Could you still hold a grudge against someone from primary school?

When I was in Brownies I refused to let a girl some of the sweets in my pocket at the end of a meeting. The next time I saw her, I was 11, and I was sitting down on a bench, she came up to me and smash my head up against the wall behind me. All because a few years earlier I didn’t share my sweats. That was 40 years ago. Yes I still hold a grudge against her, I always dreamt of seeing her with her children so I could say what a bitch she was.
I know how her life ended up, and I know mine is far better. I guess success is the best revenge.

The amount of times I’ve recounted to therapists what has been said to me at primary school by other school kids… and I’m sure these people would not remember at all or have any idea the effect they had had on me. Similarly, there’s undoubtedly been people I’ve hurt over the years too without realising the impact.

I think it's part of being in denial about what they did. They hope that their victim will just roll over and forget it and that will validate their interpretation of past events - it was just banter, a bit of fun, only teasing, all blown out of proportion, just kids being kids, all kids do it, blah blah blah etc.

No, all kids don't bully. You have to enjoy inflicting suffering over a long time to be a bully. It's not the same as a friendship spat or shoving someone in the lunch queue.

Some people just never seem to grow up.
I had a run-in with a woman whose DC was in the same year as mine at primary about 5 years ago (they're now Y10).
She lives locally so I do cross paths with her once in a while. About a month ago, I saw her as I was walking along the road. She smiled and said hello.
Last week I was in a shop on the High Street. She walked in, saw me, scowled and walked out again.

The OP did chip in more info on page 4 or thereabouts.

Tbf it could be that her primary school friend is a bit mad. This thread isn't so different to other threads about mad neighbours - there's one going at the moment - who get involved in silly games and one-upmanship. The difference is, in this case it provokes scores of 'Yes, I was bullied actually at school' type posts.

Maybe recalling her old school friend puts her back in that time - and there could be other things going on then, bad family life and so on.

It could be she remembers things differently, as others have suggested - but that doesn't mean she remembers correctly. If people are messed up as kids, their perspective could be out of whack.

Finally, it may just be that she feels she hasn't got on in life, hasn't succeeded while the OP has - that kind of thing could easily make you not want to interact with a former school friend.

My online path recently crossed the school bully for the first time. It's been more than 40 years, but, by god, I gave it to her, both barrels.

I would never recognise the girls....

Kids should know better or we’d all be bullies at school. I knew better so why don’t they? Did you know better?

It’s easy to hold no grudges against people who didn’t harm you.

I'd hold a grudge against a teacher - a child no, they didn't know any better, although my primary school teachers were great, the secondary teachers I would have a few words to say to them as an adult.

you earned this!

Maybe she's pursuing the former schoolmate down the High Street, crying 'It was only silly girls' politics, and anyway, Sandra really did like me best!'?

and still the OP returneth not.

From secondary school yes, but not primary school. I still “have beef” with the two girls in my friendship group who sent me to Coventry for most of year 10. My crime was picking triple award science for GCSE, which meant I ended up in the same form class as the popular girl in the group. They accused me of doing this purely because “Lisa” was also doing triple award science. Fortunately I paid no heed as it ended up being essential for my degree choice! I would be polite, even pleasant, if I were to bump into them in public now, so as to keep the moral high ground 😁

It obviously wasn’t “silly” to her and has clearly left very real scars. Her feelings are valid and you do not get to minimise them like you are trying to do.

I think you need to reflect on what you did to her to cause pain that has lasted into adulthood. Your concern should be that you have caused someone lifelong pain and not trying to suggest that they are the problem.

The fact that you have no idea what the issue is and aren’t bothered about that, suggests the issue is you.

Me too, absolutely 💯 including a couple of old students from sixth form, people do terrible things/ make awful choices especially at that age. Even hope one of them is no more..

Maybe she didn’t and doesn’t see it as "just silly girls' politics". Maybe from her point of view it was bullying that affected her deeply.

I'm not saying she was right - it’s a shame you couldn’t both talk about it - but it obviously made a deep impression on her, rightly or wrongly.

From what you’ve said no I wouldn’t hold a grudge but I’d bet money that if you asked her for her perspective she’d have a completely different memory/reason than how you remember things.

If someone has treated very badly you can certainly hold a grievance against them for a long time.

It depends! If someone had physically bullied my sibling I would not be up for being their bestie as an adult. If I'd been jealous of someone for having nicer clothes than me I'd be open and warm to them as an adult because that was about my own feelings more than anything they did to me. In general, I'd give people the benefit of the doubt but if you're that person who made my sibling's life a misery or that girl who made others lives miserable as teens, nah, I'm not getting involved and I will hold that grudge.

We didn’t have a school bully. There were a few boys that were nasty to me but I wouldn’t give them a second thought now. One works in Nando’s and I don’t say hi but I’m not going to avoid Nando’s just because he works there!

I will never get why old school bullies try to add their victims on social media… especially years and years after, presumably because they think what they did “wasn’t such a big deal” so you will have just got over it! It’s irritating but oh so satisfying when you reject their request lol.

Yes! A nasty horrible bully that made my life and others hell. She tried to friend me on Facebook 15 years ago. I said nothing just blocked her. Not something I want to go into again.

I don’t think I could hold a grudge for the reasons you have stated in your op. I’m sure the ‘stolen’ best friend has their own mind and can make their own decisions on who they want to be ‘best friends’ with. I had many petty arguments with girls over this issue back in primary school but could never hold a grudge.

I would and do however, hold a grudge against certain people who relentlessly physically and emotionally bullied me at school to the point of causing emotional and mental distress! Even had a few of them send me friend requests on facebook years and years later which I rejected.
I’m in my 40s now and absolutely cannot get past the abuse I suffered.

The fact you have no empathy to her feelings tells me she did right by leaving.