AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

He sounds like a knob. I assume some of the dinner you were cooking was for him? Even if not the conversation should go something like “I’m just off to pick Jess from brownies, could you check on the dinner in 10 min” “yes sure”. Even if he’s contributing every penny this is basic family life?

I’d be having a very full and honest conversation with him, as others have said you’ve got kids and inflicting someone who behaves like a passive agressive wanker on them for their childhoods is not fair. Plus if you let this go it will only get worse. Personally I’d be happy in a smaller home on my own with my kids. But he’s either part of the family or not.

If he does feel that the finances aren’t fair then he should raise this like a mature adult, not by behaving like a dick.

It’s clear from the OP that they don’t have that type of marriage because OP has ring fenced her share of the house deposit. He may have a higher income than her, but she has more wealth that she wasn’t willing to share, so why should he now be expected to share his income?

This!!

How can you draw his attention to a) your financial contribution including food, which is currently quite expensive, and also cooking / cleaning kitchen / housework, which is free labour?

Honestly it is time we got the marriage contract updated to include women’s invisible work by law.

He doesn’t need childcare. She does. He would need a lot less cooking, cleaning and admin were it not for OPs children. I can totally understand why he’s hacked off tbh.

OP you have to see that this whole situation was going to throw up issues. Your EH contributes nothing financially to his children and you haven’t pursued this, yet DH is paying the mortgage and bills and you’re working PT to support ExH’s demands about schools?

You are then asking him to do household chores because of your children. Admittedly they’re minor and I’d do that for a friend, let alone a partner but I think they’re the tip of the iceberg for him.

So time to rethink. Acknowledge how he feels and think about whether he is worth it. Do you love him? Is he generally helpful and a good guy? Or do you just stay because it’s easier and splitting up will be too difficult.

if you do really want to stay with him, I think I’d have a full and frank discussion about how this makes you feel. But you also have to listen to how he feels and make a plan going forward that you can both accept.

Does he feel like you don't value his contribution? You say he is a big part of your DCs lives, he is good with them and treats them, you are working part time and he is paying most of the bills to accommodate you and your DC. Yet your focus is on your contribution not being appreciated, it sounds like you are in a very fortunate position to be working part time and supported with bills and raising the DC by a man who isn't their father.

Possibly. But having been taken advantage of, I won’t be again.

if my OH doesn’t like it, hes free to split up with me. I’ve no intention of living with him whilst he has kids that are still on his payroll. Fwiw I am a,so the higher earner - I earn approximately 3x what he does.

It doesn't take much imagination or common sense to look at young kids and know/figure out how long you'll be 'stuck' raising them.

I thought a pre nup wasn’t binding in the UK?

I highly doubt it.

Even if OP was only earning £12k a year.
His salary is 6x hers and so he’d be on at least £70k a year.
So in total they’re receiving a minimum of £80k+ a year.

Benefits won’t be anywhere near even half of that amount.

I do think resentment builds over time.

It reminds me of my friend who moved in with a man with 2 kids, he had a really nice place and it was very different to her old lifestyle. She liked the idea of a part time, ready made family.

Now reality is kicking in and it’s not all roses.
She is seeing her friends kids all growing up and her friends have got their independence back etc and they’ve got nice homes and money for holidays etc but she is ‘stuck’ with him helping him raise his DCs, he’s not as fun or nice as he once was etc.

I think it’s quite common to be swept up with things at the beginning but often the reality is very different.
I think if DH sees other people living on his salary with a much better lifestyle then he’s probably comparing his life to theirs.

I do think having stepkids often makes things more difficult.

As I said, it’s pathetic that he couldn’t keep an eye on dinner and there is no excuse for that but I do wonder if it’s just a small example of his resentment.
Doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like he thinks he simply shouldn't have to spend 10 of his precious minutes doing something minor to support his wife and the children he knowingly took on.
What a peach he is.

Are you actually worse off for being married to this rich man? You are servicing a larger house, his income has removed your benefits?

We have different understandings of what marriage entails, then.

Nope. I certainly wouldn’t be paying childcare for kids that arent mine.

and I’d expect bills to be proportional to the no of people each of us brought to the relationship. And also proportional to income. But her bills for her kids are hers. (In my case, his)

OP - I got together with my DH when my children were 6 and 2. We then had one of our own. We share all our money and there was never any distinction financially between our children. My Ex did contribute financially too but my DH has supported and subsidised all the children. Now he is choosing to take early retirement so I’ll be subsidising him for a bit. I just don’t see how family life can work otherwise.

The majority of cleaning/ cooking/ childcare/ house and life admin will be from her and her children.

If DH lived alone he’d financially better off by just paying someone to do it.

I work FT and still manage all of the above.
I would not accept a man and his 2 DCs moving in with me and him not working FT and not doing the majority of the stuff for his kids.

If I posted that I was moving in with a man and his 2 DCs but I was paying the majority of all bills, working FT whilst he worked PT and on top he wanted me to do more home tasks - everyone would be telling me to run for the hills.

As I said, it’s pathetic that he couldn’t keep an eye on dinner and there is no excuse for that but I do wonder if it’s just a small example of his resentment.

They didn't marry after an episode of mafs.
He knew and agreed. Something has changed.
Could it be that prices going up leaves OP with less as well.
I agree CMS claim needed.
But why did partner agree and now resent?

Well, silly me, I sort of thought when you went into a relationship with someone you became involved in everything.
Even if she technically paid for childcare out of her income, there'd be less left for other things, so he'd have to contribute more in one way or another.

You own a bigger share, put he is paying more than you, I expect others have pointed this out to him.
Why are you only working part time?

I think OP has set the standard by ring fencing her deposit. It seems as though she expects him to share his financial contribution (in terms of paying all the household bills), but isn’t sharing hers (in the form of the house deposit). I don’t think you can expect to have it both ways.

Why would he be paying childcare for children that arent his?

I’d take the exh to court to change schools, and develop a very short fuse with the dh because he can build a bridge and get the fuck over himself, he chose to marry someone who doesn’t earn as much and he chose to marry someone with dc and like fuck the would I be the punching bag for either of these choices he made. Him: whine. You: ‘we can live in <cheap suburb> and I can contribute more but you won’t have that. Stop behaving like you want me poor and grow up and cook dinner like all single men have to. I’m this close to stopping cooking for you full stop.

To me you're either married and 'in' life as a partnership and all that that entails - previous baggage, children, elderly parents, disparity in income, health matters. Or you're not.
Your husband now sounds like a bit of an asshole. He knew the score before you married, you even had a pre nup. You work 4 days a week, this is almost full time and you have children to deal with right now.
Sorry you're dealing with this OP.
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