What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

Listen to this!

Sounds like you’ve lived this miserable experience.

Very few people are the Waltons and people need their own privacy & space.

That’s the other thing for OP to consider - don’t accept her for a trial period and see how it goes. Once she moves in she’s there forever.

My mum has no home or money for her own, never learned how to do admin or run a house and is now in her 90s with multiple health issues. She can’t go anywhere.

Awful to say, but sometimes I think I am just actually waiting for her to die so I can get life back - but before she moved in we got on very well.

Your marriage will be over if she gets her way.

You need to get a situation where she has her own place and then boundaries set in terms of how often you spend time with her.

It’s very sad that she’s lost her husband but her grief and misery cannot engulf you.

You need to have this conversation with your husband asap.

No matter her situation you've done your bit, she should be ready to get on with her own life, on her own.

What age is she? I'm assuming she's of a culture where her husband did everything for her. Is this why she's so dependant. Is your DH her only child?

I'm afraid I don't see how you can avoid an argument if your husband doesn't already realise how unhealthy his relationship with his mother is and how unreasonable she is being. I'm sympathetic to someone needing support after the death of their spouse, but living with you for a year is taking things too far, never mind trying to make it a permanent arrangement.

It would come down to an ultimatum for me. Your suggestion that she stay with you for a month or two every few months is more than generous. If he can't see that, then I would be questioning the future of the marriage.

You need to ask her to move out. Don’t lose each other because of it.

I’m really sorry to read this - what are your DH’s thoughts on her living with you now and is there any chance of her moving out?

A wonderful man would not entertain the idea. The woman is a complete nightmare.
(She sounds like my mother, who I happily have no relationship with)

An argument takes two, so decline to argue, just state the fact that you will be divorcing if he tries to force you live with her.

You just need to state that you will not accept her moving in - be firm and clear and do it now before the plotting goes any further.
I would suggest looking for sheltered accommodation near by if he wants but there's no way I'd be converting my house or moving to get a granny flat - that will be just as bad.
How old is she?

Be very careful.

My mum moved in with us after my dad died, DH and I were both happy about it, she’s lovely, independent, great with the kids, it was perfect for everyone. We started off with nothing but positives.

Within a couple of years it became tough. Two women in one house, people criticising each other, comments about parenting, constant tiny conflicts. It has now got worse year by year and genuinely has been a massive part in the collapse of our marriage. We are clinging on and she’s still here and it’s awful. She goes away every 3 months and the relief is immense.

You have big concerns already, so it’s could be awful for you. Don’t do it.

Tell him straight, if she moves to your area she gets her own place, she can entertain him and your child at her place every if she likes but as far as you’re concerned it’s when you’re happy to spend time with her. It’s totally unacceptable to expect you to share your marriage with her in your own home

I hate conflict too so I can completely understand you wanting to avoid an argument, but if the only way to make yourself crystal clear is to have the argument, well then have it! You can’t really afford not to!

I have to say I don’t think your DH is as wonderful as you say if a) he will turn a completely fair boundary from you into an argument. b) what his mother wants is more important to him than what you want c) he allows his mother to badmouth you without challenging it. None of that is wonderful, in fact it’s very poor husband behaviour.

If my DH wanted his mum to live with us, we’d discuss it (without arguing) and if I said no, that would be the end of it. It’s my home as well as his and I have a lot of say in who else lives there! If his mum badmouthed me (whether under our roof or not), he wouldn’t stand for it at all and would probably ask her to leave if she was in our house.

Sod that, either she goes, with or without her precious DS or you do.

This is very true - why would the MIL’s culture trump the OP’s?

I would 100% have that massive argument.

Hell would freeze over before my MIL would move in for month, let alone permanently.

Now is the time to have the row, put your foot down and 'absolutely not' this idea.

Agree with others commenting that she needs grief counselling and support from an external source but I would not let her move back in, even under a 'temporary' guise.

Your relationship will never be the same if she uses your husband in lieu of her deceased one.

You will have to have an open and frank conversation and it sounds like an ultimatum is needed. If she moves in, our marriage will disintegrate, so if you agree to that then you are agreeing to our marriage stopping.

You have two options
speak up now
or
put up with her forever. Have the conversation with your husband and tell him it would be best to find her sheltered accommodation or a small flat nearby and support her day to day but that it is too much of an encroachment on you and your children to have her at the centre of everything every day. Or suggest he and she get a place together and he visits you at the weekends!

She's essentially making your husband her consort. If that's what he wants, then your marriage is over. I would put it as bluntly as that to him, sorry.

You start making serious research into how to separate eg sell house? Split savings? Where, which area? When you have this information you will feel confident to have the massive argument. Sometimes it is needed, it’ll hopefully be like a bucket of cold water on your husbands head and he’ll wake up a bit.

In the meantime, push back. Sil didn’t ask every day about her cold? Why should she. It’s only a cold.

Shes linking arms with your husband and you’re behind with your child? Whatever you’re doing, split. Shopping? Different aisle. Walking in the park? Take a different path, turn around and go to the play area.

Hours of crying? Get the hoover out, put the washing on.

Not paying enough attention to her? Pay even less.

Your husband made a vow - to put you first, ahead of all others, when you married.
He is breaking his promise to you already.

You need to tell your husband that your love is fading because he is emotionally more invested in his mother's wellbeing than his wife's.

I DO live with my MIL. She is/was a lovely woman, but now has dementia. She is not a burden and we love her, but even this puts a strain on our relationship, and we need to.push to make sure we lead as a team.

Tell.your husband he must choose where he wants to invest his loyalty - to his wife (which he promised to do.in front of witnesses) or his mother.

Best of luck and I hope you thrive in whatever future you decide.

"How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. "
Bluntly, and without fear of having a massive argument. Some things are worth arguing for, and the life and welfare of yourself and your child definitely come into that category.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Your MIL is being unreasonable. You tell him so in no uncertain terms, and you make it clear that this is not negotiable. She is NOT moving in, and he needs to decide whether his is a husband and father, or just a son. And if he's just a son tied to mummy's apron strings he can fuck off and live just the two of them, because you are not having her move in.

Have the argument. He needs to know this is a line he should not cross.

You have been supporting her and you can help support her in future. Just not in your own home. You need to be clear to your DH that you will always need your own space for you and your family and that this is definitely not negotiable.
She needs her own space too to help her adjust and come to terms with her widowhood. She can't or won’t do that while she’s using your DH as a substitute husband and emotional crutch.
Most of us here are in total agreement with you on this issue, OP. I really hope you can feel this support and that it helps you to get the outcome you need and deserve.

This is a hill I would die and end the marriage if necessary. P