To introduce a tablet to Autistic 5 YO?

The other thing OP that is essential to your survival is getting proper school accommodations in place. There is no silver bullet with PDA but at my DDs school all the staff are very on board with her needs now and she gets a lot of flexibility around clothes, timings, activities and so forth. It has meant that at least there isn't an immediate screaming meltdown every day right after school, and that most days she can attend. With all the interventions in that world at home, you still can't compensate for the distress happening at school.

Would you have room for a small indoor one? His school has one of these for this reason - if a child needs to regulate they go and bounce for a bit!

I also think this will make things worse longer term, and probably cost you in broken tablets.

My ASD DD is fortunate to be quite articulate, she describes the kind of calm from a tablet as a feeling of being dead inside, not a nice kind of calm like things are actually better.

She can luckily now regulate herself to be pretty unaffected by her ASD, something I never imagined when she was at nursery. It's all proprioceptive input - cold showers, hard running up hills, cold water swimming, punch bag etc. It gets her out of her head and into her body.

I'd try everything else first, even if something like spending an hour on the roundabout in the rain feels harder at the time. Also, don't ask what they like, if they feel better, just make mental notes about how they seem - the asking is too much responsibility at this age.

Good luck, it's impossibly hard and nobody is judging you to want an easier solution, you sound like an excellent mum.

This.

I don't think YABU to consider giving it to him - it sounds extremely difficult. But the truth is that it is a tool to help you, more than it is to help him. That is valid. You need to survive as well. But it needs to be treated that way and absolutely minimised to when it's essential.

Other than having a more regulated and relaxed mum (maybe - depending on whether it cause meltdowns when it has to end!) - I don't think there is really much good that can come for the child from giving him a tablet.

My PDA daughter does have access to a tablet or games on my phone. I held off for a long period but honestly whilst it has pitfalls it has been a bit of a game changer as I can use "temptation bundling" to get her to do tasks that she absolutely couldn't do, that would involve hours of screaming and mental breakdown, such as teeth brushing. From being completely unable to do a lot of these regular demands, she is now sometimes even able to do them without the pull of a phone or a tablet which is basically life changing. I think essentially this restrained her to be able to tolerate some things.

She also gets some general access to it, though not unlimited. Surprisingly, she doesn't always gravitate towards mindless crap - yesterday she was watching instructional videos on how to draw various things and has drawn a series of really quite good sketches. Not only that but she has even managed to get herself beyond her own meltdowns when the sketches have gone wrong, with minimal snapped pencils and ripped paper and again I see this app as actively contributing to the frustration tolerance she naturally has been seriously lacking in.

There are certain things on the tablet that are dysregulating that I wouldn't allow. YouTube kids for example. Anything with a scrolling element. But audio books, curated TV shows, games and educational apps seem to be working out.

Also one of the most massively regulating activities for her is playing Animal Crossing on a Nintendo Switch. You get to design your own home, build up little educational collections and then slowly build up various types of points to expand your home and possessions. It's giving her massive injections of autonomy and teaching her about things like working and saving. It carries positively into real life.

I don't disagree with others that things like outside time are hugely regulating, but we need many tools in the arsenal for dealing with a condition as challenging as PDA!

I'm sure this sounds so trite but for us things have got less explosive, more predictable over the years. Our son is 17 and is still telling us things that he experienced when he was little but didn't have the words to say then. We have been through some very tough times and 14/15 brought its own substantial challenges, but there has been a real shift away from the unpredictability over the years.

@stealthninjamum The Explosive Child. Good shout.

The idea of doing a course is a good one, it's better for your mental health I think to go somewhere else and get some solidarity than trying to concentrate on books after a solid 14 hours of full-on parenting all by yourself. If you work, it's the sort of thing employers can be happy to accommodate you juggling hours round etc. It's an easier sell than getting time off for therapy.

Honestly, you’ll always get judgmental comments, but loads of parents let their kids use a tablet. My four‑year‑old has one. We think she might have ADHD, but either way, it gives us a bit of breathing space and it gives her some calm time. She’s still a happy, active, chatty little girl just with parents who have a bit more emotional energy left in the tank!

I'd use it. It's not the best thing for him. But your other child and you deserve the break. You cannot pour from an empty cup as the experts say - though mostly without suggestions on how to refill the cup. As pp say my kids have access all the time. I'd have lost my marbles completely without it.

@TheSoapyFrog "It works for us, although I can see it's frowned upon."

I think it's more that it works for some families and is counter-productive for others. I'm glad OP that people are bringing experiences from both sides.

It sounds a pretty desperate situation so no judgement, my question is whether the cure introduces more flashpoints than it averts.

Another regulation thing that helped up when DS was small was squeezing him. I'd put a duvet on the floor and roll him up sideways in it like a swiss roll, quite tight. When he was little I could pick him up like that, squeezed into this rigid cylinder which he absolutely loved. Or put his duvet over him on his bed and lie on top of him! My parenting style ended up very different to how I'd expected. And now he is older it is different again. The only thing I'm sure of is I've got better at it over the years. You are, and will remain, THE expert on your son.

As an alternative to a swing we slung a hammock under a cabin bed, but you need to be mindful of keeping everyone safe and this might not be safe for your DS.

I’m sorry op, pda is a really specific form of autism that most people don’t understand. My child used to appear happy at one point and then suddenly lash out with no obvious cause so I have spent many hours observing her trying to look at what caused an outburst. I was worried that when she was a teen she’d put me in hospital. Fortunately she’s calmed down a lot - after she stopped going to school which is quite a drastic option but my county doesn’t have a specialist school that will take her (we tried to find one!)

