Having dead parents is not a personality trait….

It isn’t even just this, it’s the whole sob story thing in general. I have been asked to share my back story with first generation students and have obliged because I want them to feel accepted within the uni and like there’s no ceiling to their aspirations however they grew up. It’s quite nice because they’ll sometimes approach after and talk to me about things they’ve experienced.

I don’t go massively in depth, I try to keep things as to the point as possible e.g I lived in a house where domestic violence and addiction was the norm but I don’t expand. I’d never ever do this socially randomly or for attention (clout as my DD’s would say).

I am a bit unsure really OP.
I see your point to an extent, we all suffer losses and trauma of one kind or another. So it is not exceptional.

But acknowledgement of this and talking about it is a lot better that alternative ways of dealing with it. Such as for example shutting down, pretending it didn't happen or ( very common sadly) using alcohol and / or drugs ir developing mental and physical health problems.

Resilience is born from support. The world has changed and many people seek and receive support online and from others outside of their immediate networks.

I have had a number of bereavements in the last few years. I am totally changed and it is part of my personality. I don't talk about it much but that doesn't divert from that reality.

Be kind and tolerant - its free .

I don't really watch reality TV (prefer true crime 😂), but sounds like I could audition for BGT and have a decent chance of getting on in spite of a lack of talent, I've got plenty of traumatic stories to regail for the cameras!

i lost both parents younger than you and it’s def shaped my life.
Having said that, it feels like everyone in reality TV has some sort if sob story these days, whether it be bereavement, estrangement, carer duties etc. I suppose most people have had something bad happen in their lives though (although it shouldn’t be a prerequisite for appearing on a show).

We all have tragic things having happened to us. Personally I don't ever talk about it because it's private. Only my dh and best friends know. I'd rather die than going on national tv telling everyone about what I've been through. It's just to score sympathy points and it's very cringe as my teen would say.

She edited that info into the official post after I posted that. Her reply confirms.

I think reality show contestants are goaded into this by the producers, but I think less of them that they go along with it. Performative grief is shallow grief as far as I'm concerned.

A long time ago I was in the final round of auditions for a skill based show and they were desperate for me to talk about my "infertility struggles" as they kept calling it. The thing is, one of the reasons I'd thrown myself into developing the skill was because I was trying to distract myself from it all, so I really didnt want to end up having to talk about it on tv!

I remember the really weird way the assistant perked up when she realised I had this sad story- it was so odd and somewhat offensive. Anyway I told them I wasnt happy to discuss it and that was the end of that.

Well my niece and nephew lost their mum at 4 and 6 and their dad at 16 and 18. Their lives have completely been affected by this . They are in their 30s now and whilst they are of course very lucky in many ways, this central trauma is a core part of their personality so I do think YAB(a biit)U

Honestly, stop watching reality TV then. It's designed to be overly dramatic and emotional. I'm sure they only recruit people with a sob story that can cry easily. Everyone has losses in their lives but these shows want to showcase it.

This is so true. Take the 4 remaining teams on Race Across the World recently

• sister/wife died
• Dad & stepdad died
• Major heart attack (I think)
• Young carers for mum before her death

These are all truly sad and awful things to go through. However people should get through on merit of their talent, skill or personality depending on the show. A sad back story just isn’t necessary

But you're not telling the world about it on TV for leverage in a competition.

I'm very resilient. I also have unresolved trauma. Unless you know me very well, you probably wouldn't even know it. However, part of resilience can be an ability to acknowledge that you do have these unresolved traumas and be honest about how they affect you, yet still be able to go about your life. Resilience doesn't have to mean suppression.

Used to be a point of pride to be resilient. Now it’s a problem? It’s a real phenomenon amongst the young that victim status and trauma farming and identity angst is coveted and celebrated.
I think of myself as resilient. I don’t HAVE to have unresolved trauma. It’s not a helpful message.

The TV producers really need to stop this now. On Race across the world it was SO tedious to keep having to sit through those straight to camera pieces where they were being prompted to go over and over their emotional journey. Tell me more about your dead relative. Again. And again. With long pauses until they managed to get a wobbly voice or some tears then CUT.
My children joke about this. ‘What’s your victim story then?’

yoi should patent this idea. I would pay for that.

I expect the sob stories but the worst ever was Lauren singing “never enough” and “finally coming out from the shadows” of being hidden away in the greatest Shownan movie. You know, the one that will have paid her and the role she chose to audition for knowing it was a singing part.

naiseating tv. I was so glad she got knocked round after her golden buzzer.

hats of so Simon Cowell for this acting skills pretending he never had a clue who she was. Could win in Oscar that dude

She has. Says in her first post.

That’s why I can’t stand the repost shop. I want to see the restoration, not the sob story behind it.

This is what irritates me about Britain's Got Talent. They do a public vote, and often the winner wins via a sympathy vote as opposed to whose act is best. I think it should be judged by the judges - but of course, they want engagement and ratings.

And the texts cost a fortune. Who on earth bothers??

I think it's nice when people talk about loss when they are comfortable doing so. Everyone has had some type of trauma normally by the time they are about 30 whether that is relational, family death, illness etc. I lost both my parents to cancer within 18 months and watching my mother die like that was horrific. It had a big effect on me and I don't see it as a personality trait but it certainly shaped me. If you are so uncomfortable with it maybe that says more about your own unresolved trauma and your inability to be vulnerable around that.

Prince Harry. I don't for one minute doubt that looking a parent so publicly at such a young age has a profound effect but he is 42 this year with a family of his own yet every speech.........

It does seem to be a "thing" that everyone needs to have a tragic backstory.

Why?

My back story has more than a few "tragic" moments in it but I would feel no need to share them. Its misery memoirs being televised.

i assume ops point isn't that it isn't a huge part of ones life, but that reality TV seems to screen for this type of trauma. you can't go on anything unless you've got a tragic tale to tell. yes it might be relevant to parts of the journey but it's like it's eeked out bot at a time like that is what the show is about. not people cooking on a boat who happen to have had trauma, but someone who's had trauma who happens to be cooking on a boat.

I think you're mixing two issues. Using a story on a talent show to deliberately manipulate an audience - this is bad and yanbu.

But in general life, wanting to talk about loss, when that is the event that has most shaped and affected your life, however old you are, and however long ago it was - I think it's really callous to say that it's unnecessary or somehow performative.

I speak as someone whose child's father died when she was a toddler. It has entirely shaped her childhood and will no doubt affect her for the whole of her life. I hope she finds kinder friends than some on here.

Oh a dead nan was always a winner on X Factor wasn’t it? The most famous dead Nan of all being the one belonging to the scouse fella… Chris someone…