What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

Ah, yes. I have an emotionally trained 'good son' DH. It was suggested by SIL that FIL live 50/50 with us & her after MIL died. I've never had a good relationship with IL's, and told DH outright 'if he moves in, I move out'.

I also took a different angle. Told DH no way FIL could/would stay with SIL & we'd have him 100%. I'd be doing zero care & what it looked like for HIM going forward. He'd be doing meals, washing etc, and the elder care as FIL became more frail, and family (SIL) would pressure him to not put FIL into care. We wouldn't be able to relax on the couch or have a private conversation (FIL would tell SIL everything) or take holidays. Our DC would suffer. I was brutal. Suddenly not such a good idea as it affected DH's life. He hadn't considered any of it.

Ironically I brought it up recently (two years on) as FIL is now in care. DH denies he ever entertained the idea!!

Compromise and she moves to live near you ? In a flat nearby for example ?

The tears when her health isn't the centre of attention
The "I'm scared to be alone " nonsense
She is a highly manipulative witch

OP if you are still reading, you are important.
Do not put your own needs behind those of someone else.
We had a similar situation with MIL years ago and it was unbelievable how she went from being completely dependent to returning home fully independent when she realised she couldn't live here full time.
Book a time in with DH and stress that you need a grown up conversation. As brutal as it sounds you have to say "it's me or her" or he will carry on along the oath of least resistance.
Good luck to you.

She must already have the right to be in the UK as the maximum time for a visitor visa is 6 months and she's been with OP for a year

You need to shut this idea down now op.

It has disaster written all over it!

Pressed wrong button!

YANBU - of course

Elderly dependent visas are almost impossible to get here.

This would be fair if the MIL wasn’t a psycho….

You say she lives in another country. In many countries and cultures, it is considered great to live with several generations-free babysitting, much more opportunity for the family to learn tolerance and sharing, and care for everyone-and each person has fewer chores as they're shared, plus financially, it's easier. In western countries, it's sometimes seen as weird, and can be difficult if the house is small. Could you look at a granny flat/addition, OP? If you live in a flat or tiny terrace, I get there might not be room; we once had relative staying in our house after hospital, which was not easy as he needed constant care and wanted meals making during the night-not easy when we have kids and work FT! But if you have a garden, and if you can afford it, you might get the best of both worlds.

It really isn’t reasonable that she wants to live with her son. That chapter finished when he grew up and started to live his own adult life.

Your idea to live close by is good though.

You just say it.

She is his mother not his wife. The relationship is enmeshed and you don’t want to feel like the other woman in your marriage.

This visa is for relatives over the age of 18 who need long-term, personal care to perform everyday tasks (such as washing or cooking) due to age, illness, or disability. You must prove that this required level of care is not available or affordable in their home country, even with financial help from you.

So I doubt it.

@youneverwalkedinmyshoes you’ve done more than enough to support her, it’s time for her to go back home. She was in a toxic and abusive marriage so it’s not as though she’ll be any worse off on her own. In fact, she’ll probably be happier if she only gives it a try.

I would firm with DH and tell him ‘I married you, not you and your mother! I’m happy to accommodate her visiting but just because her life has changed it doesn’t mean mine should. Her living here permanently is not an option. I will not allow it. So sort it!’

I quite sympathise with you for not wanting MIL to move in. It is perfectly reasonable that she wants to live with her son, it is perfectly reasonable that you don't want her to. I think you need to look at positive alternatives like is there a sheltered housing complex near you - maybe where MIL would have some support if she needed it and company around her, and also be able to see you reasonably often and have you nearby if she deteriorated or just got horribly sick and actually needed her son to help or just make some decisions?

I think that avoiding a massive argument is not going to be possible. But the best option would be to work out what would be acceptable to you, present that option or options to your DH and tell him that is your bottom line. Having her for a month at a time is very kind of you. Having her nearby is a good option too. But ultimately she needs to be building her own life, not relying on you completely.

this is enmeshment. Say no.

I’m completely with you, the OP is entitled to have a say who lives in her own home.

Agree she can move near ( ish ) to you but not with you .
It's called compromise .

I also think you need to stand firm, OP, and say no to MIL moving in. Even a nearby flat doesn’t mean she will actually stay there quietly, it could mean she calls him to help with everything from opening a jar to handyman things. Hopefully there would be lots of hoops to navigate to live permanently in another country and with her emotional dependence maybe she wouldn’t anyway get very far with the process.

I would keep it as a firm no, and say that visits are fine but I would also think about putting her in a hotel on some visits too, citing some issue with the house. At least it is only day visits and maybe your husband would spend more time with her one on one without dragging you and DC into it.

Not a chance. Put your foot down.

You are married to your husband not his mother!! He needs to hear that he should be prioritising his own family and yes his mother needs his attention etc but not over and above his wife and children!!

Tell him now, and in no uncertain terms. Go nuclear if you have to. You cannot allow this situation to develop further and for any further time and resources invested in it by DH and MIL. You've got to be cruel to be kind.

Could she not be classed as a dependent, and obtain the right to live with her son in the UK?

She treats the men in her life like husbands....it is really love triangle and these usually end with a lot of drama, tears and sometimes even murder