Partner on holiday with a female friend!

Your last para. It's not utterly bizarre. There are posters on here whose husbands swore they were "just friends" with X woman, and that woman and their former husbands are now married with children. And if you're in a committed relationship, you can't do everything you want like you could if single. You have someone else's feelings to consider.

Personally, I don't get why a woman would go on holiday with three men - doesn't she have any women friends? - but that's just me.

Agree with this.

I can't say I would be happy about my dh going away with some 'pick me' girl. The lying about it makes it completely unacceptable. He has the right to do what he wants with this woman and op has the right to decide if his behaviour aligns with that of someone she would choose as a partner. If he lies the op doesn't have the information required to make an informed choice, which is likely why he didn't tell her. He wants to keep op whilst behaving in a manner that she doesn't agree with.

You have every right to be angry op.

not as much as you think, that's the argument used by abusers everywhere.
It's tragically still happening everywhere.

I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?!

This is also a red flag fyi. He doesn't get to "allow you" on holiday with whoever. You don't get to allow him on holiday with whoever. Neither of you should be lying though.

All of this is so bloody alien to me. The weird opinions around mixed-sex friendships. The idea that anyone would feel that's a thing to object to or lie about. The idea that you'd stay in a relationship with someone who thought they had a say in your social life. Utterly bizarre.

Unless you think all 3 men are having a sexual relationship with this women (which is highly unlikely), then she's part of their friendship group. How long have you been with your partner? Have you met this woman? Have you met the other men going on the holiday?

The issue isn't really with the woman going on the holiday, it's the fact that your partner didn't tell you from the start. He lied, told you he wasn't sure if she was coming or not. You then find out that this woman has been with them all along.

Why did he lie? Probably because he knew you wouldn't be happy with her being there. You need to figure out why you aren't happy with her being there? Do you think your partner is cheating on you with her or perhaps wants too? Have you been negative towards the woman before?

Being uneasy because you suspect something is wrong, is one thing but not if it's simply because she's female. Only you know the reason for your feelings.

Omg, the lying! I couldn't.

The fact that he lied instead of sitting down and talking to you about this issue is a sign of someone who would rather tell lies than communicate, and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship that stands the test of time. He should have had a discussion with you, said that this person was coming and he couldn't very well tell her not to, but neither did he want to miss out on the holiday. So ideally, you both would have talked through your fears and why you feel that way.

But the forethought and the effort put into lying, all to keep you in the dark...awful.

Yeah this.
I have lied, when I had a controlling partner.
To be clear, nothing was untoward, so I didn't see why I should avoid spending time in the presence of other men.
He didn't like me hanging out with other men though, so it was easier to lie.
I strongly disagree with whoever said "if there's nothing going on, there's no need to lie".
There was nothing going on in my case but I lied because my partner was unreasonably controlling.
Yes, I could have left. Should have. Did, in the end.

He lied. Nothing more to really dig into. Deceit isn't needed in a relationship. Especially when it's clearly as calculated as him "soft landing" the additional guest that's already there. YANBU.

No she doesnt sound very nice but your partner could have said no to pictures told her to not kiss his cheek etc. But he didnt. I think they are both dicks.

He’s lied for one reason or another. None of that is a symptom of a healthy and happy relationship. Either, you are controlling and therefore it is best you separate for both of your sakes. Or, he’s a lying bastard and in any case that’s also not a good person to have in your life. So, all in all, I’d say you made the right decision.

Agree with this. The problem is the lying, not the fact that a woman is with a group of friends who all happen to be male.

I’m sorry your partner lied to you, that’s absolutely not on!

It is possible for mixed sex friendship groups to innocently go away together. I’ve done it myself, 6 women and one man. All of us have DH and DW, however we were all open with our other halves about who was going prior to booking, and we made sure the room set up worked - females shared, male had a bedroom and bathroom to himself.

I wouldn’t be happy about the lies if I was in your shoes.

If you can’t tell your partner the truth, it’s a big red flag for the relationship. Lying isn’t the answer to that.

I agree on this though. When he decides that he has to lie the relationship is over either way.

The problem is the lying - that is so disrespectful to OP

I understand your issue is the lying and I don’t think you are wrong to have broken up with him. It’s the level of disrespect for you.

I have a male friend that I have gone on holiday with. He is married. His wife knows he is away with me and I have met her.

It is a holiday around our shared hobby - which his wife does not share.

He has certainly never seen me in a bikini and never will. I would be embarrassed as would he. There are no sunny beaches involved.

He talks about his wife lovingly and with respect and sounds absolutely nothing like your partner at all.

That is the difference.

He didn't just tell one lie he made up a huge story around her presence knowing @Daisymay1000 would find out the other woman was there.

Posters can dispute how the other woman has been described by OP but her suggestion that the woman doesn't respect other people's relationship is clearly an issue. OPs partner deliberately lied knowing the history so her response is entirely on him .
Are the other 2 males on holiday in relationships and if so how are their partners reacting?

So you’d have been upset and wouldn’t have let him stay in the apartment with his friends. Well there you go that’s why he lied.

It's the lying 🤥 Why did he feel the need to lie?

Its not the female friend being part of this holiday that is the main issue,its that your partner lied to you about it and made you feel crazy for understanding that he deceived you...thats gaslighting.

Do you recognise the guys in the photos? Is it actually a “lads” holiday or just him and her?