AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

I have been in a similar situation of being caught in disordered eating. I remember feeling absolutely furious about being caught out, because I felt ashamed and also because I didn't want to stop. I was addicted to my behaviours around food and the comfort I got from them.

I am now so grateful I was found out before my health was really impacted, and my advice to you would be to make this moment your turning point.

Your husband now knows so you don't need to hide this any more. You can apologise, explain and use this as a way of building your communication and supporting you in changing your habits. Step away from the shame and the defensiveness and focus on the next steps.

You obviously must be spending a lot of money on your secret eating - that's actually great news because it means there's room in your budget to support the change you choose to make. Whether its therapy, WLI, private health care, you decide. Whichever route you go, please also prioritise going to the GP for a health check, high blood pressure can be so dangerous.

@BuildbyNumbere , please stop derailing the ops thread with utter nonsense. Start your own thread and stop this madness.

And you are 30! For what it is worth, I turned my habits & life around at 50!!! Quit smoking, lost 30 kilos (4 stone) in the middle of menopause & living without a thyroid. I have a BMI now of 23 or something like that, more energy (but still get tired, overwhelmed & all the rest - and still see a fatty sometimes in the mirror - not a saint :)) But my partner is and was always supportive with my well-being at the fromt & centre of any concerns for me.
You can do this!!! You birthed children - a million docs & nurses have seen you fanjo. This is NOTHING! You are made of strong stuff & embarrassment is a waste of energy. Bite the bullet - go all in for the support. Good luck!

I've reported your supremely unhelpful post.

@BuildbyNumbere it is irrelevant if it’s lazy, it works. I’ve lost over 11 stone, who cares if it was easier (or in reality, possible) than trying to lose that weight without? If you’re capable of engaging genuinely I’d love an answer as to why making it easier for obese people to lose weight is a terrible thing?

Medication … the answer to everything, or the lazy alternative!

I totally understand this. I’ve had 4 kids (age 7 and under) and each time ate like a pig when pregnant and used this as an excuse to binge eat. I struggled to loose the weight and would do the same as you- eat in the car / at work and hide the evidence but I would make sure the kids and my husband eat super healthy! I did loose most of the weight being in a calorie deficit after child number 3 but piled it back on after my 4th. I’m back in my calorie deficit and going well but would definitely feel like you do if I was caught… it’s the ‘shame’ of it. I think you should just tell your husband you were embarrassed and that you want to try loose the weight (if that’s what you want to do of course) and hopefully he will be on board with helping- maybe watching the kids ect while you do some exercise etc. I’ve joined team RH and really like it if you were looking for a app to help x

Please continue to be honest with him - tell him you feel embarrassed, let him support you. Going from being a person to being a wife and parent is huge and we can feel a bit lost - waiting for the adults to take over, lost a little etc DESPITE loving our kids and spouse madly!!!
Turning to food is not unheard of but you do need help & support to be healthy & active for YOURSELF as well as for your kids.
your partner sounds like a good (and concerned) egg. It’s normal that you feel defensive, but down the barricades. This is a good chance to change - with the support of “your person”

It’s the lies that dh is upset about. There is no relationship if you lie

to him and yourself

not to make you feel bad but lying can split a marriage - for me it is a huge one of the reasons dh and I split

your bmi is very high and dangerously so

mine was 38 and that was bad enough when I look back at pics - 5/7 and 17st +

apologise to dh. Say you need help. Go to the doctor and if you have the money to eat all those snacks you could afford weight loss injections

which will help you lose weight

but why do you over eat ? Usually a reason

you clearly have no understanding of how these medications work,

Out of curiosity, would you say the same thing if it was a woman who had found out her husband had been an alcoholic, secretly drinking huge amounts for years which had been physically detrimental to his health? Would you tell her to stay and help him through it, or would you tell her that this is a huge amount of lying and deceit and to leave?

Hi Op. You have mentioned guilt and embarrassment but its clear that you have a lot of shame. And that your eating is compulsive and disordered. 1 don't think your DH is overreacting_ he is probably really shocked. I think speaking to your GP is a good idea but think without psychological support, it will be hard to get a handle on this.

