AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

My kids are a similar age and love Wisley. However I wouldn't drive that far with them in one day. I think you need to go closer to them and stay overnight in a hotel/B&B and drive back the next day. Or get the train/coach as others have said.

Ask her where the kids would like to go.

Yeah. Worst of both worlds. It overpromises to children because it needs the revenue from family visits. So you get masses of kids around, for whom all it really provides is an outdoor space. But precisely not the sort of outside space that is for being wild and free in. Its an outdoor space for adults to enjoy looking at interesting plants. I love it to bits because I am probably of the same sort of age as the OP, and a plant nut, but it really isn't a great place to drive to for 2.5 hours(!) with kids.

That’s exactly one of the reasons I wouldn’t want to do it… at those ages mine would sleep the 2 hours in the car home after a full day out, then be up all bloody night because they’d slept in the car!

This hits the nail on the head.

She has two small children, the meet-up should happen wherever is easiest for her and most enjoyable for your grandchildren.

Are you genuinely considering not seeing your daughter and grandchildren, who you have never met, because you're not getting your own way on venue?

Nothing wrong with Wisley, it's a lovely place to visit. But it's too far for such young grandchildren, though they'd probably sleep like a log after a day out in Wisley and all that walking.. Can you get the train somewhere nearer?

I think you should go and stay overnight close to her. Either drive or train if you can. It's too much for her to do that with 2 young children. Surely you'd like to meet your own grandchildren.

Wisley isn't child unfriendly, but it also doesn't offer them much. It is for gardening enthusiasts.

You'd think it was a play park the number of kids we see there since they've really pushed family memberships. We stopped being members because every time we went there were screaming kids, running on grass that has been roped off not to go on, going on the borders trampling on plants, while their mums are busily chatting with other mums totally oblivious to what their little darlings are doing.

I think you need to make more effort. If the relationship is so fractured you haven't met your GC and now you have a chance to change that relationship you should be jumping at the chance.

I don't know why you're bothering. Your post reeks of indifference at best and your only motivation for making the effort is because your DS (golden child by any chance) told you to.

Also, the “go and read the website before you text” comment would have really wound me up. When my kids were that age I barely had time to read my own address let alone anything else. Plus her point is that it’s not familiar to her- basically she was saying she wasn’t keen. At that point you should have asked what she’d prefer not dug your heels in. Do you find it difficult to “read” people often?

Honestly I think you really need to think about your interactions with her more carefully or if not just communicate by text/ phone before the wedding as I think you’re in danger of making things worse.

Why should all the compromise be hers? This is one of those threads where I’d really like to hear her side of the story.
Maybe it’s best you don’t attend your son’s wedding as it sounds like you’re not going to be able to be in good terms with your daughter, and you may ruin the day for him.

Out of interest who moved ?

If you're still working and that's why you're too exhausted to drive maybe take some annual leave and go down by train and see her , as pp suggest stay in an air bnb.

It's worth putting the effort in imo.

Ever heard of a train? Can not believe you haven’t met your 4 year old grandchild

She made a suggestion but because it's a little farther than your suggestion, you've said no. So you expect her to drive 4ish hours round trip with two small children? What?

You are the parent in this relationship. Do you understand what that means?

How are you not utterly desperate to meet your grandchildren. You've had a GC for four years and you haven't even set eyes on them. Why are you not moving heaven and earth to make it work?

Take a couple of days off work and take your time driving down and back with a couple of days staying in a nearby hotel/B and B/AirBnB.
Or go down for the weekend.

2 x 2 hour drives in a day with very young kids is a lot.
And whilst I'm happy to do a 4hr drive at nearly 60, I agree there and back in a day is a lot, although have done it for my DCs at uni.

I can't believe you haven't met your 4yo GC when she is only 4 hours away. Is there a train?

I would go on a train.

I’m disabled.

i can’t drive far.
i get the train.

so does my 80 year old mum.

honestly, can’t speak to your relationship in general but with young kids you need to go to her.

I think you should be doing everything in your power to se your grandchildren. Not sure what has gone on in the past but maybe time to try and start again. I can’t imagine not have met my grandchildren. If you get tired after a busy day why not get up early on a Saturday morning/day off and you can be there by lunch? Otherwise I would be looking at train times. I also live 4 hours from family and see them every 4-6 weeks. There are always solutions and think there needs to be give and take on both sides for the sake of the grandkids and the wedding.

Could you go by train instead?

You haveny met your 4 yr old grandchild yet and you like in the same country
Wow .
I thoughty in-laws where bad with 4 visits a year living 10 mins away but this is wild

why aren't you just driving to something near them and stopping on the way somewhere to rest?

A park or something that the kids like doing, just for a couple of hours together, not a whole day while you are all getting used to each other.

Yanbu to suggest Wisley but it clearly doesn't work for her. It's not a win/lose situation.

(Edited after I worked out the distance to Dd rather than DS!)

Your post gives a lot of insight into why your relationship has broken down. Neither of you seem particularly invested in making it work, and your intransigence over the exact travel time is pushing your daughter, who’s travelling with two very small children, to make all the compromises.

This suggestion is all on your terms. Have you always been this rigid? Do you like everything to be your way? There may be some resistance on her part just because this is yet another example of her having to ‘give in’ and go along with what you want at the expense of what she might prefer.

Given that the meeting is a symbolic ‘meet in the middle’ effort to repair your relationship, I don’t understand why you can’t be more accommodating. The fact you’re suggesting it’s either Wisley or you wash your hands of the whole thing, without ever having met your own grandchildren, frankly says more about you than her.

And your daughter crying when asked certain ‘pertinent’ questions in therapy is not necessarily the vindication of your parenting that you seem to think it is.

I also really don't agree meeting midway is a good idea ! Her kids may have nap routines or she may be tired and the kids get overwhelmed somewhere new.
Surely you want the whole thing to be as relaxed as possible ?

Just offer to visit her and do wha makes it work. This is your daughter ! Surely you would put thst above all other convenience.

A 4 hour round trip is a long way with young children. I’m not surprised she is hoping you’ll do a bit more of the travel.
You say you’ve been down and spent a day with her recently but haven’t met your grandchildren yet; why couldn’t you meet them on that occasion?
Honestly if I’d never met my young grandchildren I’d be looking at all sorts of ways I could do so ASAP, even if that means driving a bit further than I’d like or using public transport.