How can I be more forgiving with MIL

80 replies

menopausequeen · 04/06/2026 09:22

Name changed for this

I am middle aged and have been married to DH for 25 years. I have known his family for about 30 years.
When I was young and first married I tried so hard with his family (my DP both died when I was in my 20s) and they were fairly mean to me. Laughing behind my back, dismissing my views, undermining me etc. I was very different to them - degree educated and in a professional role (which they never ever asked about) and they were very much no ambition. Im
not saying that’s wrong but whilst I tried to appreciate their views and lifestyle they did not give me the same courtesy. They weren’t very nice to my DH either at times as he was ambitious and achieved a lot on his own (no support or encouragement from them).
Anyway fast forward a good few years and mil is elderly and widowed, much nicer to me, in fact goes out of her way to ask about me and is positive about me and the way our dc have been brought up. The things I cannot forgive her and I have a real dislike of her. Even when I hear her on the phone I shudder inside and have to grit my teeth to ask about how she is. I see her the minimum amount possible.
i have 3 ds myself and i know being a mil is hard and I’ve probably made mistakes and will
make mistakes with my sons partners but I just cannot move on from my feelings about how mil treated me.
i know I need to try harder but does anyone have any tips on how to do this, it’s becoming a real issue and I know I am being unreasonable but just can’t change how I feel!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2026 09:36

You’re not unreasonable, you aren’t doing anything wrong, you’re not a mean person, you don’t need to change. When she could have been decent and pleasant to you she chose not to be. Her decision. She continued that for so long you don’t like her - entirely as a consequence of her behaviour - and you’re not obliged to change your opinion of her now she’s in a weaker position and needs you. Carry on as low contact as you can and accept she’s created the dynamic and your reaction to it is perfectly reasonable.

MsSmartShoes · 04/06/2026 09:33

Sounds as she damaged the relationship beyond repair. My mil did the same and I just couldn’t get past the hurt and resentment.

Yellowingtrees · 04/06/2026 09:32

That all sounds like complete rubbish now I've written it down, but I do find it helpful!

For me, it's not about 'changing how I feel', it's about working out which bit of me feels this way, and finding ways of being a bit less identified with that part, in that context. It sounds to me as if she made you feel absolutely awful (years ago), and that awfulness probably doesn't come just from her. There were probably other people, other contexts, that did similar things to you beforehand. If you can work out who it is in you that comes out to fight on your behalf in these contexts, then maybe you can just retire them a little here.

God, it sounds such nonsense. But do look up IFS or sub personality work, and see if it's helpful at all. I have really found it so useful in helping me to understand why I find some things/people so difficult, when in other contexts I cope with parallel situations just fine.

It really sounds as if you'd like things to change!

MegMortimer · 04/06/2026 09:30

What do you think has brought about this change of heart in your MIL, OP?

Yellowingtrees · 04/06/2026 09:28

I think I find the IFS approach to this sort of thing really helpful, personally. It sounds as if you have lots of mixed feelings about her - you can appreciate she has changed, that she needs you, that she now likes you. But you also can't forgive what she did.
I find it helpful to think about what part of me is so hurt by this sort of thing. Which 'person' in me is so activated by what has happened? Why? Why does this (now long past) horrible behaviour continue to ring so loudly?
I find that when I can work out, a bit, which part of myself is reacting so strongly, and why, I just have more space to think and feel.

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