AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

So what are you going to do OP to sort things out?

This. I earn 3x DH, after my next promotion I’ll earn 6x him and he’ll give up work. I’m entirely okay with that as he brings non financial value to the partnership, but I wouldn’t stand for anything being owned anything but 50:50.

I could be completely wrong but there have been multiple threads where women have happily moved in with a DP with DCs and then sometimes it’s not until years later when they decide they can’t do it anymore and want to leave.

Something may have changed in their relationship to increase the stress or resentment.
Or it’s exactly the same and it’s DH who has changed/want a different lifestyle.

Even biological parents (especially dads) can decide they don’t want family life anymore and leave.
So I can definitely see how a step parent would.

So if you had to sell and the sale price wasn't enough to pay off the mortgage, moving costs, and your deposit he wouldn't be expected to cover any of that until you were fully in negative equity? That's a risky deal for you, although if you're comfortable with risk possibly worth doing a straight 50:50 split with the deposit amount dealt with separately (his mortgage payments net out your deposit over time). What happens if he leaves you? Are you still bearing all the loss until there's enough equity in the house that it doesn't matter?

You moving to him is something that I think should be taken into account - one of the reasons you're not working full time is because of a compromise you made and it may well have long term career impact. That said, honestly I can see frustration building about him needing to subsidize the fact your EH isn't supporting his kids (obviously how reasonable this is depends on why your EH isn't supporting his kids i.e. whether your EH is extremely low income). And this long commute doesn't sound good for your kids - why are you willing to accept it?

The more expensive house is a benefit to you - you get to live in it and ultimately you own a lot of it and will for a long time even though he's paying the mortgage. A smaller, cheaper house with you paying more financially would not be a benefit to you except for the fact that you might have a shorter commute and the potential impact on your career of the current set up not being able to work full
time.

Did you make it clear to him when you decided on the nicer area, bigger house that an impact of this would be that your financial contribution would be lower? Did you make it clear that your preference was for a smaller, cheaper house? Your financial contributions are unequal. Whether or not he 'should' be just sucking that up really depends on whether these were his choices, or genuinely joint choices. Did you go along with his decision without saying 'but I don't want that because it means you'll be covering everything' or did you say that and he said 'I don't care, I love you, I earn 6x you do, it doesn't matter, I want us to have the best life possible'.

Of course what he 'should' do doesn't really matter - if he is actually pissed off and wants to ram it down your throat all the time, the fact that's unreasonable doesn't help you move forwards.

I read posts like the OP's and just think why? What compels women with children to compromise them like this.

You don't mention step-children, so I assume there aren't any for you. Neither of you seem happy with this set up, nor does it appear like the marriage has legs with the resentment either side.

Not sure what to suggest beyond working FT to increase your salary.

That seems unwise to me, if I was you I would go and get legal advice

They both seem to be resenting what they agreed to. OP did marry him knowing that she would have no claim on his premarital assets, that finances wouldn’t be joint, and that he wasn’t going to take on responsibility for her children beyond paying the mortgage and some household bills.

Her income is her own, and all she seems to be financially responsible for is her personal bills, and her children. That isn’t placing an undue burden on her, especially not when she can do this by working part time.

Yeah, sorry, I don't buy that in this case. In step-parenting you don't have the deep urge some people have to have their own children, which can conveniently stop you from quite appreciating the harsh realities.
It only takes a few seconds' thought to think, 'OK, the youngest kid is 8, that means at least 8 years, likely more, til they leave home. What does that mean for our lifestyle?'

(I'm wondering what happens if you split)

When the mortgage is paid off, based on current trajectory what % will you own?

@PinkCatStripes have things changed?
Does he say you should get CSM? Was he better with the kids before ?
How was he before about your working hours and child care arrangements? Your part time hours?

I agree with what you are saying.
But I also know that people and in my experience men and others may have other experiences, change when a partner in my experience woman becomes more financially vulnerable.
It hasn't just been moving in to one house it's been house selling and a wedding. He has changed what he agreed to somewhere along the line and is now resenting it.
As so many posters say they don't blame him but he was accepting before but now she's trapped he has changed his mind so why. Has something happened or is it financial abuse. She hasn't suddenly pulled these kids out of a hat who he can't be bothered to check on a meal being cooked for. That is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

You could get an hour and get the solicitor to advise you on the steps to take yourself if you are not able to pay for further advice

Perhaps you could quietly get some legal advice for yourself
it sounds like you are a very kind person probably focused on loving relationship with current partner and your children, but the men in your life could be taking advantage of you

Christ OP - youve really screwed yourself here - not to mention the kids. I suppose if its a big lifestyle change as hes able to provide alot more - i can see why you did it - BUT do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Ultimately, Op should not have remarried.

You should have been longterm partners, when your kids weren't there you stay at his and he stays at yours sometimes too.

You would have been better off financially and not had the school long commute as well.

After your kids have flown the nest, you should have reassessed then about marriage and living together full time, etc.

Also if you are having yours kids more than 50% you need to contact CMS.

They are given more than ‘some acknowledgment’.

Of course they can be challenged - it was two challenges in particular to prenuptial agreements that led to them being considered of significant weight, in fact. That they aren’t unassailable does not mean that they aren’t very effective.

Ask any mother and they will tell you that having kids can be much more challenging than they ever expected.

Until you have kids you cannot actually grasp
what it’s like.

So a step parent could easily see it looks great but then the reality of it is often much difficult.

Step parents also have it harder in a lot of ways.
Which is why MN is full of threads about struggles with blended families.

So he could buy those services and be on his own - but he is in a relationship with a woman who a) I guess he likes and b) who has children so he must be aware they are a package deal.

Men benefit hugely healthwise from being partnered up/ married. Wonder why.

Why did you do this?
You had two children to protect and you have saddled them with a mean belittling man who treats their mother badly.

You need to rethink your choices.
Your poor children don't deserve this.

Agree with this to some extent. The situation is unfair, but being a typical man, he doesn’t seem to be capable of discussing the issue like a mature adult, so instead it’s coming out as anger and resentment. In my experience, most men do this when they are upset about something.

I wouldn’t bank on one personally. They are give some acknowledgement providing a series of criteria have been met. But even then something not legally enforceable is very open to be challenged by the other party.

He knew exactly how the finances were arranged prior to getting married.

If he didn't like the arrangement he shouldn't have got married.

To then bitch and moan about what was known and agreed - to the extent that he refuses to perform the simplest of domestic tasks - is pathetic and immature.

Working 4 days a week isn't 'swanning around'.