Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

241 replies

youneverwalkedinmyshoes · 03/06/2026 17:34

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 04/06/2026 18:35

There has been discussion before about this generation being the 'squeezed middle' because of caring for children (many of whom are still young as people having kids later), working, juggling the home and their own health and then sometimes caring for ailing parents too, people are being pushed into mental health collapse.

Not just your generation, I’m afraid. I’m in my 60s. I grew up as many did with a granny sharing our house so mum was looking after 3 kids and granny 1 then granny 2. She almost lost her mind. OP, don’t do it.

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/06/2026 18:30

Start with saying your MIL can’t stay with you until she’s signed up to see a Dr and a grief counselor. Then the massive argument, I’m afraid. Don’t let him tell you that you’re being dramatic or ridiculous. Foot down with a firm hand and check about access to the NHS.

BeddysMum · 04/06/2026 18:26

My first thought upon reading the title was "run away to sea to be a sailor."
(Yes, that's a Winnie the Pooh reference)
But now I've read your whole post, I'm convinced Piglet was onto something 😂

NeedSomeHeadspace · 04/06/2026 18:04

It sounds like your DH is breaking you in quite gently thinking you’ll ease your way into his/her way of thinking. You need to put a halt to this and address it now, firmly and conclusively. Then the idea can be put to bed and you can relax.

Lovedogwalking · 04/06/2026 17:54

How old is she?

TeaCupTinsel · 04/06/2026 17:48

lxn889121 · 04/06/2026 05:10

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

I'm glad people are finally being 'selfish'. Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing - it's self preservation. It's more common than not, in this day and age, that both adults in the family are working, juggling children and to take on care of aging parents would push them too far.

In the majority of cases, it's women these caring responsibilities fall to. It is incredibly unfair to have to manage younger children, be feeling shoved out of your marriage by MIL who is using OP's husband as a substitute for her deceased spouse (this particular OPs situation) and potentially have to continue to deal with that and her care.

I do look forward in time and I would NEVER ever want my children's lives to be held back because of me! If I needed that much care that I couldn't live independently, I'd either go warden controlled flat, care home or potentially even 'Thelma and Louise' it, if it meant I didn't have to sit in a room while someone wiped my arse for me each day.

I think expecting your children to give up their lives (and probably sanity) for you, is the epitome of selfish behaviour.

There has been discussion before about this generation being the 'squeezed middle' because of caring for children (many of whom are still young as people having kids later), working, juggling the home and their own health and then sometimes caring for ailing parents too, people are being pushed into mental health collapse.

There is nothing wrong with making sure your in laws/ parents are adequately cared for but nobody should feel guilty for not taking it on themselves. It is such a hard job and puts strains on marriages, mental health, work commitments and also the children who witness it all.

Husband is in the wrong for even entertaining such a massive life changing decision without his spouse.

It is also entirely unfair to imply that anyone who won't consider looking after their parents as somewhat morally inferior or a innately selfish person.

I concur that it takes an amazing person to care for ailing parents but I also respect anyone who holds their hands up and admits they can't/don't want to do it because it is SO important that people are genuinely happy to/ accepting of the role of caring for elderly relatives because of how demanding and difficult it is. Otherwise that's where you end up with people snapping/ abuse of the elderly when people aren't coping or are frustrated with no support, little thanks and barely any income. Family carers are amazing but it comes at a large toll for the wellbeing of the 'carers' themselves.

AlternativeView · 04/06/2026 16:43

Well dont avoid the massive argument ! Just have it !!

Gresley · 04/06/2026 16:38

You need to put your foot down now. And if she eventually finds her own place, make sure it's not just round the corner. And that she rings before dropping in.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/06/2026 16:26

Well your mistake was letting it stretch past a couple of months, functionally she already lives with you, and stopping it is going to be very tough.
You have to have a proper heart to heart with your DH and make it clear to him that this level of drama is not acceptable and that your MIL is ruining your life together, and that of your child, who has to come first.
This is going to be hard though the idea of"nipping it in the bud" is over a year in the rear view mirror- you have to be honest MIL is ruining your relationship, he simply hasn't got the time to be husband to you father to his DC and be husband to his widowed mother.

