What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

Your reply demonstrates that you have not properly read OPs post about her MIL's extremely difficult behaviour. Looking after your elders is one thing but allowing your life to be dominated and manipulated by them is another.

You need to immediately start drip feeding the message that this is a nonstarter, before your MIL and DH cook up any plans. And make it clear. Be passive at first if you need to but you need to succinctly say that you will never have his mother live with you.

My Mum has recently lost my Dad and whilst she is devastated - she has pushed herself to do things, join things, drive to places she never has before, she joins me and sisters a lot for meals out and outings but she is living by herself for the first time in her life at 74 and is just having to adapt.

I would say to your husband tonight…

Your Mum seems to be a bit better, that’s good. She has to start adapting. It’s a new chapter and it won’t be easy, but it’s time to get on with it. If she visits us every six weeks, then sees Auntie so and so in the summer, it will give her things to look forward to.

Then in a few days ‘Spoken to your Mum today? Don’t suggest her coming over until at least the end of July, we have too much on and she has to start getting used to being on her own.

Then a few days later say in conversation ‘There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you, but I couldn’t cope with your Mum living with us. Dear Lord, I’d be out that door in a flash if you ever suggested that, ha, ha. Great that she’s got you though and she can visit regularly.

Normally I wouldn’t recommend this but what about a retirement flat with warden? My nana bought one of these years ago and made lots of friends and got involved with socials there (bingo, she organised fish and chip suppers, afternoon tea).

She should sell her overseas property and move into a place not too far from you guys. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Where is MIL a citizen? She’ll have to pay the annual NHS surcharge, and will struggle to get a visa if she’s not a Commonwealth citizen.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

This isn’t kindness, it’s a transactional relationship based on necessity. Around the world, until recently, people have had little choice.

Tell him it’s fine, but your mom has got wind of the plan and is also up for moving in.

Tell both of them you’ll gladly support her in finding a new place close by but she can’t live with you long term, end of. She’ll make a big drama out of it and you’ll no doubt be the villain but you’ve truly already done enough to support her and she doesn’t sound overly grateful.

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

Oh, I missed that.

Does your husband actually want his mother to move in? If so, I don't see how you can avoid having the argument.

It's like she's replaced your FIL with your DH. There's something called emotional incest and this describes it down to a T.

OP, I would not entertain this^^ suggestion. Everything you've said about her behaviour would be detrimental to your life is she were in a flat close by too.

It takes two to argue, so just don't. Draw your line as kindly as you can, but stick to it. Don't justify it. Just say no.

For example "DH, I can't have your mother living with us again. Last year was really hard. I can't do that again, not even for a month or two, let alone something permanent." And if he asks why just say "I hate it. It's not a life I want." Don't get into criticising her, don't point out that he walks ahead with her and leaves you trailing behind. Don't talk about her attention seeking, or resorting to tears, or calling him "daddy". Any reasoning is just a lever he can pick at, telling you it isn't a good enough reason or that MiL will change or whatever. So make it all about how you feel. Just say that you don't want to live with her. That you married him, not her, and you can't do a long stint with her again. That you aren't going to argue about it. And if he tries, shake your head sadly and walk away.

In effect, this is the Phoebe on Friend's tactic - "I wish I could, but I don't want to." a clear and effective way of putting your boundary in place.

Well said!
In any case I'm very skeptical about these claims of tolerance and sharing when it comes to multigenerational living.

Does the mil sound tolerant and sharing?

You don’t have an argument, you draw your lines. You say clearly living with your mum has made me miserable, and it’s terrible for our marriage. If you move her in, then dc and I are moving out. You cannot have both of us living here. So please can you think about this and tell me your plan for your mum.

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I would be prepared to hve the mother of all arguments rather than have a MIL living with me -especially a drama queen attention seeking MIL who bitches about me behind my back.
My answer would be “If she’s going to move in you need to get an extra job mate as youwill be paying for two houses as there is no way on Gods green earth am I living with her. “.
or, alternatively “No”.
And don’t go down the granny flat route -as you will end up in there for your sanity. No no no.

I think MIL has her claws deeply embedded. Now her husband is gone her son is his replacement, she knows how to control him & he cant stand up to her.
I dunno...ultimatum & MEAN it. Might work and if it doesnt you'll have to get shut of them both, if you dont she will bleed you both dry.

Hi op sorry this is tough one but I think you need to remind your dh you married him and not his mother yes death is very difficult but people can get on with live yes it’s not easy but she really cannot expect your dh to replace him. Explain that visits are manageable but for the long term no. He might see it as you being mean but what if it was your parent how would he feel about them being under your roof long term. His mother brought him up to go it alone now he’s got his own family so she should be happy about that but not to expect him to put her first. Don’t threaten him this won’t work you just need to be assertive in explaining that it can’t work.

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