Partner on holiday with a female friend!

It's not about her being there it's about him knowing you'd be unhappy and hiding it/lying etc.

This isn't about her it's about him not being honest

I agree with you @Daisymay1000 you are not comfortable ntrollibg, you can't trust him and that means you, should not be together. Good luck finding someone with more respect for you.

No it isn't.

I have male friends. My husband has female friends. We both like spending time with our friends independently. I've got shit all desire to tag along with my husband and his mates. We're not two halves of one person, we can enjoy spending time together and enjoy doing our own thing.

Neither of us have self esteem issues, so we don't feel inferior to one anothers friends and nor are we threatened by them.

But we don't hide them from one another either.

Going on holiday with a female friend should be fine.

Lying about it isn’t.

My best friend (male) and I have gone on several holidays together, just the 2 of us but his Mrs knew from the start. She knows me very well too. Not an issue as it wasn’t hidden as there was nothing to hide.

My partner wouldn’t have an issue with it now either, and isn’t worried about my friend staying over at mine occasionally. But not once have either of us ever lied to our respective partners.

I presume this isn't the first time you've given him doubt over other women. While he should never have lied, he probably did to just have a more peaceful life. Woman as part of a group, no issue!

Sounds like you guys are better apart. We all have a line not to cross, being lied to is pretty shitty behaviour so you did right by dumping him.

Mixed friends ok, lies are not. If he felt he had to lie you are not compatible

But are choosing another woman to go on holiday with and not your partner, that's cruel and disrespectful. It's not about hand holding, it's about not making your partner feel like they are inferior to another woman and deliberately giving them cause to worry because it's not a normal thing to do!

@TeamGeriatric do @Daisymay1000 the courtesy of reading her posts.

Is there some back story with this women that you haven't mentioned? I do take issue with him lying about her presence, that is definitely a red flag, but if they were a tight group of friends prior to him dating you, I don't find it odd that she went on the trip. Many years ago, when I was in my early 20s I went to both Marrakech and Dubrovnik with 2 males friends. I had my own room in the hotels and they shared. We were all tight friends from uni, and they were the ones in our friendship group who also had money to travel. It's not something I would do now, having been married 20 years, but at the time definitely didn't feel like a weird thing to do or that I shouldn't be there. Different stages of life and all that I guess.

But you can't not let your female partner come citing it as being as being a lads holiday but then invite another woman! Otherwise why not bring female partners!

@Beavis8 She's rubbing OP's face in it.

OP wrote:

"I don’t get why any girl would want to be alone on a lads holiday and staying in their apartment. Taking pictures with other peoples partners half naked and posting them on her story.".

I think we all get why someone would do that.
😂

Because people by and large are capable of having experiences with their friends without needing their partner there to hold their hand?

Yeh I get what you mean in fairness. The girl sounds like a knob.. I went off the OPs initial post

Yep, sorry for you (and even more so when you double down on it).

I don't extrapolate out my view on life based on mumsnet posts, weirdly. It's hardly an accurate sample, is it? I'm not going to make ten threads posting about my ten normal friends who are men and where nothing happened and we sometimes go to the pub or for a walk.

No, I was referring to this:

"Even down to the other day she posted a quote thing on insta such as girls be hating on me for being friends with their men i ain’t ever claimed to be a girls girl even when he asshole to you that’s still my bro.. "

"I was sent pics from concerned people cos this girl had literally jumped in the ring with him and was all over him getting in the pics.. something I never even did!"

"I looked at her story that night too and she’s posting him constantly and kissing him on the cheek etc. whilst I was lay at home 2 days after miscarriage"

I know someone that went on holiday with her 2 male friends, she was single, one was in a relationship, not sure about the other male. They are part of a long term friendship group of over 20 years so it’s not that odd a situation. It is odd he lied about it though obviously.

You can change your vote by selecting YANBU if you want to.

For me it’s the lies, disrespect (having photos with her which he probably knew would end up
on social media, whilst also knowing that he hadn’t told OP she was going) and the fact that OP said he would hate it if it was the other way round. You’ve done the right thing, OP.

I think its absolutely fine for a female member of their friendship group to be on holiday with them and absolutely do not subscribe to the notion that men can't be in the company of women without there being an ulterior motive.

However, it isn't fine to lie. Lying implies there's something that needs to be secret. And that's either because there is an ulterior motive, or because you've reacted disproportionately in the past. Only you know which of those is the case. But ultimately if you're at the point of lying to your partner about who your friends are to save yourself aggro, you're with the wrong person.

Wwwwell, if they’re just friends, why did he lie?

If he can lie about that, he’s lying about shagging her too.

And before he makes you the problem, no, he didn’t lie about it because he was “scared of your reaction”. He’s just a knob.

Sorry pressed the yabu by mistake. It's not the female friend being the issue so much as the lying. That deserves the dump

A boundary is about what you will do to protect your own wellbeing. It encompasses your actions, not dictating others.

Controlling behaviour is about what you want someone else to do to manage your feelings or outcomes. Such as expecting him not to go or to stay elsewhere to manage your feelings about her.

OP did the right thing - she set her boundary and her action was to break up with him for lying. However if he had told her and she had tried to change his behaviour to make her feel better that would be controlling.

Or he lied because he knows how she reacts

That she posts pics of herself in a bikini?

So i think its unreasonable to be against mixed sex friendships

But Id leave a liar. Because now, what may have been a reasonable friendship is something that will make you feel insecure.

One of my most treasured and dearest friends of 30 years is a man , we don’t even grab a quick coffee without his wife and my husband knowing…it’s not the friendship that’s the problem….its the bullshit from him… you’ve done the right thing….x

I can see why he didn’t mention it!!