Farmwifefarmlife · 04/06/2026 12:53

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/06/2026 10:02

Normally I wouldn’t recommend this but what about a retirement flat with warden? My nana bought one of these years ago and made lots of friends and got involved with socials there (bingo, she organised fish and chip suppers, afternoon tea).

Exactly lots of supported living for elderly people. I’d be suggesting this, I couldn’t live with my MIL 24/7 I doubt many people could!

JayJayj · 04/06/2026 12:50

Iamstardust · 04/06/2026 12:31

I have seen this numerous times. The male partner dies or leaves and the son (implicitly or explicitly) is appointed man of the house, I think it leaves a lot of men rather messed up if it happens when they are children.

Show quote history

I think this started way before that. She mentioned the FIL was abusive, she has had her son as her husband for a while.

JayJayj · 04/06/2026 12:48

lxn889121 · 04/06/2026 05:10

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

The mother is treating her son like a substitute husband. Her own husband was abusive so she got her emotional needs met from her son.

This is nothing to do with looking after your parents as they age. The mother is treating the OP, as she is the other woman rather than her son’s wife.

She sounds manipulative. “I’d rather jump in front of a bus than live alone” that is emotional manipulation.

Fizzybluewater · 04/06/2026 12:36

Only read the title, NO WAY would this be happening if I was in your shoes, no matter if I liked mil /fil or not. [Not likely to happen both are dead.]

Bettysgoldentail222 · 04/06/2026 12:31

CountryGirlInTheCity · 04/06/2026 11:30

I would agree with you that our individualistic society has had a negative impact on community life and to some extent family life. However, I disagree that the husband here is to be praised for his behaviour.

He is in a marriage. That is recognised in law and by societal norms as being a primary adult relationship. By which I mean that if someone is married, that relationship is recognised as the priority adult relationship in someone’s life. And if they have children, those children are also a priority relationship. When you get married, all other adult relationships become a lower priority than the marriage relationship. That even means parents and siblings. Not that they’re not important and not cared about but a person’s first adult responsibility is to their spouse. That also ought to be respected by other family members.

My mum has been widowed for years and DSis and I see it as our responsibility to make sure she’s cared for appropriately. She’s an amazingly fit, healthy and independent woman in her eighties so it’s not an onerous task at the moment but she’s got a minor op coming up so I’ll be staying with her for a few days to look after her and it’s a privilege to do so. However she would never put me in a position where I had to choose between her and my husband. She has never said a bad word about DH in 37 years of knowing him, nor has she about my sister’s husband (she adores the pair of them so not difficult) and she doesn’t do attention seeking things for the sake of it. She knows both DSis and I are there for her and support and help her but she also knows we have other family responsibilities that are very important. OP’s DH listens to his mother bad mouthing his wife and does nothing about it. That’s despicable in my view. He is also in secret talks with his mother about the future whilst keeping his wife in the dark. He has his priorities absolutely wrong and it will go very wrong for him if he’s not careful. Sadly this MIL is the very opposite of my mum. She’s self centred and divisive. I’m also a MIL and keep well out of my children’s (thankfully very happy) marriages.

Show quote history

Spot on! Absolutely agree with this!

Iamstardust · 04/06/2026 12:31

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/06/2026 00:25

It's like she's replaced your FIL with your DH. There's something called emotional incest and this describes it down to a T.

I have seen this numerous times. The male partner dies or leaves and the son (implicitly or explicitly) is appointed man of the house, I think it leaves a lot of men rather messed up if it happens when they are children.

sittingonabeach · 04/06/2026 12:14

@lxn889121 in the majority cases of multi generational living it will be the woman who ends up doing the majority of care, and in many cases it is culturally expected with no choice.

I am glad if that expectation is changing. There should be a choice not expectation

CountryGirlInTheCity · 04/06/2026 11:30

lxn889121 · 04/06/2026 05:10

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

I would agree with you that our individualistic society has had a negative impact on community life and to some extent family life. However, I disagree that the husband here is to be praised for his behaviour.

He is in a marriage. That is recognised in law and by societal norms as being a primary adult relationship. By which I mean that if someone is married, that relationship is recognised as the priority adult relationship in someone’s life. And if they have children, those children are also a priority relationship. When you get married, all other adult relationships become a lower priority than the marriage relationship. That even means parents and siblings. Not that they’re not important and not cared about but a person’s first adult responsibility is to their spouse. That also ought to be respected by other family members.

