AIBU Be Fed Up of Partner’s Grumpiness from ‘lack’ of sex?

At the very least you both are incompatible - in terms of sex drives, temperaments etc. And, that is going to inevitably lead to resentment and upset. I'm not sure this is something you can just shove under the carpet.

‘What he means by it’ isn’t relevant here.

His behaviour is making you uncomfortable. That means a long term relationship isn’t going to work.

You do not have to be uncomfortable in a relationship. Your lives should each be better for being together. You will resent this more and more, and nothing kills your sex drive quite so dead as duty sex.

I was in a coercive relationship with a manipulative man. It was exhausting. I could never do enough, there was always something else that was wrong or my fault. And I didn’t know until my current relationship (which began when I was 42 and had been single for five years) that not every relationship is about remembering to do/not do the thing, about twisting yourself into uncomfortable shapes to make someone else feel better so that they’re nice to you.

@N0ChildrenYet it doesn’t have to be like this. You could be alone and contented in your own company. You could be with someone who actively wants and tries to be kind and loving towards you, without having to be reminded that that’s what boyfriends are supposed to be towards their partner. You could be living a life on your terms, where you aren’t coerced (whether inadvertently or not) into having sex you don’t want just do that your partner will be nice to you.

It’s so sad that we don’t all know this from childhood. I really hope you can find your contentment without this man; you shouldn’t need to make so many excuses for him.

This is the dynamic you need to examine carefully. When you say he's inadvertently manipulative, what that says to me is that he engages in behaviour that causes a change in your behaviour. Why does that happen? Is it because of something in your past - i.e. you fear grumpy behaviour so you have sex to alleviate your fear? Or is it because you know that if you don't give him what he wants things will get worse? Do you fear him abandoning you?

It could well be that he's behaving in a fairly reasonably tetchy way, but that you're way overinterpreting his actions and feel responsible for repairing the situation so he doesn't leave you. It could also be that he's far more canny than you think and he knows that if punishes you - subtly - he'll get what he wants.

The only way to figure out what's really going on is to talk to him. Any attempt on his part to deny or downplay your concerns is a huge red flag - he should at least hear what you have to say, if only to reassure you that in fact he's fine with not having sex and he's sorry his reaction was so obvious. If he did say that, then the grumpy behaviour should and must stop.

It could also be the case that you two are just not compatible. You want emotional connection and affection. He wants sex. Neither of you is getting what you want. If you can't work that difference out, it may be time to call it a day.

One thing I would point out is that after 5 years the relationship should be committed and serious. The way you talk about him makes him seem quite disconnected from you, which isn't reassuring.

Quite honestly it's you or no-one for him as nobody else would put up with his behaviour.

You keep contradicting yourself.

You say he sulks if you go too long (in his eyes) without sex, but also "He’s incredibly patient and never actually forces me to do anything I don’t want to do as he knows I’ve been coerced before."

Honestly he is doing less than the bare minimum. Our lives completely changed course when I became ill and my husband did struggle with it but he has never stopped supporting me. He takes me out and does the driving and sacrifices his own things for me. He preps dinner before he goes out to his second job.
I'm not telling you this to brag, but if you feel your dp deserves better then I suspect you are letting yourself be treated badly because you don't think you deserve better.
You do deserve better. He shouldn't be sulking.
He should be seeing you as a whole person and not a sex object.
You are NOT high maintenance. You have needs because you are human. Don't ever let a man think you are asking for more than you deserve.

He doesn’t actually know that I don’t want to have sex when we do have it

Well he needs to know! You are having sex that you do not want - that is wrong on every level.

There really is no future in this relationship - or do you want a lifetime of this? Having sex you don't want; and perpetually trying to explain to him how you would like the relationship to function.

To hell with his "needs" - there are plenty of ways of dealing with those that do not entail you being forced (and yes it is being forced when you do it to stop him being grumpy) to have sex. Sex does contain a biological need but most humans incorporate this into a relationship where it cements the connection and is just one part of the whole.

It sounds as though you have tried to communicate what constitutes a decent relationship in your eyes and he just doesn't' get it. He is not depraved - he just has a different idea about what a relationship should look like and you are incompatible sexually. You cannot keep this up long-term. It is a waste of a life.

Well it was his problem because he wanted it when I didn't.... I love the sunshine; I get irritable when I am deprived of that.
I do feel a bit sorry for men sometimes; I don't think my husband has ever refused me sex, and I imagine that's more the norm than the other way round.

But like everything in life, there has to be compromise if relationships are to survive.

My problem with this is that we always reduce sex to a man's problem, and try to make women feel wrong if they are the one with a normal sex drive.

It doesn't make the grumpiness acceptable but maybe we should finally normalise that men AND WOMEN want and need sex, or that SOME do, and some more than others.

I was going to answer and say it's a 'man trait'; men get tetchy when they want sex and it's denied. I know my husband used to watch the cloud formation when I was sunbathing in the garden. ...when a big one came along, he would start getting affectionate. I knew what he was doing, it would irritate me, and obviously sex would be off the agenda. We laugh about it now...at the time it wasn't funny.

But reading OP's posts, it goes deeper than that. No man should be grumpy. because his partner is not in the mood...at least not for more than 5 minutes.
No woman wants to be mithered for sex, especially if health issues are involved.
I agree with a previous poster who advised talking before dumping.

Dumping is the last resort, not the first.

"s struggling with life at the moment. He’s not treated well by his employers, his dog is dying and he LOVES his dog so so so much. His general home environment is horrible"

He needs to fix these
Ok he cannot fix his dog.
The rest yes
look for new job
Tidy his houseboat or move
You are not there to fix him by having sex with him
It maybe that he is fixated on sex as the one thing he can demand ftom you while not acting to adrress some other issues like his living arrangements

Poor lamb, he doesn’t mean to sulk and punish his partner, but he has his manly needs, so that’s ok then.

Wake up @N0ChildrenYet and stop making excuses for this man. Raise your bar, you’re worth more than this.

Sex pest. Dump. Post haste

You are making a lot of excuses for what is essentially abuse.

His behaviour is coercive, his grumpiness isn't ok. There's a word for a man who coerces you into sex and it shouldn't be partner op.

I have read your last post OP and it sent shivers down my spine. I'm going to repeat a bit of my post. Read it, and read it again.

When you have been in one abusive relationship you have a higher chance of having another abusive relationship, albeit a different or more insidious type unless you have done the work to reinforce your boundaries and see the warning signs.

It's very unclear what you're getting from this relationship. He's anti-social, lacks empathy and isn't affectionate. You end up having sex with him that you don't want because otherwise he's sulky and grumpy. Do you like this person?

You say that you don’t think he means to be sulky and grumpy when he doesn’t have sex but isn’t that even worse than him doing it deliberately. If he literally can’t help himself and if he is unable to understand how he comes across and the effect it has on you how can you possibly think you can remain in a relationship with him.
What do you want out of life and where do you see yourself in the future. Not just the next 10 or 20 years but your whole life.

He is a sex pest.
He will not change.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?