to say I have just had enough ?

That post was in response to op and in agreement with @MesLunettes

My children can’t cook!

If they cook they must clean up afterwards. That has to be the rule.

Why is your DH in bed? Does he not work?

I have a DS with SEN and he would let me do absolutely everything if I let him. I could drop from exhaustion and he’d still be asking me to get him a drink.

What I’m trying to say is it’s not too late to start setting some reasonable house rules re: the dishwasher, shopping, bed times etc. consistently refusing to do everything myself has slowly created a little more independence in him.

We teach people how to treat us and our families will give us as much shit as we will take.

Stop tolerating this.

If they are not willing to clean and tidy it should be no cooking, they can have fruit, maybe a sandwiches but absolutely not cooking and making tons of mess.
have you been told by professionals they have the functional processing skills to cook, but not to clear up?

Time for first a convo with your husband to get him on board, then a family meeting to share out/divide tasks where you show a united front.

Everyone needs to pull their weight. Before the meeting with your husband, figure out what you need both him and them to do. Everyone should be emptying the dishwasher if it needs it automatically, not just you.

Why are their sleep patterns all wrong? Take devices away/turn them off if needed. Yes they are 18 and 16 but they are still under your roof/needing your financial support so while that’s the case it’s your rules and for their own good..,

They are old enough now that this comes under good upbringing and life skills/ making them fit future partners.

I’ve got two young adults with autism. Getting a tidy up crew ALWAYS ended in pain. I did it but, fuck me, it wasn’t worth it. I’m glad it worked for you but all autistic kids are NOT the same!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

tell me you have no idea about send without telling me.

Or meltdowns, avoiding an 18 year olds meltdowns can be a full time job on its own and these meltdowns can be HUGE!

Exactly. What SEN means they can’t deal with cleaning up their own mess so you have to do it? Are you trying to get them to do this stuff? It sounds like you’ve given up and are being a martyr when they’re better off being made to do it themselves. If you didn’t need to cook just leave it.

If they can cook….they can clean!! They need to do it or stop cooking!!

Why is your husband in bed?
does he pull his weight?
what tasks are your sons capable of doing?
Do you have any set jobs they are responsible for?
How are they generally at following instructions? Are they demand avoidant?
Do you have routines in place that normally help run things more smoothly?

I ask because my sons are both autistic and are in their mid 20s and I know how things can get and I might have some suggestions

Although thinking about it if your sons are in their mid/late teens youve probably already tried everything.

Although you mention SEN - You also talk about your kids being up in the night cooking for themselves.... so they are obviously capable up to a point. So they can absolutely be taught to clean up after themselves including emptying and reloading the dishwasher.

Some mess - can be left. Nothings going to happen if the kitchen is a bit messy until after work.

You don't say why your husband is still in bed? If there is no reasonable explanation for this I'd be poking him awake and telling him to take the 16 year old to school.

Why isn’t your 16 yo capable of getting to school by themselves?

I won't pile into DH without more info - why is he in bed?
You don't mention the type of level of DCs SEN, but if they can cook for themselves they must be capable of cleaning up the mess. How much can they do for themselves and have they been told/shown/encouraged to do so? Sometimes parents (usually mums) martyr themselves doing everything for the family and then complain when it suddenly gets too much.

If he's capable of cooking, then he's capable of unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Can you order a grocery delivery online?

I do know very little about SEN, just a friends lovely daughter and know that the kids have different needs so not the same but is there any way you can teach your son to clean up too? Am I totally wrong to say if he can cook for himself then he could pop the items in the dishwasher or wash up after?

Would it be possible for you to sit down with the family and explain that everyone needs to chip in more with cleaning up/running of the house within their capabilities? Wondering if it is at least worth a try.

It's the everyday grind of never being able to come home to a clean house, never having a clean dish or counter to prepare food for yourself because you first have to clean up the mountain of crap someone else has left there for their slave. And it won't just be a once a day problem; it will be after every meal. Ex was like this (he had no excuse; he was just a dick).

Wake up dad. Give him a shopping list of what to go and buy for the 18 year old so that they get some food into them (totally get the issue in relation to the eating disorder).

Give the 18 year old a list of 3 or 4 tasks to do.

I appreciate the 16 year old is in exam session. But once exams are over (almost there now) also give them responsibility for some tasks.

My 8 yo AuDHD (and other SEN also) child is being taught right now how to wash dishes. If you want functioning children you gotta teach 'em to function.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but I don't understand why your children can't do simple household tasks. I thought with training and encouragement this was achievable for most people with SEN. I say this as someone who is Autistic.

Seems that you are enabling your family , probably including your H, to see you as the family servant.

I think you need a family discussion to map out what can be done abouthis is to achieve a family with everyone pulling their weight according to their abilities and not you being viewed as the family fall guy.

Teenagers who are capable of cooking are capable of washing up, emptying and reloading dishwasher and placing an order for any food items missing. Get your DH out of bed.

It doesn’t sound that stressful tbh you got a leisurely run in and emptied and loaded a dish washer!

What would they do if you kept running and never came back?

I’m not saying it’s not hard, god knows I have adult children and I still do my fair share of picking up because you don’t want to be always on at them, but I think you need to stop enabling so much. Start pushing back a bit. Even if it’s only 10%, for your own sanity.

Can’t the 18 year old learn to clear the kitchen to his own satisfaction? Or help do an online shop? Can DH do his bit?

Do you know the reason why the DH is in bed? He could have worked all night for all you know, or be ill, or disabled. We don't know yet!

I see you.

We have the same stuff in our house, including the ages, the SEN, the eating disorders, the WFH. I didn't go for a run this morning because hayfever is killing me and I also slept terribly.

There are no easy answers. It's incredibly difficult. Try to give yourself grace, and take 10 minutes for a cup of coffee and doing nothing. 🌻