What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

This was me, YNWiMS, I was your husband. Even when my dad was still alive, mum had always been very demanding of my time. After dad died this increased a lot, the grieving, the need for constant attention, the tears on tap. My wife was very understanding but then mum got dementia. I was doing as much as I could, all the health and social care appointments, emotional support and practical support around her house. My work suffered and I requested a P-T role as well as moving from a managerial role, to role without management responsibilities.

In the end my wife was calm, fair and blunt. She told me that whatever I did would never be enough so I had to make time as a husband and dad too. There was no ultimatum but she was very clear that our relationship was in the balance. I can still remember the conversation, we were sat at the kitchen table with no distractions. It was clear I had to take a step back.

The emotion I felt was fear. I was afraid I would lose my wife and that jolted me into action and not visiting as much. Telling mum she needed professional help. Mum was in denial but I couldn’t carry on like that. I was burning out and in danger of losing my wife.

I don’t know what will work for you and your husband but the shock conversation worked with me. That was 4 years ago.

I could not live like this at all, I would leave my DH if he expected me to live with his Mother. You can try the kinder tactic of suggesting helping her find somewhere close by. I mean I’m not like you and would not have put up with a year. You need that argument and then it will pan out after but who knows if you will be getting a divorce, how old is she?

You sit your dh down and explain that you could not be happy if your MIL moved in. That it is your home too. That her demands, and amateur dramatics, more than a year after her dh's death are simply not appropriate. Nor is she being fair on you or your dh. That he has a choice to make and he needs to understand that, before he makes any decision.

It's very difficult but he needs to know what is at stake.

This.

Have the battle. You or her. Thats it.

Have the argument your already the third wheel in your marriage

Sorry OP but you need to have this argument with your husband. Your husband is not a great man if he puts his mother first.
If your MIL lives in another country does she have the right to settle here permanently?

Tell your ‘great’ man that if his mother moves in that you and your child will move out permanently.

Why are you trying to avoid a massive argument? This is exactly the sort of situation massive arguments are designed for. And I say this as someone who's only had 2 with DP in the last 20 years.

Your husband needs to understand that this is a hard no from you. He needs to get that it's you or her. And if the only way to do that is via a massive argument, then that's how it's going to have to go.

Be proactive and when the Conversations start, suggest she moves to a retirement home, flat or whatever. I wouldn’t even let her through the door again as when she’s got her legs under the table, she’s there to stay. And if you need to have the big arguement, then have it.

Did you not say anything in response when she told you she wants to make arrangements to move in with you?! I couldn’t have kept quiet.

You need to speak to her and him asap about this. Like now!

I’m pretty sure shenanigans like this were the reason my brother’s DP left him after 20 years. It destroys relationships.

If your MIL moves in permanently, your life will be ruined. Are there cultural reasons why you are worried about just telling your DH that you don't agree to her moving in?

She sounds difficult, needly and very manipulative. You need to tell your DH that if she moves in, you will have to leave with the children.

If you say she can come for a month, she'll stay for three (or more).

He's not a great husband or father because he's putting you and your children after his mother. There should have no conversations about this without you.

Have that argument because the alternative is misery

There is no way your marriage will survive this. You have to have the massive argument or many of them. Say no.
Don’t let her come back at all. Do whatever it takes.

I am afraid allowing her to move into your home for a year has set expectations.
If you don’t want her in your home you need to make it very clear to your DH.

You just say no. ‘Your mother moving in with us is not something I can go along with. She needs to find alternative arrangements.’

He needs to realise he is enabling her rather than supporting her.

He would be far better insisting that she seeks help from her GP or a counsellor whether it's breavement or sonething else that's troubling her.

Have you made him aware that his relationship with his mother is having s significantly negative impact on his marraige.

Is this a cultural thing, is your husband from a background where multi generational living is the norm? And how can she just decide to move here, surely she’d have to apply for leave to remain or something? Either way, stand firm of your life will become a misery

Time to let your husband know his emotional incest with his mom is killing your marriage. You love him, but you can't live with him making his mother the main woman in his life. That role should be yours as his wife.

She's already moved in, you just don't know it yet. Now you need to set a boundary. You're not willing to share your household and your husband with another woman. Look for a place to live with your kid. Talk about what custody will look like. Make him take a real look at what his life will be without you, his wife, in it. No, he can't spend nights at your place. He has a choice to make and he needs to commit to you and your marriage, or being his mom's emotional husband.

You tell DH if MIL moves back in, your marriage will be over.

Do you want to be a second class citizen in your own home?

You need to bite the bullet and have the conversation SOON. Don’t let things progress (properties put up for sale, visas applied for etc.) or they will be used as to why it is now a fait accompli and there’s no going back.

You have to tell him straight- no she's not moving in with us. If she moved in, me and dc leave.

If he is a wonderful man and husband, this should not turn into a massive argument. Tell him that a permanent move in is not possible.

No she just cant move in with you end off. She must just get used to living on her own. She can move close by and that will be hard enough. But move to your house - absolutely not.

Your husband is wonderful but he’d cause a massive argument if you, perfectly reasonably, said you didn’t want your MIL living in your house permanently? Hmmmm.