AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

What triggered the secret eating? I’ve been through a very tough few years health wise and I tried eating healthily in the hope it would help my symptoms but it didn’t so I’ve been through treating myself to chocolate, pastries etc. I was incredibly stressed earlier this year which impacted my health and I ate even more and was the biggest I’d ever been. I’m lucky in the sense I’ve never put on weight in the past so my biggest I’ve ever been is a regular size 12. That’s not my healthy norm though. I think I used food as a comfort when feeling so unwell and stressed.

Why did you lie?
You overeat and no shock you have put on weight, no one ever believed you and then evidence appeared to show him you are a liar.

A binge could include thousands of calories, but not necessarily. This is the formal definition:

In Binge Eating Disorder (BED), a "binge" is an episode of consuming an objectively large amount of food in a discrete period (e.g., within 2 hours), accompanied by a profound loss of control and intense feelings of guilt, shame, or distress.

A binge episode must include at least three of the following behavioral or emotional markers:

• Eating much more rapidly than normal.
• Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.
• Eating large amounts of food even when not feeling physically hungry.
• Eating alone because of embarrassment about the quantity of food being consumed.
• Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or extremely guilty afterward.

For a formal diagnosis of BED, these binges must occur at least once a week for a minimum of three months.

I agree with this. Plus, there are imaging studies showing that sugar stimulates the same areas of the brain as cocaine - areas to do with motivation and reward.

Harmful gambling and spending are viewed as forms of addiction, even though there are no substances involved in either. It’s about the dopamine hit, the compulsion, the inability to stop despite negative consequences and repeated attempts to do so. The giving up or avoidance of normal healthy activities, the failure to meet social obligations, because of fulfilling the drive to consume/do whatever floats your personal boat.

It is binge eating, she’s basically doing it every day and doing the same thing and hiding it. Rather than when her husband asked about the weight “oh I buy a takeaway and eat in the car” she pretends not to know the reason and makes it to be a mystery. That my friend is binge eating behaviour.

Op you have a food addiction and binge eating disorder, your weight makes you morbidly obese and I can imagine that your mobility and fitness is already impacted which means it’s impacting your husband and your kids. You are on track for diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, heart attack or stroke. This isn’t about not looking cute in a dress, this is a serious health issue and you need to address it. Please talk to your husband and allow him to support you, he and your kids deserve to have a healthy happy version of you, and for a long time too. And most importantly YOU deserve to live a happy healthy long life. You need to speak to your GP and you need counselling to help unpick the root cause of your binge eating and secrecy. I know that I sound very blunt but you need a wake up call that you can’t sustain this anymore, you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, make the changes now while you can. Best of luck, I know you can do this!

As someone who had a bingeing/starving disorder in my 20s I sympathise. Ive never told anyone in real life because Im too ashamed. I finally overcame it with my first pregnancy, suffering awful morning sickness and when I recovered from that, I started eating normally again.
Your partner knows now whats been going on so hopefully you can seek some therapy to give you the tools to combat your compulsion

Why are people calling it binges, no where has the op said she binges, she said she buys food in secret, then hides in her car, eats it and throws away the evidence, then she complains to her husband she’s gained weight, eats a healthy diet like him and doesn’t understand why she’s gaining so much weight, causing him concern and confusion,

a binge is eating lots and lots of food at once, usually thousands of cals, in secret yes, it’s not overeating like the op is, buying cake or chocolate or kfc etc and eating it in secret on top of the normal calories she eats in front of her husband. Yes she must eat an awful lot, and it seems it’s all unhealthy junk or fast food, but it doesn’t meet the description of a binge.

i really hope she does see a doctor and not continue to hide from potential health issues, as the type of food she is eating in secret, is highly likely to have her with significant ones, from fatty liver, to kidney damage, to high blood pressure, to cardio vascular disease to high cholesterol to sleep apnea, and potentially diabetes or pre diabetes. In addition her skeletal structure will be sustaining significant damage, and her skin stretched to the extreme.

she cannot feel well and her mobility and ability to breath must be compromised due to severe obesity and the impact it will have on her internal organs due to high levels of visceral fat.

overall this lady needs a lot of help, and medical intervention.

This.

They can do. My husband put on a fair amount of weight a while back and it was only when he was (nicely) told that it was becoming quite noticeable that it clicked for him that it was time to deal with it.

You need to book a doctors appointment today. Make sure they do blood pressure, cholesterol levels, test for type two diabetes and if you snore get a referral for CPAP. In my health authority you would get an automatic referral for weight management services, ask about this. I think this is your wake up call.

