AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

I’m going to assume your questions are in good faith…

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/binge-eating/overview/

OP, the sentiment behind that comment was unpleasant, but could the rule help you?

If you didn't allow eating in your car, could it help you in breaking theses current habits that you are so upset by? How would it change things? Get your car detailed so it's clean and sparkling inside and then not allow yourself, or anyone else, to eat in it. Maybe you have to sit in McD's or walk around with your coffee. Would it be so appealing? Would you decide to skip it, at least some of the time? I wonder if, even if it didn't help you change your eating habits it would help your self esteem as the hiding in your car to eat must surely make the shame factor bigger?

Since it sounds like this is a long standing problem and eating disorders are difficult to overcome, I wouldn't expect this to be all you'd need to do, but it might help.

When it comes to your DH - it sounds like he loves you and is worried about you. I don't think he's over reacting. i think you're still avoiding facing the fact you have a serious disorder you need to do something about.

This is really harsh. Secret eating is complicated and it's not 'lying' so much as shame-based behaviour. It's emotionally very fraught. How do you think that accusing OP of 'lying' is going to help?

OP, your husband is right to be worried about you and I can understand why he reacted the way he did, but despite that, it might turn out to be for the best that you told him.

Your partner is there to support you - that is the whole point - and to hopefully help you through things like this. He probably feels sad that you felt you couldn't share with him that you were struggling. Maybe he even sees it as some personal failure to support you, which could be why he responded as he did. He might be feeling a little vulnerable too.

Now that it's out in the open what do you think will happen next? Do you think you might seek some help?

I do - I know for me it’s when I want to feel good if things are busy and stressful, I don’t even think about it I just suddenly have detoured and have consumed something. As lots of people said it’s an addiction. I only asked how you felt about it as guilt is a huge thing for me - and obviously the reaction of your husband’s is going to trigger that massively. My husband is aware of my binge eating but I don’t list what I’ve done as I think that would scare me (sounds silly but it would). Your husband has probably triggered all of that by finding the evidence. But equally I think he has had a shock and he is likely to react. I hope you manage to have a chat with him where it doesn’t feel like a personal attack and you can explain how you’re feeling.

I am really trying to have therapy and have good days and bad. Is your life very manic? I am trying to carve out other joyful things for myself but kids make it so hard. Good luck OP x

@LPLJS95 If I were your DH, I wouldn’t be upset about the food, I’d be upset about the secrecy and the fact you’ve been struggling alone and lying to yourself as well as him.

Secret eating is usually about shame or stress, not greed, but it does create a kind of emotional distance. I do that too.

When you’ve been saying you don’t know why you’re gaining weight while hiding daily snacks and takeaways, it’s understandable he feels blindsided. This isn’t about control, it’s about wanting honesty and wanting to understand what’s really going on for you so he can help. And the poor guy is probably hurt you felt you couldn't be honest and you need to explain its because you weren't being honest with yourself either and acknowledge you need to deal with that.

In a good marriage, and it sounds like a good marriage, its working through stuff like this that makes us stronger as a couple, but it is uncomfortable confronting our own behaviour and I say that from experience.

I don't buy takeaway food, but historically, if I was preparing for a family of 5, I would cook (subconsciously) for 6 so I can "taste test" it along the way and then serve myself up a small to medium portion from the remaining 5 portions and hubby wondered why I put on weight!

Being self aware and actually accepting and addressing issues are two different things OP.

I'm not trolling. It's a genuine question. The OP's DH's issue is the deceit, I get that, but why does everyone assume that an enjoyment of food is a mask for an underlying psychological / emotional issue?

Do you think he’s worried about the possibility that you have an ED or something else going on that you’re unwilling to address?

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight over the years and it was definitely down to emotional eating. I lived by myself then, now with DP my habits are a lot better. I do love a takeaway on the rare occasion I’m home alone, but it’s not a secret. I think the secrecy of it is probably what’s concerning him.

Kindly OP you’re underreacting you have a pretty serious eating disorder which has led you to eating utter rubbish whenever you get the chance. Do you really believe rubbish food with no nutritional content and a direct correlation to dire health outcomes is “a treat”? Please see your GP as a first step and aim for recovery.

I could have written this post myself years ago, that was my life, especially as I traveled around in car for my job, I even remember hiding so many food wrappers in my bedroom as a child. Crying to a doctor that I was always gaining weight, because I was in complete denial that I was in fact being “good” with my eating, maybe once those wrappers were secretly binned they didn’t count in my head, who knows!

