. My equity was 60% and DH paid off a bit of the mortgage to purchase a bit of mortgage. Our contributions at that time were equal but when I had children, I gave up work and DH's earnings increased exponentially. When they did, DH never commented.

I don't think this is to do with the financial arrangement, it has everything to do with a man's attitude to helping his partner.

Finances are not everything in a marriage and you work 4 days and by the sounds of it do the lions share of housework/cooking/cleaning right? Which IS contributing hugely not just to your children but to him as well. It really pisses me off when marriages get transactional like this and even PP are helping him point score. He married you presumedly because he loved you right? Let's hope so at least. And he married your children too because you are a package deal. Asking him to do very minor inconvenient things such as stirring the dinner for ten mins and doing one pick up from sports should not be too much of an ask at all. It's not like you are working 10 hours a week and lounging by the pool all day. And your finances should be shared now. You are married. You are not a wife appliance that he pays for.

Just in case it's not clear. I think he's a shit and I wouldn't be with him. But this is the deal the OP signed up for. She can talk to him and tell him it isn't working out for her, and see whether he's willing for more of a coparent relationship. Or she can leave him if she isn't getting enough out of this relationship to justify to her living with such an arse who won't even check on dinner.

Only question is why? Why have you let it get like this?

The thing is most men are ok with financially supporting a woman because she's contributing by being at home with his kids.

These kids aren't his kids, so he's supporting you financially to raise another man's kids.

I can see why that would irritate him. How many hours a week are you able to work?

If he moans then tough, tell him you can’t cook dinner as you are picking up your dc, he will have to make dinner.

He's got money, so his response is 'sure' and he goes on to order takeout for just himself. Or he bungs something in the oven just for him. The cooking of dinner is an activity that benefits him, OP and both of her children. Maybe he places an unusually high value on OP's cooking / having a home cooked meal and so saying 'you have to make dinner' will make him immediately go 'oh I understand now - I'll go pick up the child', but I don't think it will play out that way. Far more likely OP ends up with having to pick up her child, cook dinner for herself and her kids and have a husband who highlights even more that he brings more to the table than her.

He explicitly didn’t sign up for that at all.

OP however did sign up to marry him knowing that he wasn’t going to take on her children as his responsibility, financial or otherwise. That’s on her.

I do not do any picking up and dropping off ever for my step kids.

if I am Making dinner I make for all of us. If there’s washing to be done I bung à whole load in and shout has anyone got any washing. I’ll ask if there’s anything anyone wants for the Tesco order.

but. I don’t do any pick ups or drop offs ever. I don’t do make sure you have xyz for school and don’t forget your lunchbox.

He knew what he was signing up for when he married a woman with children and presumably a difficult ex.
I may have missed it, but does he have any children?
I do think getting with a childless man can be very complicated. Having said that, one of my closest friends married a childfree man and she had 2 primary aged children. He has been wonderful with them and treated them better than their own father ever did.
I think you need to let your dh do more around the house whilst you concentrate on your dc. If he moans then tough, tell him you can’t cook dinner as you are picking up your dc, he will have to make dinner.
This us the reality when you get with someone who is a parent.

Yes and I wouldn't be in that relationship. She'd be completely justified in not wanting to be in that relationship. But it sounds like this is the relationship she agreed to and she's not talking about her issue being him seeing it as a business relationship. She's saying 'I pay for all of this, and I paid the larger part of the house deposit, he is undervaluing my financial contribution'. She's treating the relationship the same way.

If there is equity (above the deposit and sale costs) in the house, if she leaves him now I think it's likely she will come out of this relationship financially up, and he will be significantly financially down. So unless there isn't equity, I'd just cut my losses and go. I wouldn't live like this. But I suspect the reality is that she wouldn't be able to get close to replicating her current lifestyle if they divorced.

I'd be pretty disgusted with a stepmother who wouldn't step up on the occasional basis to help. Yes we do make comments about nannies with fannys but the difference is father's who are expecting the woman to do everything.

This isn't about stepchildren this is about a man who has no respect or care for his wife at all.

I have 2 step kids.

we don’t live together because his kids are younger than mine and im not up for doing running after kids anymore. I wouldn’t do a pick up or a drop off. Not even once.

The dinner I’d expect him to keep an eye on.

and I wouldn’t take into account what you do for your kids as part of split of household chores.

I do recognise that most women are different to me, and people on here think that’s a weird way to work but it’s my oh responsibility to see to his own kids.

knob with a job ?

How old are the kids and how long have you been with your partner?
Did you live together before buying the house?
It seems you are both now discovering little niggles about each other.
People are right - if stepmums are being asked to collect SC then people argue it's not their responsibility and their dad should make sure he is available for his children, so this is the same as you wanting him to pick up the children who aren't his and it's fine for him to say no if this is a problem for him.

Did you not discuss the house location either?

I feel like you have not really considered the bigger picture and were happy to have found a man to marry after a failed relationship, especially a man with a good salary, but the finer details such as taking the kids to a school that is further away and arrangements for them has been neglected.

I’m not saying it is unusual. I‘m saying that other stepparents choosing to do it, doesn’t oblige him to follow suit. It’s very apparent that he didn’t sign up for that, and isn’t going to do it.

If OP wanted a husband that would wholeheartedly coparent with her, then this wasn’t the man to marry.

Objectively, what the OP is describing is a business relationship, not an emotional partnership

So effectively, the point is that OP is completely justified in thinking he shouldn't be pissy with her about her asking him to check on dinner. She is also completely justified in not wanting to be in a relationship where she feels it's constantly pointed out to her she doesn't bring as much to the table as him.

However, where I disagree is her position that he is actually undervaluing her contribution. He isn't. His contribution is bigger than hers.

But it shouldn't matter that his contribution is bigger than hers. Objectively in my relationship my contribution (if you try to somehow tot it up) is bigger than my husband's. Significantly. But I have no issue with that because I want to be with him and I don't think a relationship should be about keeping score.