I can’t do this anymore, how is any of this remotely enjoyable?

My saving grace when my kids were little was a gym with a creche. A couple of hours to myself on a saturday and sunday that wasnt work. They even opened until 6 I think so would grab a hour here amd there.
I didnt feel guilty, he had fun there and it was how I survived working full time. We would go swimming after in the pool too.
Quite often I didnt even use the gym just sat in the cafe and had a coffee, then went in the sauna.
I highly recommend finding a gym with a creche.

You are not alone OP

I do this at the shops when I can. I will go round and leisurely look at everything just because I can 😂 I have 4 young kids and it feels like I'm always rushed or if they're with me I don't get the chance to properly look in a shop or it's just a bit crap so you can bet I take my sweet time when I get the chance! It's surprisingly therapeutic.

I totally get it @Atghuu. I’m a single parent and work and she never sees ex without me , so no eow that many single parents get

it’s tiring and tbh dd is a good easy child - she’s now 9 but yes it’s hard and feels constant

we do have a lot of play dates and have people /friends round and as get older they go alone and you get a few hours peace

the manic ness of now won’t be forever

3/4 is a tricky age but gets easier 4/5 and at school so hang in there

"even going to work feels like a holiday."
I remember that feeling well! Adult company and conversation, being able to get things done and dusted not just kept on top of, sense of achievement not just being on the relentless treadmill - I was so happy being at work then!

First thing - cut yourself some slack.

Consider Rule 1 of First Aid - the first aider has to attend to their own safety before aiding another. Similarly, the Safety Instructions on an airplane - adults must put their own oxygen mask on before putting the masks on their children. These both spring from the same reality - not taking care of yourself first reduces your usefulness to others. In first aid, rushing to someone's aid before checking the scene could have you electrocuted/gassed as well, giving the next person two people to aid. Putting your children's mask on first could have you passing out from lack of oxygen, leaving your child breathing but panicking and alone.

So, before you attend to your child's needs, you need to ensure there is a functional adult available to attend to your child's needs. That means taking care of yourself FIRST. Only then are you able to turn your attention to your son. It isn't selfish to do so.

Next up, your son's moaning and whining and tantrums. Dear God, it's wearing!

What worked for me was listening to the moan and deciding whether he had a point or not. If he had a point (e.g. his feet actually hurt or he was actually hungry) I'd address that. If he was just moaning through boredom or habit (e.g. I don't want to be here) he got short shrift and basically told to suck it up. Consistency is your friend. Whining for whining's sake never got him anything.

Whining, as in whiny voice - 'I can't hear your words when you speak in that voice, you need to speak in your normal voice'. Consistently.

Endless questions - if the same questions are repeated; answer once, answer twice adding that you've already answered, third time don't answer but say there's no point in asking a question if he doesn't listen to the answer, you've told him the answer twice already. If it's endless different questions; you're asking for asking's sake, I want you to decide what you want to know most and ask only that.

You are doing fantastically well, please believe that. At 3.5, you are in the absolute trenches right now and the sheer relentlessness makes it very hard to keep going. But it will get better, it really will. But in the meantime there are a few things I think you should consider doing for yourself. Remember, you're more use to your son as a well person than as a drained person, so stop any thoughts that looking after yourself is somehow selfish - it really isn't.

You said you "collect him early from nursery wherever possible". Well you can knock that on the head for starters! Instead, go for a coffee, sit at the window and watch the world go by. Or read a book, do a crossword. Or take a walk through the park, sit on a bench and admire the flowers. Treat it as some decompression time for yourself. Picking him up early is not the priority, you are.

Similarly, consider taking a day's holiday now and then for yourself - just for you. Do something that's just for you. Take your son to nursery and pick him up at full time, not early. Do something, do nothing - just prioritise yourself. Remember the Safety Instructions - you need to put your oxygen mask on first. And you need to take care of yourself first.

I find it helpful to remember that DC is the most important thing in my world, but I am their whole world and their safe space - all those big feelings are coming out because DS knows you love him so much no matter what.
I also bought some sand timers and a colourful wall clock and when I need some time to myself (either to get jobs done or just to have a few minutes peace) I use them to help DC understand when I will be available to play again (e.g. when the blue hand gets to the red number 6 or when all the green sand gets to the bottom of the timer).

Does your employer do flexi time/TOIL? When I was single mum I used to take full advantage of the nursery opening and closing hours, accrue a load of extra time at work and get a TOIL day a few times a month, where I'd blast all my cleaning, shopping and admin etc while my son was in nursery. It does get easier though as they get more independent (however, then you might start grappling with their hobbies and activities in the evenings!) I personally LOVED the ages of 4 - 9 are you're nearly there (but nothing ever prepares you for how utterly horrific the teenage years are though)

Not the same situation as you but some similarities in that I felt at breaking point and constantly running on the hamster wheel. I also have no family support, husband away with work a lot and when he’s home is gone before breakfast and back after bedtime. I had to drop one morning of work every week- while the children were in nursery - I would have 3-4 hours ALONE. I would spend it recharging, so naps, walks /jogs, reading, long showers, sipping hot tea and enjoying the silence etc. I made a rule that it could not be spent on the housework grind. It was me time.

