What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

And remind DH that if you were to divorce you would be entitled to approximately 50% of the value of the house.

I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life.

I think you just have to say that. You can explain that it isn’t because you don’t love her or don’t care but you married him, not him and his Mum and you would like this resolved before it becomes a big problem for you.

I’d be gone. I’d honestly have to tell DH that if MIL moves in you have no option but to live separately.

How old is she? Will you be expected to be her carer when she becomes infirm?

Can DH afford to add a granny annex onto the house, or find her a house nearby?

I would absolutely refuse to live all together. I can’t think of anything worse. I’d sooner get divorced.

You have to be prepared to have the argument.

You have to be prepared to have a conversation which gives your husband the choice about whether to live with his wife and child, or live with his mother following a divorce.

You have to be prepared for a massive argument. I would leave. This is an absolute non negotiable for me. I’ve never hidden this. Someone else’s young adult child has just invited themselves for a month. By day 3 I was quite clear with everyone including the child that no she couldn’t stay beyond day 5. I’ve made sure that she has been unremittingly bored. I’m unavailable 14 hours a day.

This isn’t just her life or your DHs. You aren’t a lesser person. Make a fuss FFS.

You were happy to support her and living together was only ever meant to be a temporary arrangement. It has now been a year. I think you have been very supportive and it's ok to tell your DH that this is becoming an untenable loving arrangement. Do you have somewhere to go if he has no intention of changing the current living arrangements?

If you’re in the UK and she is not a British citizen she has no route to a settlement visa.

I adore my MIL but I still wouldn’t want her living with us! Or even my own mother for that matter! I think a previous posters suggestion of maybe looking to get her a little place that’s in this country and near enough that you can see her regularly but not near enough that she’s in your doorstep daily!!

No - why should the OP do this, it’s just a one way ticket to being a carer and/or MIL moving back into the main house

Tell him this is a hill you’re prepared to die on OP. If she wants to move to the uk and live separately somewhere near (but not too near) then fine. But if you allow her to move in with you she’ll never gain the independence she needs in order to have a life without her DH and she’ll make your lives unbearable in the process. I’m speaking from experience as a widow. It’s very hard - you don’t just lose your partner, you lose a whole way of life. As harsh as it sounds she has to learn to navigate this herself. A year in is very early - grief isn’t a linear process and you swing backwards and forwards. I felt as though I was on a roller coaster sometimes, but you learn to cope. She needs to be independent and as far as I can see your DH is enabling her to take the easy way out. He needs to know that that won’t help anyone - least of all his mother.

I think at this stage, especially due to secret conversations behind your back about who will be living in YOUR home, you'll need to be blunt: No. Absolutely not. No. You are done. And if he can't say no to his mum to save his marriage, then he can leave and go live with his mum.

You didn't sign on for this. And if you have young children, she can't be that old.

this is great advice and I have often offered similar professionally. OP, Be clear with your husband and MIL that you cannot give what you have not got to give that you can offer X and Y but not Z. I'd be massively careful about agreeing to extended visits because its sooooo easy for them to extend longer and longer!

Sounds like you need to stick up for yourself and tell them it’s not working and can’t continue.

You have to be prepared to have the argument. You need to think about the long term health of your marriage. If you are unhappy in your own home, your marriage won’t last.

Ultimatum - you can either live with her or with me but not both of us. Stick to it.

Just say no. Explain why. If he shouts, walk away. If he cries, pass the tissues. Do not relent.

You have got to tell him that you wouldn't be able to cope and your marriage wouldn't survive because of the stress. It's a huge burden and responsibility and she deserves a place that is able and willing to accommodate her appropriately, wherever that is, and no matter how far away..ha

Offer to find her assisted living, her own apartment, a house nearer to you, but don't let her move in!!!!!

I do sympathise. I will be facing a similar situation, no doubt, but my DH wouldn't want his DM here..I'd be the one advocating for it to my own detriment. Don't be me!

Do not do this unless you want to be the carer.

You can't avoid the argument. You have to have it, because he has to know NOW that it's not happening.

Can you compromise and buy somewhere with a granny annexe ( that she chips in for )?!That way she gets support and isn't lonely but she's not under your feet and in your house. Otherwise ultimatum time.

She'd call him 'daddy' by accident

wtf.

Been here!! Whilst she is away you need to have the conversation with your dh rather than have it when she’s around. You need to state calmly and clearly the reasons for your refusal/no (that it undermines your relationship, that it is distracting him from his relationship with his children, that it is modelling unhealthy behaviour to the kids / whatever your reasons are). He might be hurt/cross/insulted or whatever but you remain absolutely controlled and resolved. You let him go away and think about it if he doesn’t want to immediately agree. But you make it clear that for you it’s non negotiable. You can offer an alternative (nearby sheltered housing) which is reasonable. My Dh was initially very upset but realised my pov was valid and fair. It wasn’t a comfortable time but we got through it.

Start the conversation straight away.
Say we need to talk about long term plans for your mum, what were you thinking...?

Tell your husband it's either his mum or you. Because to be honest, if she moves in it will wreck your relationship anyway. Do it sooner rather than later before they make plans behind your back.

Hey darling. Your mum said to me that she wants to move in with us permanently. I don't know if she's spoken to you about this yet but I think it's really important that I make it clear that I am not willing to have your mum live with us full time. It is making me miserable. She can visit a month every three months. But no more. She needs to develop her new life, not replace her husband with you, and you are my husband and our child's father and I need to prioritise that.