I would be upset because you are displaying abnormal behaviours around food, seemingly for no reason, so it’s looking like mental health issue.

also I would feel very stupid if you previously complained that you gained wright but have no idea why it’s just nuts

plus im sorry to say but if a person massively gains weight said person should be prepared that it affects his partner and at the very least his libido. But also your health is not just your business as your health impacts your partner and his quality of life

OP - I am sorry you’re in this situation. I think your husband may be worried about the underlying issues that make you lie and cover up. As well as the emotional issues that cause you to overeat in secret. I expect the financial impact is also a concern.
you use a lot of language to avoid tackling the real issue. You say “after I got married” “comfort/happiness”.
i hope you’re not trying to apportion this to marriage - it is your issue to tackle, and the underlying cause isn’t marriage.
nobody eats due to “happiness”, nor is it linked to comfort.

you have 2 things to tackle: why you overeat and eat in secret and why you lie about it. Is there some trauma you are escaping? What childhood patterns did you learn from your parents? Did they show affection in unhealthy ways? Do you have ADHD and is it a dopamine hit? (A bit like shopping, gambling, alcohol for others). Lying to avoid short-term consequences (whilst not considering the mid and long term consequences) is a typical ADHD behaviour.

i wish you well

It doesn't sound like a binge eating disorder tbh unless you are ordering like $50 worth of takeaway at a time, it's just bad eating habits and you love junkfood and have become addicted to the dopamine hit of it.

OP has a BMI of 49, that doesn't happen without a vast overconsumption of calories, so I'd say she does have a binge eating disorder.

That’s really not true. She is quite possibly heading to an early grave or severe disability, it’s not tenable to claim that this is not her husband’s concern.

Except you can become overweight by eating food other than takeaway and cake, but you can’t become an alcoholic by drinking anything other than alcohol.

OP I say this with best of intentions, my
my mum was always overweight through car eating (we actually had a great diet at home) she became diabetic in her 60s and has had a pretty immobile retirement. You sound like a lovely person so please ask for help, it is quite a disorder with food going on.

Totally disagree. OP is eating herself into an early grave. She’s spending what sounds like a significant amount of family money on junk, ruining her health and destroying the trust in her marriage.

It’s as destructive as drug addiction.

How is this helpful?

He’s worried about you, that’s it. You have disordered eating and need help. It’s not normal op.

OP, I am in a similar position. I never really hid it from DH but I was denying it to myself that I was eating too much shit. I had to have bloods done because I was absolutely exhausted and it turns out I'm pre-diabetic. I'm almost 10 years older than you though, so pleased read this as me telling you what your future is.

I'm currently in that super grumpy stage where I feel like all my "joy" has gone. But the reality is, and I know this despite my desperation to be allowed to eat all the crisps and burgers, that I've done this to myself, and I'm risking my health and being able to be here for my DD.

Speak to your GP. There is a support for losing weight available. The nurse I spoke to when the results came back was so nice and so supportive and made me feel no shame whatsoever. All the shame I DO feel comes entirely from me. And speak to your DH. You feel like he's overreacting because you feel shame and don't want him to. But if he's anything like mine, he doesn't feel shame, he's worried and wants to help. Mine has started opting out of some of his turns to walk the dog (we both get headspace this way) so I can up my exercise in a gentle way to start with.

But the main thing is...be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. And make yourself better.

What you eat in private is your concern, not your husband's.

You do need to re-evaluate your relationship with food though.

I was really upset when I found evidence of my husbands secret eating. He had been putting on weight, it wasn't discussed as I assume it was just a case of a few too many calories over time in his usual diet (which wasn't full of junk and didn't seem excessive) and being a little less active. I have anorexia so I kept quiet as I'm obviously not an expert on nutrition and health. I know it's more complex than just, weight gain / fat is bad, and the focus should be the eating habits... And his didn't seem awful to me.

Then I found the evidence of his late night binges. Made him go to the GP because the amount of food he was secretly eating was not normal at all. Not like the odd chocolate bar or biscuit. I knew he had struggled with bing eating disorder in the past, too.

My main concern was his health at what he was doing. If the weight gain was just from slightly too many calories from the fairly healthy foods he was eating for meals and snacks, that's one thing... If it's from binging in junk, chocolate, biscuits then that's entirely another. I was so worried about him continuing to do that, because I dont want him to cause himself harm.

Your husband is not overreacting. The only way he wouldn't have anything to say about this is if he didn't love or care about you at all. Please get help OP.

He’s just worried about you, it’s as simple as that. You’ve gained weight and he probably didn’t fully understand it because you eat fairly regularly around him as you say. He’s now found out why and it appears to be compulsive. You seemingly have little control over the habit, you say every time you’re out alone in the car you feel the urge to get junk food so it has become a compulsion.

You could probably do with seeking a bit of professional help with this.