Having dead parents is not a personality trait….

But do you see that it is the production staff who are looking for these stories?

They want to create a narrative. It's not always dead parent, but as has been pointed out, it's unusual to get through life without experiencing anything traumatic.

You might not like it, but these programmes are popular.

And yet that's not actually what's happening, it IS relevant on those shows because with 20 years of history of reality TV we know there is an expectation of sharing any trauma you've suffered and using it to draw the public in. So actually it IS a forum where that train will be discussed. By making this thread you're acknowledging that you as a viewer know that is part of the format yet you choose to watch it. I got fairly bored of reality TV 10/12 years ago. I prefer dramas and comforting long running sitcoms and the fairly repetitive comedy line up shows etc. there is a lot of TV out there, i think this is a sign you've outgrown what your watching.

If you went to showcase your talent in a reality TV show you'd know the expectation would be you discuss your dead ma. As do those people on the show. It's not trauma dumping out of nowhere it's following the shows directions.

What is different is someone in fairly early grief who brings up their trauma Everytime you see them because it IS at the forefront of their mind. That's shoehorning things in, the people on the shows are following the show format not deciding off their own bat to showcase their childhood trauma. Don't watch it.

Stop watching such shit telly

Oh absolutely! I'm just offering you the explanation I use for myself because I'm not religious but I still feel the presence 💕

Have you lost a parent OP?

We all lose our parents. I've lost much more than that and the last thing I would do is use my loss to try and increase my chances of winning a tacky reality show.

I agree, but I don't think that makes their continued presence less real. It just explains it.

I think the way I think of it is more pragmatic, I knew my mum. I knew how she reacted to things so I can see her rolling her eyes at my gentle parenting and messy house, smiling at my new job. I can see us arguing about my son's nejrodivergence, I can see her loving him and declaring he didn't need labels and you just need to know how to handle kids as individuals, I can see her adoring my daughter, telling me off for getting a dog because it's too hard work. Even if she's not still here, the person she was to me is still in my head so I get to keep a version of her to an extent.

I think maybe you've been encouraged to repress your grief, for whatever reason and would probably benefit from some grief counselling, to help you so that it isn't draining to see it as a theme on a TV show. So if I see someone talk about losing a parent on a TV show I might comment to my husband 'do you remember that terrible hour in my mums house after where noone knew what to do and wee sisters newish boyfriend landed to the house with a box of groceries he'd bought because he didn't know what else to do' or some other related story and we might laugh, reminisce, have a hug and then move on. That becomes not draining. It becomes just another part of your narrative.

Scoffing at others sharing their trauma is generally a sign you've been made to feel suffering in silence is best. It's not though!

I don't think it IS shoe horning though, my mum was a very integral part of my life and her death so abrupt and shocking when I was 30 (I'm 43 now) that it did seem to naturally come up in conversation a lot for maybe the first 5-10 years. The past 2-3 years there's more of my life that she was never a part of, friends who have never met her, workplace that I wasn't in when it happened, parenting children etc but it was a big and terrible event for us as a family, I'm the oldest of 6 and youngest sister was 20 and it was just very traumatic as it was sudden and horrible so it did come up a lot for a long time. Now it's mentioned in passing when relevant (friends who have lost parents, someone asking if my whole family will be at an event, kids discussing why they only have 1 granny that sort of thing) and it's no longer a sombre and horrible discussion because weve all come to terms with it.

Yes that's a bit different to this on reality TV shows using it as leverage but the grief of losing a parent you've had a loving relationship with is very very hard. Living through becoming a parent and parenting yourself highlights that gap too or it has for me. I dunno, I struggle to condemn those who feel grief acutely.

Have you lost a parent OP?

I can’t remember which of these singing shows it was, but years ago there was a teenage girl who had written a song herself, supposedly about her dead grandad. When she sang the song it was quite clearly a break up song and would have had some very inappropriate lines if it was actually addressed to her grandad.

I remember thinking at the time - if she can sing and actually write a song, that’s pretty impressive for a teenager. Paolo Nutini made a career out of writing about his teenage girlfriend, why are they making her say it’s about her dead grandad?

I'm in no way religious, but I do think that people we love hang around and can see where we succeed, and listen when we are struggling
(crap - that does sound like i am religious or woo, but I am not)

I don’t get the chance to talk about my mum, dead for more tha 30 years, very often so I suppose if I was on tv and someone gave me that chance I would take it.

This is it.

Producers select people with ‘a story’. The bit where the music turns sad and we root for the underdog. I’ve not doubt many of the contestants cringe while watching it, too!

Also it a literary trope, killing of the protagonist’s parents so the little orphan can go off on great adventures without mum and dad getting in the way, which would be very boring.

A friend's daughter and SIL were on The Repair Shop. Their 'sob story' (I hate to call it that) about losing a baby and the significance of the painting they brought for restoration was completely unknown to the close family. After the programme aired the picture was rehung in its normal place and never referred to again. Yes, they lost a baby but the story told on the programme was fiction.

George Clarke always seems to find a bit of tragedy in the lives of the houseowners, and is forever prompting them to talk about it. As if nobody could renovate their house without "honouring" a dead relative. "Yes you've demolished the house your grandma lived in 30 years ago and completely changed it into something new, but you are keeping this one light switch to remind you of your Nan" He's quite a pro, and can well up at the drop of a hat. We call him Crying George in our house.

The kind of reality tv I like is something like Alone US/Canadian version. Their 'sob stories' (doesn't feel right calling them that as it sounds belittling) can be very relevant to how they developed their skills and ended up there, so it's interesting to hear about from that point of view. It doesn't feel so gratuitous for that context.

I was going to mention Race Across The World. It would be so much better without hearing about the tragic backstories. Having the people perform grief for the camera is often quite uncomfortable.

Why do you assume that they talk about it all the time? You don’t know these people or how often they share personal information.

The producers of these shows just want a sob story. They don’t actually care about the loss or the illness or whatever the traumatic experience is. They just want ‘good telly’ and an emotive sound track in the background. It’s horrible and I stopped watching any show that cynically used them.

The death of your mother is never going to be 'water under the bridge' even if you are able to speak about it matter of factly.

Speaking from experience, it is possible for a parent to die and for it not to be traumatic if they lived a long, happy and complete life.

However, if you lose a parent in childhood, even just the impact of their loss on everyone around you and the practical consequences of their absence will change your life profoundly.

I don't. People's sob stories don't interest me.
I think it's great that people can overcome adversity, but I am not interested in hearing about it.

I am not hard hearted. DH overcame a bad start in life to do well, although it has made him obsessed with money, but I would rather watch a chef cook an amazing meal than hear about his dead grandmother.

I think if someone’s parents died when they were very young then it does, in fact, shape their personality as they’re growing up. The man who wrote Charlie Brown lost his mother at 10 years old. When describing his life, he always started “When my mum died”. He never said anything about what his life was like before that. The older you are, the more formed you already are when it happens.

But what you’re talking about is more “let’s share this specific type of pain because we’re too lazy to try and get the viewers to sympathise or connect with these people for any other reason” - straight for the jugular so to speak. It’s tacky and offensive to people’s real pain imo.