AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc.”
Well this isn’t true is it. So you have takeaways, fast food and eat at home too. You are in complete denial and will need to get help to deal with it.
I don’t think you can be mad at your partner, he’s done nothing wrong. It sounds like you’ve been lying to everyone.
How much has all this cost? I hope you can get the help you need.

First OP, well done for this post, I understand it would have been difficult to write it all out.

your husband sounds very supportive so please be thankful you have a keeper!

You are a secret eater.

Look for the TV documentary series Secret Eaters. It may be on Prime.

You know you want to stop. Stop being defensive and take ownership. Admit it to your husband and make a plan together to change for the better, for yourself first and foremost, and secondly for your family.

Good luck ❤️

I believe that unless you treat the whole problem ( physical mental and spiritual ) you are just papering over the cracks and setting yourself up for more misery
OA can definitely help you will find a fellowship of people who know what you’re going through you can go to an online meeting you will find a group of people who are interested in your general wellbeing and don’t want anything in return the philosophy is that ‘ helping you helps me’ reaching out for help is the first step as it allows positive energy into your life !

He feels like you don't trust him. His life the last few years has been partially a lie. You did betray him. Of course he has the right to be upset. Also, you don't even seem bothered or worried about your eating disorder. Are you aware you have one? Well worth speaking to someone about it and apologising to your husband. But once you have apologised, the guilt-tripping needs to end there because you do clearly have a problem and he needs to put the betrayal behind him and support you with that to help you get better.

I say this with the utmost in compassion, having been there myself, only I wasn't married, so I didn't have to hide it. You are describing an eating disorder. You may very much want to seek a good therapist for it. What has worked for me is GLP1s (and a good therapist!). It's not just the weight loss (though that's been substantial) but its finally being free of THINKING about food all day long, all the time. Now I eat when I'm hungry (or sometimes because I need to in order to survive), sometimes it's cake; sometimes it's veggies. It's probably the easiest way, but there are others too. Best of luck to you!

Exactly this.

The fact that other people do it doesn't minimise the harm it's doing.

You can do this @LPLJS95 , everyone on this thread is behind you x

What @PuzzledObserver said.

OP addiction thrives in secrecy. Please tell your DH the truth and let him help you by talking.

You could also join a SMART group live or online to get professional addiction support - people can be addicted to food as well as alcohol, drugs and gambling.

Help IS out there. You can change your life with help.

Please don't be ashamed. Looking back won't help. You need to accept where you are and move forwards. Focus less on your size, more on rebuilding healthy habits, like avoiding fast food and secret eating and moving more. One small step at a time. Ask your husband for help, its so necessary when you have kids. Sounds like you have a pretty good base of healthy meals, if you can find something to replace your secret trips for take aways. Good luck.

You might not be the only one it happens to but you can do something about it, starting today, and change your life for the better. I think you need to involve your husband if you can . Build bridges and trust. Join Slimming World or similar, where you get weighed every week. Amazing how that keeps you on track. Good luck.

Good to see you back, OP.

You’re right, the secret eating is not that uncommon, though I do want to say, gently, that the amount of weight you’ve put on and the speed of it IS unusual. Yours is a severed case. And that means the impact it’s having on you is similarly severe.

Know what’s also true? It doesn’t have to stay like this. Whether it’s therapy, injections, surgery, OA, something else, or some combination - people can and do recover from these kinds of problems.

Please don’t allow “lots of people do this” to mean “therefore I will carry on as I’m in good company.”

OP, please just get yourself better. Only you can do it.

I know it's hard, but try and stop the feeling of shame and replace it with a determination to get better.

It sounds like he's more upset you lied to him & weren't honest about your eating habits rather that what you're eating.

Oh yes, I don't think many people think that support means uncritical sympathy. The OP has had a lot of sensible advice, that's not what I'm referring to. It's the ones that just want to rip a strip off her that are not helpful. And the thread has reached the point where no one reads the whole thing so it just goes round in circles.

I think this depends on your definition of support. For me I see a huge amount of support with people trying to help her. Support is not just there there dear.

I know a couple in this situation, she was tiny when they met, about a size ten, petite, loved socialising and she’s now the ops weight and has been for a very long time.

she’s only in her forties but both her knees have gone, they need replacing, they won’t do it unless she loses weight, and she won’t or can’t. Her spine is also giving up, the disks grinding against each other.