Yes i would be bothered.
Also, nobody believes the people that say 'i don't know why I've gained weight I hardly eat' we know its a lie.

Yes you can

I think I'd be more disappointed in my DH reacting like that over what is clearly an eating disorder. I'd want him to be supportive, not accuse me of being deceitful. Eating disorders are illnesses, he needs to be supporting you to get through this and supporting you to get your health back on track.

How would you feel about joining a gym @LPLJS95 if you can manage to cut out the binge eating, the money saved on that would cover the gym membership.

If I were you, I'd sit him down and say something like "I can see why you think I've lied and been deceitful, however, this is an eating disorder that I have developed. I'm not proud of it, and I want help and support to overcome it. Will you please help and support me through it?"

It probably hasn't crossed his mind that this is disordered eating and that you need help, not judgement.

I’d worry less about your relationship & more about you.

You need to go to your GP asap. GP have seen it all, they are not there to judge. You need help & support.

Im an emotional eater & I have v bad food noise so I get it.

Can you smart small? What is the thing you indulge in that your crave the least? Can you cut that first. Put the money in a separate bank account & aim to buy a treat that’s not food - nice shower gel etc.

"Don't live on takeaways" he may not but you certainly do. Mcdonalds, kfc ect is takeaway & so are the secret ones you get sent to your home when he's not there.
He is not being unreasonable at all. Just thinking of the amount of money you've probably spent on "whatever you fancy" will be eye watering and then hiding the receipts / evidence means you quiet clearly know you shouldn't be doing it.

So you've put on ten stone since I you got married. Are you happy in your marriage, being a mummy, in your job.

Something has triggered this, as pp said talking to someone might unpick some of your feelings.

In the meantime go to the GP get comprehensive blood tests, BP check etc. see what's happening to your body. Ask for advice on weight loss. I'd say they'll be very helpful.

You're only 30 a young woman, bless you. I'm sure family and friends have been worrying about you.

I married a secret eater, he was morbidly obese, and I desperately wanted to support him to lose weight. He never came clean about his secret eating and just became more and more miserable about himself. It deeply affected our marriage and we ended up in marriage counselling.

I found some receipts for junk food by accident, like your husband, and he could still barely admit it.

But it was a problem for both of us - the secrecy, the lack of communication, the the caring but being shunned with lies of omission, and the obvious health ramifications of being so large, leading to his probable early death leaving me a single parent and widow.

Such disordered eating also indicates poor mental health, and that's hard to admit to and hard to live with.

Anyway, I eventually persuaded him to get some counselling alone as well as marriage counselling to deal with whatever demons were causing the problems, and he became much healthier and happier. Still large, but he stopped growing.

Then 3 years ago he decided he was going to lose weight, he's lost more weight than I weigh, walks 15,000 steps a day, and has kept the weight off. We are all much happier and healthier seeing him care about himself and his longevity.

We've been married over 20 years now, so our story has a happy ending!

What is the point of debating just how greedy and lazy obese people are? You’re talking about people like me and the OP and it’s just so pointless to bang on about greed and laziness. It doesn’t help. In fact it makes it worse, exacerbating the feelings of shame, embarrassment and failure. And guess what obese people are likely to do if they feel that way?? Return to familiar coping mechanisms ie food and over eating.

If they were, no one would be fat.
so there are no lazy and greedy people at all? Every obese person in existence is impacted by the biological, hormonal, and environmental drivers?

I also think it was a drip feed, at first you made it sound like 'a bit of weight'. Being 5"1 and weighing 19 stone is being morbidly obese.

There are lots of issue here, please get help ASAP as you are seriously putting yourself at risk OP, that is extremy heavy.

Plenty … half the time they give up because they just can’t be bothered … this is an easy fix as an alternative for putting in the hard work. That’s the problem with society now, easy fix without the hard work to achieve something.

And your reply is utterly simplistic and unsympathetic.

Have you ever known a person who has struggled with their weight? I have known a few. Diet and exercise are not always enough to overcome the biological, hormonal, and environmental drivers of severe obesity.

If they were, no one would be fat.

Exercise and not eating junk is very well proven!