What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

A massive argument is exactly what needs to happen, or he will forget that your needs come first and she will be a permanent fixture before you know it.

If the OP's culture does not have multiple generations living together then she is entitled to her culture being followed, too often other cultures are prioritised.

How did you let it get this far? I'm quite fond of my MIL, but I'd rather cut my own head off than share a house with her for a weekend, far less a year. DH would be even more reluctant than I would, in fairness.

But is your DH labouring under the delusion that this is fine with you? How is it you have never had the 'She's driving me nuts -- you need to move her on' conversation?

You be honest. You explain the impact on you and that fact she has to be included in everything and that means more work for you and you don’t want it

only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker and you split up. I would be telling him
that

The sort of people who ask for a few months, then take a year are bot the sort to negotiate with.

She's shown you who she is, she has no respect for you or your marriage, so it's a solid No!

The mistake was including her in everything. You've babyd her and she's had a soft life.

Grief is tough, moving on is tough, it's good to help, but you can't take away the pain.

Moving in will cause you and DH endless turmoil.

A loving mother wouldn't want to impose and would have left ages ago.

She's only thinking of herself, time to think of yourself and your kids.

@youneverwalkedinmyshoes nip this in the bud NOW!!

Tell your DH that it was nice having his mum to visit, but you're so pleased to have it back to normal and now you can relax again!

Try and lead this into a conversation, emphasising that she was just visiting, and that's the way it needs to stay if you want to keep your sanity!!

My mum's MIL (grandma) lived with us for years after grandad died. It's all mum talked about, she hated it and nearly drove her to top herself she was so unhappy. Grandma was a very difficult and unkind woman.

While mum's reaction was extreme, I'd say please don't. Even if you were the best of friends this isn't what you signed up for when you married your husband.

Sadly i agree. I think you need to be prepared to have the argument even if it doesn't come to it. You need to have planted the mental flag in your own mind so that your husband will understand that your decision cannot be changed or diverted.

What about SIL? Where does she live and is living with her an option?

I can’t imagine she would want this either!

Tell him the truth there’s no way around it, and if you’re scared to tell your husband your feelings then I feel that is something you need to investigate and sort out separately in your marriage. Your husband is being selfish - not thinking of you here.

tell him it will impact negatively on your marriage and also your wellbeing and actually it’s really not doing any good for his mum, she needs to learn independence and some self respect, get some friends and a life. You could go nuclear and say it’s either her or you leave.

You just need to be honest and say it’s too much. He needs to understand this could end up impacting on your marriage / your child etc. It’s obviously more common in some cultures, but in the UK it’s generally not the done thing. Even harder given she sounds quite hard work. She needs to widen her social circle and build a life for herself. What about SIL? Where does she live and is living with her an option?

This.

You won't be able to say what you want to say without it becoming an argument.
The magic words you are searching for dont exist, im afraid.
You can either have her living with you and be miserable or tell your husband you will not share a home with her and deal with whatever his reaction to that is.

absolutely this

she should make friends, take on hobbies, interests. Tell him that keeping her with him is stopping her from having any chance of happiness.

Sadly, you probably will have a massive row, but you are NOT BU at all.
She's an adult, it's beyond unfair to become a burden on your children.

Remind him legally his obligations are to you. That's marriage...

I would leave. Wouldn't even bother to have the argument.

Oh, there's no easy way to tell him you're not going to be living with his mom. He's so emotionally enmeshed and she's using him as her surrogate husband down to calling him what she used to call FIL. Tell him when they act like they're married rather than you that it's killing your love for him.

And it will. If he keeps on down this road he will be living with Mom and that will be his primary relationship. That's not a good role model for your children either. The emotional incest going on here is toxic.

He may not like it but this is his future if he wants to be his mother's son instead of your husband and father to your child.

You agreed to a couple of months, she's been there a year.

Now she has left you need to be really clear with DH that it needs to be permanent, she cannot return to your home. I wouldn't get bogged down with reasons that he can use to argue against you. Just keep it simple. You agreed to 2 months. It's been too long. She can't come back. If he pushes it ask if he wants to move out and live with her, and mean it! Assuming you do mean it.

If you let her back in after her trip she will never leave. She needs to know this now so that she can make alternate arrangements and halt any plans to sell her home and turn up at yours with nowhere else to go - not that it would be your problem if she did.

Out of interest how would your DH feel if your parents moved in and monopolised your time?

No, she can't move in with you.
Yes you will help her find a nearby property of her own.

Sorry . It's time for a MASSIVE argument..
Time to make an extremely firm stand.

It’s a hard no. No compromise. No granny annexe. No converting the garage. No need for a massive row. If she moves in, you and your child move out. Rinse. Repeat.

I think you've probably already done far too much, OP, which is going to make it very difficult.
Ultimately, you tell your husband that it's either you or his mother, and he has to tell mummy that she can't live with your family.

You ask him to choose. I did the same with my ex dh in the end and fil was gone and back to his country within the month.
it was a horrible year and I’d never have a family member live with me again

Bloody hell.

You’re the Diana in this marriage.

There will be an argument, and that’s on him because he’s been doing shit behind your back and putting her above you.

She lives with you and your marriage is over anyway. Her staying extended periods of time is also a slow death for your marriage. He, and she, are being ridiculous.

Big argument now or a thousand when she moves in.

Just tell him straight how you feel. He needs to know now rather than presenting you with a fait accompli in a few months time.