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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object after he assumed he and his daughter would move in?

389 replies

Trombolice · 04/06/2026 15:17

Name changed for this.

Been seeing someone for around a year and a half. This morning he casually dropped it into conversation that his daughter might have to move schools when they move. I asked where he was moving to and he said “I mean when we move in together?”

I said “who said anything about moving in together??” So he said “well not now obviously but at some point we will surely?” So I said “and where are you assuming we’ll live?”

Long story short he had it in his head that he and his daughter would be moving in to my house. His rationale is that I have “so much more space” and much more space than I need and it’s selfish to not want to share it.

I said I have no intention of having anyone live with me! He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc

I think he has got his daughter believing they will be moving in to my house too. They live in a two bedroom house.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 04/06/2026 21:27

canuckup · 04/06/2026 21:16

He saw you coming, OP

Not quite. Op had the foresight to ask him where he was moving to, when he mentioned about moving, and then halted the moving in conversation, rather discussing it as a possibility.

Booboobagins · 04/06/2026 21:25

Big red flags for me here. Does he live you or want to be a cocklodger?

It's not too late to run...

canuckup · 04/06/2026 21:16

He saw you coming, OP

Owly11 · 04/06/2026 21:09

Wtaf? Urgh I can't stand it when someone makes assumptions and then starts complaining that the other person doesn't comply with them. It's so so self absorbed it's off the charts. This would put me off the relationship.

YouputthetwatinKathleen · 04/06/2026 21:07

Doubledenim305 · 04/06/2026 20:57

He moves in saying he will do all these things. Then mask slips and he relaxes and you are left being his maid etc. He won't move out.
Easy to say what he's gonna do. But reality could be a lot more complicated.

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Oh yes, there will be plenty of, "We're a family now, so you should want to cook, clean, taxi, do the parenting, give up your weekends, not see your friends because DD needs you, blah , blah, blah."

Doubledenim305 · 04/06/2026 20:57

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2026 20:34

I think the daughter would hate to live in the middle of nowhere and be dependent on lifts.
if I had a big house I’d love a partner to move in with me but he’d have to pay market rate rent for the 1.5 bedrooms and wear an tear and take care of his daughter properly.
do you have kids op?

He moves in saying he will do all these things. Then mask slips and he relaxes and you are left being his maid etc. He won't move out.
Easy to say what he's gonna do. But reality could be a lot more complicated.

Papster · 04/06/2026 20:56

MinnieGirl · 04/06/2026 20:53

I was so invested in those two threads…. I hope the OP comes back and starts another thread with further updates

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Me too.
I’m dreading it’s like a tv series that is cancelled and leaves you hanging there

Wreckinball · 04/06/2026 20:53

Mumsnet we need an alarm-cock emoji for these CF CLogers

MinnieGirl · 04/06/2026 20:53

ThreadGuardDog · 04/06/2026 15:50

And egged on by a CF boyfriend who was in ‘finance’ !!

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I was so invested in those two threads…. I hope the OP comes back and starts another thread with further updates

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/06/2026 20:52

DalmationalAnthem · 04/06/2026 19:43

It's Freed from Desire by Gala (?) from the 90s.

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So it is. Just googled the lyrics and trombolice.

livelovelough24 · 04/06/2026 20:48

Oh OP, I can tell you’re upset, and understandably so, but your post genuinely made me laugh, so thank you for that. I’ve been divorced for over five years and haven’t dated since, but if I ever do, I already know I wouldn’t want to live with someone again. I’d absolutely want my own space.

Since you haven’t discussed this with him yet, I can see how he might have assumed living together was a possibility. But for him to jump straight to calling you “selfish” or saying it’s “not fair” that you have a big house? That’s ridiculous.

I’m not sure what you’ll ultimately decide, but if you want my honest opinion: I’d say… get rid.

justasking111 · 04/06/2026 20:46

You have to ask yourself at a certain age what are you each bringing to the table?