She now seldom goes out, we see her about once a year, she walks with a stick and is in chronic pain. She no longer works and hasn’t for years as she wished to be a stay at home mum,

she hates the way she looks and has developed anxiety, he is now effectively her carer, It’s so bad their teenage sons asked him why he didn’t leave as he also deserves a life. He won’t leave her as he doesn’t think she is able to cope alone as she has other health issues like sleep apnea , high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc, she refuses to engage with doctors unless she is forced to ie due to pain.

she steadfastly refuses to change her eating habits, she even drinks full fat Coke, when we’ve tried to talk to her gently about it, she says she eats what she wishes when she wishes and won’t be constrained. And I’ve seen it, normal meals then cake, crisps, ice cream, chocolate. Not bingeing, she just eats with no restraint. Whatever she wishes when she wishes.

he still goes out, socialises etc, and now he’s found a girlfriend, something I’m struggling a little with, she comes to events with us, she knows fhe situation, that he’s now her carer, and he won’t leave her due to it, it’s such a sad situation, and no different to watching an alcoholic or drug addict slowly kill the selves.

so support is sometimes telling someone straight, because if they don’t get it sorted they will end up with a very small world and poor health, chronic pain, very few people can have a bmi of 50 and come out of it unscathed. After a number of years your health starts to decline and fast. The op is young, she can turn it round, drugs exist to help her, but only she can do it.

I think that the OP has realised that an AIBU thread with this sort of title and opening post is not the kind of thread where she is going to get any support for her disordered eating. Any continued engagement is likely just to trigger another round of being told that she’s firmly in the wrong, which she already knows. And it will attract more of the general “have a pop at fat people” posts too.

It doesn't seem like @LPLJS95 is coming back.

However, we seem to have gone a bit wayward into debates about defining binge eating and whether or not posters are being a bit harsh if they don't experience disordered eating themselves.

Whether this is binge eating or not, it is definitely disordered. That much is clear and is something OP needs to address with a medical professional.

What OP has been doing needs calling out - she's been lying to her partner on several levels. If the shoe was on the other foot and we were talking about her DH and alcohol, not food, everyone would be up in arms telling her to LTB. We can sympathise with the situation OP is in with her relationship with food whilst still calling out the deceit. And yes, I have experienced disordered eating for many many years.

OP asked if her husband was overreacting. He isn't. Whatever your standpoint on the rest of it, he is watching his wife slowly kill herself whilst lying to both him and herself. I would be concerned if he didn't have a strong reaction

You have posted on here, hoping that people will agree with you, then you won't feel bad about, lying to your husband, being deceitful, as he supports you. He is the not wrong one, you are. Just turn it around, how would you feel if he did the same to you?

You say you regret being honest with him but it's dishonesty that's been your problem. Why were you hiding the fact you've been eating? Is it because of the money aspect? Or do you have a really unhealthy relationship with food that you don't want to admit to? The way you describe it is very much like an alcoholic who pretends they don't drink. So if it is an addiction, now your secret is out you need to find help for it and explain that is what it is to your husband and hopefully he can support you. I think you're still a bit in denial and are hoping to find people on here who will tell you you've done nothing wrong but responses are overwhelmingly telling you otherwise so please don't continue to fool yourself.

I think technically it is disordered eating, but I’m also not sure it’s an eating disorder either, they are different things.

sometimes we just get into bad habits, are greedy, get enjoyment and comfort, and the op is clear she just eats what she wishes.

She also didn’t say she was eating large quantities, as you don’t need to, she’s eating three squares a day, but sitting in her car with a kfc and some cake doesn’t necessarily mean a large quantity of food but a lot of cals , you do this most days, and you’re going to end up like the op is.

I’m not sure she’s coming back though, I’m not sure she’s in the right mindset yet, and likely doesn’t want to hear it, as much as she’s said she wants to get the weight off, there doesn’t appear any drive to do so, and in fact her op was more she was annoyed she’d even told her husband, as clearly she wishes to continue.

@LPLJS95 whilst I did select YABU and I can understand why you husband is narked, I am where you are right now. Just under 19 stone, mat leave, Covid has a lot to answer for, and always having to be a working parent, idk about you but it lands differently for husbands lol!! (I’m not generalising here but for example I can think of two weekend mornings this year where I’ve had a lie in….🤷‍♀️) I’ve put on 5 stone since I had my son (I lost weight whilst pregnant believe it or not) but a Covid bound mat leave meant I was comfort eating, and that hasn’t stopped! I’m feeling totally sympathetic and I’m hoping things have improved with your husband OP?

Can I suggest booking an MOT with your GP. Also, a little trip to the weight loss forum if you’re wanting to get your head around advice and ideas to help lose weight. Perhaps if you can show your husband you have some determination to lose the weight,
and apologise and explain why you have been the way you’ve been about the secret eating, then it might help him process it. I do hope he supports you OP.

And…being a working mum is bloody hard!!

I think it’s fair to say that hiding in your car, eating a large quantity of junk food, hiding the evidence and lying to her husband about it probably counts as having an eating disorder.

I hardly think the semantics matter though, her consumption has taken her to a weight at which she is likely to experience severe health issues.

If you're secretly eating to the point you've doubled your body weight, you have an eating disorder.

You are not talking about the right things. Your "hunger" is overwhelm, emotions, stress, whatever. Get on the weight loss injections if you can. Work on the other stuff with a professional.