My mum has been widowed for years and DSis and I see it as our responsibility to make sure she’s cared for appropriately. She’s an amazingly fit, healthy and independent woman in her eighties so it’s not an onerous task at the moment but she’s got a minor op coming up so I’ll be staying with her for a few days to look after her and it’s a privilege to do so. However she would never put me in a position where I had to choose between her and my husband. She has never said a bad word about DH in 37 years of knowing him, nor has she about my sister’s husband (she adores the pair of them so not difficult) and she doesn’t do attention seeking things for the sake of it. She knows both DSis and I are there for her and support and help her but she also knows we have other family responsibilities that are very important. OP’s DH listens to his mother bad mouthing his wife and does nothing about it. That’s despicable in my view. He is also in secret talks with his mother about the future whilst keeping his wife in the dark. He has his priorities absolutely wrong and it will go very wrong for him if he’s not careful. Sadly this MIL is the very opposite of my mum. She’s self centred and divisive. I’m also a MIL and keep well out of my children’s (thankfully very happy) marriages.

jeaux90 · 04/06/2026 11:24

youneverwalkedinmyshoes · 04/06/2026 09:51

She said she'd be happy to move to a flat near us, BUT she's scared to live by herself in her own house, in her own country where she speak the language, etc. She knows how to manipulate the situation: she says 'you'd find me dead in on the streets, i can't live by myself", "I rather jump in front of a car". Quite bizarre attitude. I know she needs to see a doctor, quite soon. She won't listen, mainly because she likes the drama, the attention, i suppose.
No, we're not from a culture where multi-generations live together, just happen to have a needy, manipulative MIL. :)
Thank you all. It looks like I need to prepare for the massive argument.

This is emotional abuse. Threatening to kill yourself to get your own way.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/06/2026 10:48

lxn889121 · 04/06/2026 05:10

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

'Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.'

This isn't the case in the UK. Parents have a legal obligation to care for and support their children up to the age of 18. Failure to do so could result in them having their children taken into care and the parents being prosecuted for neglect.

There is no such legal obligation for adult children to provide hands-on care for their elderly parents and to move them into their homes. Some people will do this, either because they actively want to provide hands-on care for their elderly parent(s) or out of a sense of duty or obligation.

OP's MIL doesn't sound like the sort of person that will enhance OP's life. I'm not sure how old she is but she doesn't sound capable of living independently and will be a massive burden on OP if she moves in with her. She would monopolise OP's husband and contribute nothing positive to the household.

Horses7 · 04/06/2026 10:17

H has to make a decision fast and that must be a flat nearby but strict rules about MIL not having a key to your home or not allowed to just drop in whenever she feels like it.
Sadly you may have to be as tearful and manipulative as MIL is - play her at her own game.
If H is not prepared to put you first then you know exactly where you stand and then you’ll have a decision to make.

Skybluepinky · 04/06/2026 10:17

Tell him he can get a place with her, then he’ll have to deal with her.

Moveoverdarlin · 04/06/2026 10:13

lxn889121 · 04/06/2026 05:10

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

I one hundred percent would look after my elderly parents because they’re nice people who have done a lot for me. But this scenario doesn’t sound like this. The MIL is being manipulative.

Holding hands with her son while his wife and child trail along behind?? Fuck that. That is most odd behaviour. Why doesn’t he say ‘Christ Mum, we can’t hold hands, I’m a 42 year old married man, not six.’

Everyone assumes older people are sweet and vulnerable, but they’re not. It sounds like this MIL wants to relinquish all responsibility and just move in with OP and replace her DH with her DS with no regard for the OP whatsoever.

PenelopePinkerton · 04/06/2026 10:09

My gran lived with us when I was a small child and it was horrific for everyone. I’d never inflict that on my kids.

ShetlandishMum · 04/06/2026 10:07

No way. She can get a flat in the neighbourhood or I would be out.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/06/2026 10:06

A flat nearby I can see why she might agree in principle but before my nana got the retirement flat she bought a normal flat. She moved from her house due to divorce and close of their business and she didn’t want another house. Found it too much hassle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread