Partner on holiday with a female friend!

@Daisymay1000 I've just read all your replies and apologies if I've missed this, but what would your reaction have been if he told you she was coming in advance? Would you have stopped him from going? Given him an ultimatum?

Her going on holiday with them is ok. Him not telling you she will be joining them is not ok. He didn’t even just not tell you he made up a lie that she might be joining whilst knowing full well she was there, so for that yes he deserves to be dumped

Yes, you're better apart. He misrepresented his holiday as men only and has lied about a woman being there because he knows you have different boundaries to him.
Rather than do the decent thing and stand his ground about the women friend, so you could make an informed choice on whether that was something you would tolerate, and if you were too 'controlling' spilt up with you, he's taken the sneaky cowards way. He's weak, deceitful and not to be trusted.

Absolutely this. Once again on MN, feeling sad for a lot of the women posting on here who clearly think his behaviour was acceptable.

Hmm I don't think lying is ever ok but maybe that's just me.

If I was going on a girls' trip and knew my partner didn't want a specific man there, and I arranged for that man to come anyway (or had knowledge he would be coming) and I hid that and then acted as though he 'randomly' joined midway through the trip, I think that would constitute pretty poor morals on my part. It is a lie of omission.

If I felt my partner was controlling and unreasonable in not wanting the man to come on the holiday, and I really wanted the man to come and saw no issue in him doing so, I would end the relationship. I think lying would just be the beginning of the end, as demonstrated in this post.

Everyone has different boundaries and some people obviously perceive OP's to be unreasonable, but at the end of the day if you cannot respect a person's boundaries you should not be in a relationship with them. It doesn't make it okay to lie imo.

YANBU on the lying front - it was underhand and for that yes your right.

However to imply that friends who are of the opposite sex sharing an apartment with adequate rooms so everyone has their own is impossible/the issue you are being unreasonable on.

I wouldn't have a issue on my DH going on a mixed sex holiday with friends with adequate room numbers but it would be discussed and explained and my DH has done this on activity holidays before.

What about the LYING?! It's one thing going on a men's holiday which then suddenly and magically turns into a mixed holiday, but then it's the cover up. And that he won't let the OP do the same. It's so tedious, double standards in plain sight.

I am unsure why you asked if you were being unreasonable as you obviously feel that you are not.

My OH going away with a mixed sex group would not concern me at all - but the lying about it would. Although I would also be asking myself why he felt the need to lie to me in the first place.

Has OP said that?

Other questions: is there reason to be suspicious? Does the boyfriend have a romantic history with this friend? Is the friend overly flirty with the male friend group?

Lying is a red flag regardless.

They are her mates not just other peoples boyfriends? You’ve said she’s in pictures on a beach in a bikini and out at dinner and partying. It’s not clear what’s so offensive about any of this on a holiday?

he clearly didn’t want to rock the boat when really he needed to make a choice between holidaying with his friend group or his relationship.

luckily you’ve made that choice for him. Not sure why he didn’t think he’d be found out.

you’ve stuck to your boundaries, thats all the matters.

Sometimes people lie when they fear the reaction of a controlling partner. And he didn't say she wasn't coming, he just drip fed it. And given OP's subsequent reaction, and her use of 'allow' regarding going on holiday, there is a decent chance this is the case. We don't know, but lying isn't always about having something to hide.

I think you use the term ‘cool wives’ to try and embarrass and shame those who disagree with you and imply their opinions are male-centric and not their own opinion based on their own experience of life as an adult woman with a mind and the ability to think for herself.

I am not a ‘cool wife’ I just don’t think other women’s vaginas are vortexes that suck unwilling husbands/partners into them. If she doesn’t trust him that’s a separate issue from going on holiday with a female friend.

There's three men and one woman.

If she was going to sleep with one of them, why do you assume it would be your partner? I doubt he's the catch you think he is, frankly.

If he'd gone away with just her, then yes, I can see why you'd be miffed, but a mixed-sex group of people on holiday together is completely different. I wouldn't give a shit if my DP went away in a mixed group, and he wouldn't care if I went away in a mixed group either, because we don't live our lives in weird, sex-segregated compounds like something from a dystopian novel.

Regardless of his intentions, it is quite clear this was an established boundary in their relationship, which the partner chose to ignore and then lie about. I don't personally have any issue with mixed group holidays (I go on them myself often and have been the only woman there before), it's the lying/withholding the truth that is the issue. I agree that they seem mismatched and clearly have differing boundaries.

How old are you? You sound very young. If you were 45 and had 3 teenage kids, this would be all sort of wrong. If you're both 18, then it's more normal.

As others said, it's the lying, not the fact it's a woman. Although, being honest, I wouldn't like it. I don't trust "female friends" as I've just had too many bad experiences and have been left for them in the past.

I’d end it. He’s lied to his partner, he wouldn’t be ok with the reverse situation happening with the op, he’s not relationship material. Just move on.

This will inevitably divide responses into 'Cool Wives' and 'Everyone Else'

He lied about the woman. The two are inseparably.

Noooo just No. He's gaslighting u. He doesn't deserve you

Hang on….. he described it as a ‘boys’ holiday. Which usually is a polite way of saying no partners.

Yeah. But she wasn’t angry that he lied she was angry because a woman was there.

Yes absolutely. If he thinks you’re controlling he should have ended the relationship. Lying about sharing a room with another woman on holiday is not something he’s doing because he’s so scared of your controlling reaction. He’s perfectly capable of giving you a hard time now you’ve found out, so he was obviously capable of doing that before he went if he thought there was nothing wrong with it.

Most women would not be happy with their partner sharing an apartment with another woman who has no boundaries. No matter what the “cool wives” on here say. And they’d be even less happy to discover that their partner had lied about doing so.

My husband goes away with his five female best friends every year. I am never invited because it’s him and his best friends… not him, best friends and all our partners. It would change the vibe if everyone’s wives went when it’s meant to be a mates holiday.

@Daisymay1000I would have waited to dump him when he got home. Now he’s got a free pass.

He only told the truth because he was getting tagged in to social media photos.

Lots of people here missing the point. He lied. End of.

Why wasn’t OP invited? If I had a holiday with a mixed sex group of friends, my partner would be invited.