What is the wankiest thing you’ve seen your ex do?

My ex was a tosser. But I was young and naive. He modelled himself on Denis Waterman AKA Minder.
But he was so stupid he once tried slicing bread with the loaf on top of the kettle flex and shocked himself 😄
I'm a horsey woman, and used to work at a riding school. After I ended the relationship he used to turn up at my work and hang about looking forlorn.
I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to get back with him.
So he bought a bag of apples, proceded to take a bite out of each one and throw the rest over the gate. Fucking weirdo.
But it gets worse. I was living with my Dad after Id moved out, had the upper rooms in his house. Dad had a key on a bit of string because he'd forgotten his key a few times.
Dickhead ex knew this. Also knew that my Dad went to football with my brother every Saturday so the house would be empty.
I got home fromwork, and the first thing I noticed was the smell of his feet (yeah they always stank).
I called out "Is that you Baldrick". No answer. Went upstairs and found him lying on the contents of my dirty laundry, simulating sex, whilst watching the scene from Equus where the boy attacks the horses.

My ex was a tosser. But I was young and naive. He modelled himself on Denis Waterman AKA Minder.
But he was so stupid he once tried slicing bread with the loaf on top of the kettle flex and shocked himself 😄
I'm a horsey woman, and used to work at a riding school. After I ended the relationship he used to turn up at my work and hang about looking forlorn.
I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to get back with him.
So he bought a bag of apples, proceded to take a bite out of each one and throw the rest over the gate. Fucking weirdo.
But it gets worse. I was living with my Dad after Id moved out, had the upper rooms in his house. Dad had a key on a bit of string because he'd forgotten his key a few times.
Dickhead ex knew this. Also knew that my Dad went to football with my brother every Saturday so the house would be empty.
I got home fromwork, and the first thing I noticed was the smell of his feet (yeah they always stank).
I called out "Is that you Baldrick". No answer. Went upstairs and found him lying on the contents of my dirty laundry, simulating sex, whilst watching the scene from Equus where the boy attacks the horses.

I absolutely love this thread 🤣 definitely needs to go into Classics! The chewed table mats fully did me, it’s been days and I’m still laughing 😂
I’ve name changed for my contribution as it’s pretty outing. A few days after exh and I had the official ‘we’re definitely getting divorced’ conversation, our then-3yo was diagnosed with leukaemia. She (and therefore I) spent weeks in hospital, which was already very difficult compounded by much bad feeling between exh and I.
So fast forward, she’d been home for a couple of days, I was organising to move out with the kids, we were still living together in the meantime, she was very poorly, the other kids were pretty traumatised, it was all horrible. Youngest was on intensive chemo so had all kinds of weird food aversions & cravings and would only eat a few things. She’d asked for something specific one evening; exh and I lived v rurally at the time so the nearest shop was about a half hour drive away. He was going out to collect a takeaway for his dinner (no one else got one obviously). I asked him to pop in to the supermarket (next door to the takeaway) and collect this food that youngest had asked for - she wasn't up to being hauled out to shops at that point. He refused because “I don’t want my food to get cold”. So I waited with an extremely sick, hungry toddler for him to get back with his own dinner so that I could do the nearly hour long round trip to get hers.
There were so so many other instances of wankery, but that stands out as one of the top contenders! To be so petty that he’d throw his seriously ill 3yo under the bus for the sake of making my life a bit harder 🤦‍♀️ on the plus side it cemented for me that it was 100% the right decision to leave.