I think that iPads can be beneficial but agree that it does need to be managed with no harmful apps and not too long before bed. From my knowledge of pdaers, from courses and support groups, they can change from minute to minute and really enjoy an activity/ support tool and then get bored with it. They often like novelty so I’ve spent hundreds on tools to calm her which work for a week.

The Newbold Hope Facebook group is great for parents struggling with violent children. It’s actually heartbreaking how little support we get and I have had judgemental teachers and social workers.

Ross Greene is also excellent- I forget the name of the really famous book he wrote. The something Child.

The pda society do some excellent courses and have a podcast. One technique they mention is non violent resistance (which is more of a change of your approach) and if you’re lucky you might find a training course on this

There’s also a book on the senses written by an OT. It’s helpful to try to do an audit of any specific sensory issues your child has. Obviously their tolerance can change depending on how school has been but it can just give you a mental checklist of what the problems could be. I’ll message you later when I find the name of the book. In my case I’m aware that dd won’t eat in the kitchen if all the lights are on and there are certain smells that she picks up on and sounds. Her diet changes if she’s under stimulated or over stimulated and sometimes she’ll need a super hot curry and other times a bland cheese toastie

Get an amazon kids tablet. Subscription to amazon kids is £39 a year or £4 a month. You can control what is on there via a parent dashboard including blocking things.

Will give him that sense of control as he can choose what he wants and peace of mind as you know what he is playing or watching.

I won’t go into the debate of tablet or no tablet. My son has one- at most he will go on for around half an hour but his reading has improved and maths too.

My kids, now 18, 15 & 10, all autistic, don't have tablets. It wasn't a thing when my eldest small & when she got older & they became cheap enough to buy, we did try one, but the huge dysregulation that came on immediately post use & for a long time, really put me off. We did try again briefly last year with our then 9 year old & had the same reaction, so we just don't use them. Trampoline in the garden, a peanut ball in the house, a swing outdoors/indoors, all really help here.

This is going to sound trite, but one thing that massively helps my DS is the trampoline. He will throw things, hit, kick, sweep stuff off surfaces…. But if I send him out for a bounce he always comes back far more regulated than if I stick him in front of a screen (I’ve tried both!). I’ve been amazed at how useful it is - plus I can see him, he’s got a net round him, there’s nothing to throw, and it’s healthy.

Also making huge tents out of my sofas cushions / blankets / pegs that was a big hit for a couple of years. As the weight of the sofa cushions etc helped and then it’s a calm space under the blanket to relax. But omg my room it used to drive me slightly bonkers 🤣 no where to sit down but a huge tent in the room 🤣 got to find what floats his boat.

Bubbles and salt dough (another cheap activity) and making dens with sticks in the woods.

Good luck

Do you have a swing in your garden? Or you can buy house ones now.
Trampoline for bouncing
A bubble bath with objects plastic cups etc
Scooter to go fast
Bike to go crazy in the woods etc.

Also, make sure the child always has reachable water to drink. Plus 3 meals and 2 snacks (well my kid is worse if the calories are low) as they don’t ask for a drink or water. Keep on top of those.

With my child it started on Amazon fire - laptop - gaming computer so it just develops.

Although if school is really fuelling his fire and he is struggling that won’t help the situation - things will calm down if the school is flexible and able to meet HIS needs and not the school ones!

Good luck

Does he like stories? If so might an Audible subscription or a toni box or similar be any help?

This.

If you've avoided a tablet up til now well done.

The arguments and tantrums from when you expect him to get off the tablet will just introduce a whole new load of triggers.

Make do with tv for now. Try some new board games (charity shops or vinted). My DS (7) loves and crafts and drawing etc this helps him with regulation.

Good luck x

My nephew is gifted but so addicted with the iPad now, it’s unreal. Only allowed to play with kiddie apps. Throws tantrums galore if you take it away. His parents are out of depth dealing with it. He’s 8 now, exceeding at school at the moment

As a ND mother to ND children, we'd all be lost without our screens. I know people will ask how i coped before screens, and the answer is that, when I was a kid, I read a lot, but I needed particular conditions in which to read, and I have not been able to achieve that as a parent. I'm in my 40s, but I did have a game boy and a SNES, which I'd be hooked on. As an adult, I tended to follow my impulses and get into trouble.
Having a scrolling session means that I can almost quiet down all the racing thoughts, and focus on one thing, which stops the overwhelm, and then I can reset.

My kids have an almost unlimited tablet time when they're at home. It gets switched off at bed time. Because it isn't such a novelty, they don't use their tablets as much as they could. One boy will go out and meet up with his friends, or have a kick about in the back garden, or want to watch a film with me. The other will put his down to play in the garden or with a toy. They know they have access to them if they need them, and I don't take them away as punishment. It works for us, although I can see it's frowned upon.

That sounds really tough.

We have also some success with "hard labour". Moving tree branches that sort of thing.

The other thing have found is water as a circuit breaker. A shower or a bath. We have some times done the bath/shower without DS wanting it but have found that they really help.

The violence is very very distressing.
DS doesn't have autism but PDA and ADHD. We have chosen not to do a smoothing and encouraging rather we have quite strict boundaries and rules for behavior. The change to my mothering has been quite hard for me. It has made for a calmer happier child.