YouputthetwatinKathleen · 04/06/2026 20:44

Trombolice · 04/06/2026 20:25

I’ve told him I have no intentions of living with them both. My kids have grown up and are independent, I don’t want to start again with a new teenager (she’s 12).

He’s not happy, has said again that I’m selfish etc etc until he asked “what about when she leaves home?” 🙄

What, so he's going to spend the next 6-10 years sitting in a rented house until you let him move in? Full of aspirations, isn't he?!

I hope you now have major ick and tell him to find someone else to ponce off! (Thank you @Dorothyperky , that's a good word for these men.)

Dorothyperky · 04/06/2026 20:42

Do not think people don't play the long game. Both my cousin (married for ten years until their spouse got citizenship) and divorced the following year. My former close friend, again targeted, put both his DC through private school then she was dumped. Now he's going for a divorce and claiming half her multi million pound assets. He's claiming his son ( at university) needs housing by her too!
My late father used to call this type of man a Ponce. Fwiw I earn five times my DH and he asks for nothing from me.
Please be careful.

NowhereToSleep · 04/06/2026 20:42

My god, the presumptuousness of the guy.

goody2shooz · 04/06/2026 20:37

@Trombolice i am gobsmacked that he has the audacity to call you selfish. The entitlement of this wannabe cocklodger is astounding. No apology for misreading the situation and being presumptuous - no he goes on the attack and calls you selfish. No thought for your adult dc, perhaps they might return or need to. My gob is well and truly smacked.
Please tell us you told him him to jog on? And keep going…..

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2026 20:34

I think the daughter would hate to live in the middle of nowhere and be dependent on lifts.
if I had a big house I’d love a partner to move in with me but he’d have to pay market rate rent for the 1.5 bedrooms and wear an tear and take care of his daughter properly.
do you have kids op?

Silverbirchleaf · 04/06/2026 20:34

So he’s not apologising for overstepping the mark, but is still calling op selfish?! Angry that his long term plans have been foiled, no doubt.

Cherriesandapples1 · 04/06/2026 20:30

Trombolice · 04/06/2026 20:25

I’ve told him I have no intentions of living with them both. My kids have grown up and are independent, I don’t want to start again with a new teenager (she’s 12).

He’s not happy, has said again that I’m selfish etc etc until he asked “what about when she leaves home?” 🙄

Have you replied?

Lmnop22 · 04/06/2026 20:29

BrownBookshelf · 04/06/2026 16:02

Mmm but he's gone a bit beyond that! One thing to assume it was moving towards cohabiting, quite another to call OP selfish!

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Yeah that’s fair, agreed that his reaction was also out of order. Perhaps he felt a bit taken aback that this wasn’t in OP’s mind at all when he thought it would happen someday.

plsdontlookatme · 04/06/2026 20:28

cocklodger

Original poster
Trombolice · 04/06/2026 20:25

I’ve told him I have no intentions of living with them both. My kids have grown up and are independent, I don’t want to start again with a new teenager (she’s 12).

He’s not happy, has said again that I’m selfish etc etc until he asked “what about when she leaves home?” 🙄

OP posts:
trueredstart · 04/06/2026 20:24

Coconutter24 · 04/06/2026 15:38

Tbh I think it’s fair enough to maybe think about the idea of living with your gf/bf in the future if you’re building a life together. It’s not fair to just decide whose house that will be without a discussion or a talk about whether it’s something you both want

My thoughts exactly!

Cherriesandapples1 · 04/06/2026 20:24

LizandDerekGoals · 04/06/2026 20:20

I wouldnt marry him or give him any rights to my house but i wouldnt want to be with someone a year and a half knowing it was never going to progress.

Which is fair, if he raised the question about how she sees the relationship progressing and if she sees a point that she may want to consider living together and what that would look like. I don't think anyone would consider him unreasonable for asking that

LizandDerekGoals · 04/06/2026 20:20

I wouldnt marry him or give him any rights to my house but i wouldnt want to be with someone a year and a half knowing it was never going to progress.