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Original poster

What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

241 replies

youneverwalkedinmyshoes · 03/06/2026 17:34

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

OP posts:
Flamingojune · 03/06/2026 17:46

Csn you convert the garage into a granny flat etc. How old is she

Overtheatlantic · 03/06/2026 17:44

I would flat out make him choose between me and her, and if he chooses her he will pay half of everything you’ve built together.

MeridaBrave · 03/06/2026 17:43

Urgh. Can you move to a house with a self contained flat for her? And even then you need some firm boundaries eg doctors / medication.

Otherwise you’ll need to tell him that he has to choose and that whilst some support is reasonable you won’t be having the endless drama in your life / and if she is going to be moaning about you, you’d rather be far away.

Coconutter24 · 03/06/2026 17:43

“I’m happy to help you and MIL look for a property close to us so she is near if she needs us but I’m not happy for her to live in our home with us.”……. Leave that with him and the next move is his, see if he agrees or disagrees with you

MissMoneyFairy · 03/06/2026 17:43

Wheres your husbands sister in this arrangement

KojaksLollipop · 03/06/2026 17:42

Are they from a culture where multiple generations live together? If so, it’s going to be hard to broach without sounding unfeeling. I’m in agreement with you though, she needs to start building her own life, with friends sbd her own interests, you don’t say how old she is, but she could have years left.

Ilikeanicecupofteainthemorning · 03/06/2026 17:41

does she have british citizenship? what would be the visa situation if not?
look carefully into this, if she doesn't have the right to access eg the NHS you may end up responsible for paying for her medical care

junebirthdaygirl · 03/06/2026 17:41

Could she move to an apartment or sheltered housing near you in your country but not with you. Do not let her live with you. You deserve a life too and she is demanding too much. Does she have other family back home?

OnceYoureToastYouCanNeverBeBread · 03/06/2026 17:40

You need to lay your cards on the table and say that you are concerned that his DM is expecting to move in with you permanently, but that you are simply not happy for this to happen.
Suggest that you can look for assisted living close by, so that he can still spend lots of time with her, she isn’t alone, but that you have your marital home to yourselves.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 03/06/2026 17:40

You don't have to have a big argument. Just tell him it isn't going to work for you, and be firm. Don't have to justify it by raising her personality issues/drama hog/weirdness etc (because that will make it a big argument) - just say you need your space, and want your family to have space - and that it will not work to have her move in. Full stop. I would hate to have this happen, so you are not alone!

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 03/06/2026 17:40

I’d be quite prepared for a massive argument. I’d separate rather than live with my MIL, luckily my husband feels the same was about his mother. I don’t think your husband is a great partner if he prioritises his mother’s comfort over yours.

SapphOhNo · 03/06/2026 17:39

You tell him now and nip it in the bud.

He's not a good husband if he's already had secret conversations.

Could she move here and live separately?

SingtotheCat · 03/06/2026 17:39

You will have to have the “massive argument.”
You do not want a life with your MIL, full stop.
If you are worried about your husband’s wrath, if he is prepared to make you unhappy by having her live with you for a whole year and allow her to speak badly of you to him, you do not have a great marriage and he is not a good husband.
The rest of your life, as long as MIL is alive will be a life you do not want if you allow her to live with you.
You have power over your own life and do not have to stay in the situation. You will have to take courage and fight this battle.

Sirzy · 03/06/2026 17:39

I would broach it from the point of helping her find somewhere perfectly close by so not living with you but still close. Point out how everyone needs some space so you don’t kill each other!

MissMoneyFairy · 03/06/2026 17:39

She's stayed with you for a year, what's happened to her overseas property. Does it need seeing, she could buy a small flat near to you.

FlappyFish · 03/06/2026 17:38

You tell your husband it is her or him. That is what it comes down to. Be prepared to act on it though. It sounds like he is deeply enmeshed.

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