I absolutely love this thread 🤣 definitely needs to go into Classics! The chewed table mats fully did me, it’s been days and I’m still laughing 😂
I’ve name changed for my contribution as it’s pretty outing. A few days after exh and I had the official ‘we’re definitely getting divorced’ conversation, our then-3yo was diagnosed with leukaemia. She (and therefore I) spent weeks in hospital, which was already very difficult compounded by much bad feeling between exh and I.
So fast forward, she’d been home for a couple of days, I was organising to move out with the kids, we were still living together in the meantime, she was very poorly, the other kids were pretty traumatised, it was all horrible. Youngest was on intensive chemo so had all kinds of weird food aversions & cravings and would only eat a few things. She’d asked for something specific one evening; exh and I lived v rurally at the time so the nearest shop was about a half hour drive away. He was going out to collect a takeaway for his dinner (no one else got one obviously). I asked him to pop in to the supermarket (next door to the takeaway) and collect this food that youngest had asked for - she wasn't up to being hauled out to shops at that point. He refused because “I don’t want my food to get cold”. So I waited with an extremely sick, hungry toddler for him to get back with his own dinner so that I could do the nearly hour long round trip to get hers.
There were so so many other instances of wankery, but that stands out as one of the top contenders! To be so petty that he’d throw his seriously ill 3yo under the bus for the sake of making my life a bit harder 🤦‍♀️ on the plus side it cemented for me that it was 100% the right decision to leave.

Oh sweet Christ! 🤢

The board flipping was a regular occurrence in our house when we were kids. My siblings and I would start a board game. It always started well, then someone accused someone else of cheating, it went downhill very rapidly and always ended up with the board and the pieces all over the floor and my mother ranting and raving at us 🤣🤣

The board flipping was a regular occurrence in our house when we were kids. My siblings and I would start a board game. It always started well, then someone accused someone else of cheating, it went downhill very rapidly and always ended up with the board and the pieces all over the floor and my mother ranting and raving at us 🤣🤣

The Monopoly one reminded me of my ex who was losing badly one Christmas and suddenly flipped the entire board in a rage. I should have left him then and there but he convinced me it was more aggressive than he had intended because he had had more drinks than usual (which very soon became the usual amount of drink...)

Think this one is literally the “wankiest” 😂

The only way you can "own" having a gold car is the way Theo Thingy did on Top Gear, he was on with Peter Very Tall, both from Dragons Den. They got the same car (Maybachs if memory serves) and Theo said he didnt want boring black so he got his in (his words) "Jewish Racing Gold" which was absolutely hilarious, very self aware and self deprecating!

My ex (last man I ever dated, as previously mentioned) had a drink problem, which became the instigator in me leaving albeit I tried to help him with it for a LONG time before AND after we split up. I hadn't noticed it, I think because I was young and we would go out drinking a fair bit, or for dinner and drinks like was fairly normal back then. I didn't realise he was doing it all the time, when we didn't see one another, after we'd got in once I was asleep, and eventually all day and lost his job due to it. Aaaanyway........

One day I came home from work and he was as was fairly usual, asleep on the sofa in a stupour. He had undone his jeans and his manhood was sticking out. Again, unfortunately normal.

But I looked, because his (sizeable) knob looked like a tomato sausage. It was bright red like the colour of chilli sauce. I couldn't figure it out. Later on when I woke up he explained that his jeans had felt too tight and he'd undone them for that reason. Odd but fair.

A few days later he was doing the previously mentioned thing of 'bobbing along' naked apart from his dressing gown sans belt, and the contrast of his white beer belly/legs against his knob was stark. It was still bright red.

I had to ask him again.. 'Ex, why is your knob the colour of a ripe tomato?!' and he admitted that he'd ran out of lubricant so had decided to 'jerk off' with antibacterial soap as it was the nearest liquid to him at the time.

Would've been good if he'd have used it on the rest of him or in fact, ANY soap at all, more regularly.

It took a good few days for the redness to go.

Just remembered another. Visiting my parents with my boyfriend at the time (parents lived around 250 miles away). He supported Man U who were on a winning streak at the time. They lost the Saturday afternoon match so he went to bed and refused to get up for dinner. I was absolutely mortified.

Oh my word is he called Charlie? Knew a guy like that (friend of a friend) when I was young and would not put this list past him. This is wild. How bloody weird on the Economist front! That’s so grim!

There are some harrowing recollections on this thread

But just for general surrealism I was torn between Shaman dad under tree his teenager has to walk past to go to school
And Narc emotional goldfish

But then gold car in Preston enters the fray!