Is this normal? If not what is it? DH related

How much longer are you willing to stay with someone who doesn't give a fuck about you?

This is your life and it'll stay like this until you leave.

Sounds like he's engaging in Findom.. where he is the slave of submissive of a woman and he pays them money he doesn't always need to include sex but it sounds like he's got a fetish way paying a woman money is giving him some sort of pleasure

Keep your hours as they are and start putting money away to leave him

What are you hoping to get from this thread, op?

This isn't a marriage.

You were advised to go back to work to earn your own money which you have done. The next step is to look at separating from him. Look at the entitiledto webpage to see what benefits a working single parent can claim. You would be financially MUCH better off on your own if he guards all his money.

Quite. Although perpetually moaning about it does get a bit silly when you’ve made a conscious decision to stay knowing what he’s like

OP I think it's clear that you have chosen to stay in this relationship.

That's fine, it's your life, you are allowed to choose that.

It all sounds really horrendous for you.

Why would you not want more financial independence and continue to work like you’re doing instead of reducing your hours though?

" He starts crying after our arguments which shows me he must have some empathy but only for himself. How can a normal conversation between a husband and wife about reducing work hours end up like this? "

OP this sounds like a really disfunctional relationship but you already know that. Why do you assume the crying is empathy "only for himself"
Maybe its for a relationship he realises is failing, a relationship unfulfilled?

I do wonder about his side of the story, given he starts crying....Have you ever discussed his metal health? The pressure he has been feeling to carry the family finances, his and your expectations within the marriage,

Given the apparent resentment at contributing towards the children's costs, did you together decide how many children to have or was it your unilateral decision?

What was he like before the marriage; was it an arranged marriage?

It's easy for us to assume from your post on here that he's been unreasonable but we haven't seen your interaction. It's not always one sided.

On the basis of what you've told us, I would be done with this, but you've stayed. I would gather all relevant financial information, bank statements, pensions, insurances, property details and consult a solicitor.
Then make your decision.
Consider counselling if you jointly want to save your relationship given there are children to consider.

Sounds like you need to get rid of him.

It is financial abuse OP. And he sounds horrible. Why would you stay with a man like that for 16 years?

Divorce him, take half and live your own life. It sounds like he doesn’t care about you at all. Life is too short to spend it with a man like that.

Why on earth are you still with him? Is this a happy life for you and the kids? Keep your job and divorce him.

You've ended up marrying your mum
Divorce and seek therapy

Get thee to a solicitor asap. Don't tell him what you're up to. He's not your partner. You need to accept that he is who he is and he's done what he's done and that it's not working out for you, and for your children by default, to remain with him.

Action overcomes fear. I know you probably can't work out which way is up after years of this, and you're bewildered and can't remember who you are even, but shut your ears, open your eyes and take a small step every day in the direction you want to go.

There is help and advice out there. You're not the only one in this position, but you are the only one who can get yourself out of it. Accept the support and move on.

Please don't lose another day of your life to this vile man.

So do you have access to joint finances for food at all? Can you start getting cash back at the checkout and stashing it in another account. You need to speak to Women’s Aid and start figuring out how to leave. Even if he hides stuff from you he can’t deny his basic employment status so you should still be able to get that information and at a minimum 50% of the house.

Oh this is bad. I take back my previous post. He actually doesn’t care.

A few thousand to women he doesn’t know. It’s probably more and he’s dumbing down the figure. He has real issues and doesn’t respect your marriage at all.

Well done for keeping the emails, it’s time to see a divorce lawyer.

Unless you leave him, nothing will change. Surely you and your children deserve better?

Are you going to contact Women's Aid and/or make a plan to leave?

He is not going to change OP so realistically you have two choices:
Stay, and keep getting abused by him.
Leave, and have a better life.

Yep.

Sounds like you have ended up with a ‘D’H that treats you like your mum did. Familiar isn’t necessarily good unfortunately. Therapy could help you, but sadly this relationship doesn’t sound like it will improve. All the best

Recognise this man is an emotionally-stunted, abusive, financially-controlling cunt. Divorce him, but not until you get a shit hot lawyer and take him for every penny you can get. I would make it my mission to part him from as much of his carefully squirrelled away money as possible. Do not stay with this man- wtf are you still there?

That explains why he doesn't care about what hours you work. It will have zero impact on him because your money is separate.
It does sound like financial abuse. You also sound very unhappy so I think continuing to work full time and leaving him would be the best option. If that doesn't feel viable for you right now, maybe try and approach the conversation by telling him you can't sustain working the hours you do and taking care of the children and the home (from the sounds of home, I'm assuming all that is on you) so you want to know how much money he can give you a month to replace the lost income.