AIBU to feel angry about my husband's £1000 a month car?

If your kids have everything they need then they don't need money thrown at them.

Parents are allowed to treat themselves with their own earnings.

“Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but if you're married or even living together in a long-term relationship, surely large purchases should be discussed???”

Why?

The whole point of retaining some “personal” money is so that you don’t need to discuss what you spend it on. It’s fine for a couple to pool some of their money but to keep some separate.

Our bathroom and kitchen both desperately need doing but I'm saving for a new dog 😆

Is it a Defender?

Watches are pretty much obsolete now. Everyone has phones. So yes, watches are a waste of money.

I think the car is a red herring, it is representative of the changes you are seeing in him. He is going to the gym more and caring for himself which is a good thing, however it sounds as if you feel this has come at the expense of the family and your relationship. Has he become more selfish? Are his priorities no longer the same as yours?

My DH loves cars, whereas they are a functional thing for me, however he would never splurge on a car without us discussing it first. We have separate finances, but joint accounts for bills etc and emergency savings. So technically it would come from my DH’s disposal funds but he still wouldn’t make the purchase without discussing first and equally, I wouldn’t make a large purchase/ongoing financial commitment without discussing it. Surely it’s just respectful to the person you share a life with.

Is it the car or what it represents? Give yourself time to reflect on what is really bothering you.

But he hasn’t discussed it, she can’t make him. That’s literally why she’s annoyed, it’s not about you being old fashioned

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but if you're married or even living together in a long-term relationship, surely large purchases should be discussed??? Having separate finances is irrelevant in my view. A discussion should happen regardless of you have joint or separate finances.

Paying £1000 per month for a car, in my mind is utterly ridiculous, being able to afford it or not, is again only partly relevant. Being tight on family spending but frivolous on yourself, is selfish and that's exactly what your husband is doing. I have a friend who's husband is exactly like this (although he's got himself into debt). The house is falling apart at the seams, but he doesn't care, just as long as he can spend money on himself!! It's selfish and immature.

I'd be annoyed in your shoes too OP. Being able to afford the money is irrelevant. It's the fact he prioritises himself, over his family.

You think cars are a waste of money and he doesn’t. If he can afford it then let him. Stop being controlling

A new bathroom is just as frivolous.

This just says that they are frivolous to you. He’s earning more than times the average wage and is spending a small fraction of it on something that makes him happy. It’s no more frivolous than anything that you spend money on unnecessarily.

Think more Homer Simpson vibes

I’m not sure you’re right in thinking that you can ring fence the house deposit but you’ll get half of his pension if you divorce!

Hmm it’s a tough one for me this it really depends on the type of finance he may have gone for big monthly payments over a short period to own outright and if drives a lot he’d not want something where the mileage is limited. Many ppl get cars on finance btw some monthly rentals more than double your partners, there is some kind of tax reason for it x

It sounds like you spend your money on things that benefit you all as a family? He spends on things he wants? If that’s the case, it’s not ok.

Once the agreed needs for the family are met (including holidays etc) then you spend on yourself.

Who is he trying to impress? You mention Instagram so is there someone on there he’s showing off to?

That Volvo is impossibly bargainously cheap, and I say that as someone who was in Volvo looking at cars not long ago.

£1k a month is about a £60k car.

If he earns more than you shouldn’t he be paying more than half the bills?

Imo this is as much of a problem as the £1000 pm car.

And I do think the car is "not okay" as it was clearly not discussed and agreed by all pre purchase.

You need a clear joint financial plan.

Our friends drive a brand new Volvo X something that is very fancy and comfortable its £400 pm (which i still think is INSANE and I earn 6 figures)

If he drives a lot for work then he needs a comfortable and reliable car.

What does your accountant say? The car might be a business expense and a tax deduction. Is the car modern with low fuel needs?

I couldn't be married to a man spending £1000 a month on a car. It's £12000 a year. Just no.

Literally anything that isn’t a depreciating asset that you could crash into a wall tomorrow and write off. The OP wants a new bathroom - that’s an investment and everyone can enjoy it.

Yes this exactly. They function. It’s like spending £1000/month on a snazzy washing machine

But it is frivolous. £1000/month on finance must be a very expensive car cash price. Whatever it is, it isn’t necessary. Cars all do the same bloody job at the end of the day and although paying a bit more can bring more comfort/safety/ style (if you care about that), the taps out at way before £1000/month

It doesn't sound like a very happy, loving marriage/relationship. It all sounds very 'off' and not really about the car or what it costs. You've said how he's self-obsessed (gym, Instagram, car) for show but there's no 'togetherness' in any of your posts. If you said your relationship was in trouble it would explain both your behaviours - you're concentrating on the house and have said what your stake is in it, you talk about your separate financial arrangements and the disparity in pensions.

It sounds like he's half way out the door & him moaning about petty hot tub costs etc doesn't sound right - we've got a hot tub & it costs next to nothing to run.