But around 6 years ago I took the huge step of having gastric sleeve surgery along with counselling and a lot of work on myself. The jabs didn’t exist back then, but I’d have definitely tried them first.

Food=guilt to me and I couldn’t even eat in front of people because of how big and ashamed I was. But the constant head hunger and cravings never stopped until I took the surgery route. Don’t get me wrong, it is not an easy fix and it doesn’t even work for some people but I’m not ashamed to admit that I needed that help and I took it, funded it myself and have maintained a 12 stone loss for years now. I see food completely differently, nothing is off limits, I just don’t put pressure on myself and even now I sometimes have to remind myself to eat. Food doesn’t rule my life and I’m a better person, wife, mum etc…because I am happy and not constantly ashamed and avoiding living my life.

I would be completely honest and open with your husband, be accountable and try to not minimise the fact that you have been misleading him but are committed to turning things around and doing what it takes to build that trust back.

Good Luck xx

Why does it have to be like it never happened? You obviously think it’s wrong. That must tell you something.

I'm not saying it's not unhealthy to binge/overeat, I'm just asking why it's a foregone conclusion that it's a response to some underlying psychological issue?

It's possible to lose weight without trying due to illness. And, more rarely, to put it on.
There are genuine cases where people eat next to nothing and put on weight, but lots of fatshaming people seem to act like that isn't possible, so I wonder if he's been very worried that you could have, eg a thyroid disorder, and now feels upset that he's been worrying for nothing?
Or it money-eating a lot of that food can be expensive?

You are trolling. If you are actually this obtuse, go ask ChatGPT to explain to you what’s going on with someone like OP and stop trying to waste the time of real human beings.

I feel the same way about red wine, really enjoy it a lot.

However I would worry if I started regularly doing it alone and in secret and hiding the evidence…

You can’t argue with the fact that there is a limit to the amount of food a person can eat before it becomes unhealthy. That is especially true of junk food.

He needs to forget the lying and look at the disordered eating. I was a sneaky eater and hit 30 stone. I've now lost 15st and recently had a gastric bypass to get the rest off.

Your partner needs to be united and supportive in getting you to seek help from a GP and counsellor, if you are extremely overweight. If it's a matter of a stone or two, then I'd roll my eyes a bit at this and see it as controlling.

However, your husband needs to not make it about him - The focus is -you-. You need help and he needs to find out the best way to help you.

Can you explain why?

Do you not enjoy food? I do!

OP doesn’t sound particularly happy. Or why would she keep it secret? Throw away the wrapper? Struggle with her health?

I quite like a drink occasionally. But if I drank excessively, felt the need drink in secret / keep alcohol consumption a secret (even though my husband was not in principle opposed to drinking/alcohol) and admitted that my health was suffering due to the amount of alcohol I was consuming…

would you still write the same?

and yes, I am saying this as somebody who is very familiar with disordered eating unfortunately.

I've asked another commentator the same thing. Why does there have to be something behind it? Food is delicious. It's really enjoyable to eat. It's not that deep!

What an astonishingly naive thing to say.

What Do you want to happen now OP?

Do you want help from him? Is this perhaps a turning point?

I'm responding to another commentator. I realise that the OP's DH's reaction isn't about the food.

Why would I be embarrassed? I occasionally eat it as a one off maybe every 2-3 months. I understand nutrition and know that it’s not the best food but I understand that food is more than the sum of its parts for humans and that the occasional UPF won’t hurt me. I eat well otherwise so why would I feel negatively about eating a burger?

People generally only feel embarrassed when they feel they don’t ‘deserve’ the item. Such as if eating it is combined with an unhealthy overall diet or contributing to their ill health or obesity.

OP, he's not overreacting.

It sounds like you have the beginnings of a binge-eating disorder. If you are routinely buying certain types of food and eating it in secret in your car and then hiding the wrappers, that is a very major sign of some quite serious psychological issues around food.

You've gained weight to the point where you're worried about your health and are embarrassed by your appearance. He, clearly, knows that, and has probably had to deal with the emotional effect that has on you. All the while, you've been giving him a completely false impression of how you got to that point in the first place.

I completely sympathise with you re. your weight issues and your concealed comfort-eating. I've been there. But your DH is absolutely right to be concerned and I think you're very much in denial about your problem. The problem isn't your weight in itself (although obviously that's certainly having a negative effect on you). Your problem is that you have a form of eating disorder.

The issue isn't the food.

No, I don't think that is normal behaviour.