It gets easier.

At that age any whining I said " I can't hear you if you speak in a whiny voice, I can only hear happy voices" - that worked.

And I often answered a question or request with Yes / no / they can breathe underwater (etc) AND THAT'S THE END OF IT . I used that consistently and grey rocked any further engagement after ever saying it.

Obviously we had lots of quality time - they need to know that there will be 10 mins of uninterrupted 1-2-1 when you stop work / before the day starts, and the same with story / bed time.

Good luck!

My son was more difficult at 3, than 2. He was older, so tested those boundaries more often. My son is a chatter box (he's now 15, so things are much calmer!) and there were days when I wanted to say 'will you shut up'! Obviously, I never said anything of the sort, but it drove me absolutely bonkers.

You are a single parent, who works full-time and has to do virtually all parenting. That in itself is hard, without having a 3.5 year who moans and whines!

It will get better as your son becomes older. I echo others in that if you have some annual leave. Take a day off for you, but still sending your son to nursery. Do you have grandparents near by, who could help occasionally?.

Stop picking him up from nursery early. He will be none the wiser if you take half an hour to yourself to decompress but it might do you the world of good and make things more tolerable. They do tend to chill out a bit when they start school. Life is still busy but they're easier to reason with and better able to entertain themselves.

OP it sounds like you are doing amazingly. I have 2, and I finish work between 5 and 5.30. Very rarely do I go and get them before 6pm. I need half an hour to myself, sometimes it's the first opportunity I've had to have a shower that day, or to run the hoover round or tidy up the general shitshow that is our house.

Please don't run yourself ragged or feel guilty if he stays at nursery a bit longer some days. Give yourself some time and grace. He is safe, he is having fun, he can cope there for another 60 minutes.

Please stop collecting him early from nursery so you can have a little time for yourself.

Oh I remember this phase OP - it's not great. Couple of useful tips I remember:

Things that helped me (I was alo single parent to young DC):
I never bought DC's "treats" when we were in the shop. I was often in the shops with them and I would never buy sweets/magazines etc - so my DC never asked for these items in the shops. If they had magazine/sweets etc it was seperate from the shops if you know what I mean - so there was no whinging for crap in shops.

Ask one - answer, ask again- answer. Asks thrid time I realy "Asked and answered" - cuts the peskering over and over.

Is he worse when hungery? I had one child who sufferend badly from hanger - keep healthy snacks to hand.

You can absolutely train them out of the whining.

“Sorry I can’t hear you properly because you’re whining. Let’s try again”

Over and over. It works.

Whilst your son is still nursery age take some days off for you, not with him, he still goes to nursery you get to do whatever you like. Once he starts school a lot of your holiday will be taken up covering part of the 13 weeks holidays they are off school so take advantage now of having holidays and days to yourself.

This does not mean you are selfish, it means you are human. Take time for you, that can just be a day of doing nothing, it doesn't need to be productive.

My advice is to keep life very simple and predictable for ds. If they know what is happening (home, tea, bath, story, bed etc) then they are likely to chill out a bit more. At weekends, don’t fill your time with activities and friends-try getting down on the floor and building Duplo/trains-lots of parallel play that is extremely low key. Play in the garden, or at a park-this age don’t need lots of new experiences. It’s fine to be a bit boring, just do things together while trying to destress yourself at the same time.

I was a single mum of two from the age of 1 and 3. I worked FT and commuted to work. Stressful and demanding job and no help. Like you, their dad only saw them a few hours on the Saturday, never overnight. No family help.

All I have to say is hang on. It's tough, very tough, but you'll get through it AND, you'll be proud of yourself one day. Your child will also understand all you did for them

My two are now young adults and are amazing. The pride in knowing that I've managed to raise two amazing people alone makes it all worth it.

Just hang on, take it one day at the time, and tell yourself everyday that you are amazing. Leave the guilt behind. You don't need to be a perfect parent to raise great kids, just need to be dedicated and persistent.

I’d keep annoying asking the ex for overnights until he starts doing it.

This. It’s hard when you’re working but try really hard to cultivate friendships for him. Be honest and say he needs entertaining being an only child and you want to wear him out a bit. Do you invite his nursery friends over, or maybe neighbours with similar aged children, for a couple of hours at weekends then hopefully they will reciprocate.
I got through the early years as a single parents with lots of play dates..

Sorry. OP, it is so hard to - single parent and full time job but I can concur with PP, it does get easier. Just yesterday evening, my DS (8) and I had a bike ride after dinner and then were able to have a chat about life cycles of the wasp (likes to talk about school!). Pre school is a demanding age but it doesn’t last forever. You have two full time jobs. Don’t forget how well you are doing.

You work full time, so you can't have that much time to deal with him?
the CONSTANT questions to the point I can’t even think some mornings. sorry but that's.. normal? It's not great when you need 1 hour with a coffee ALONE before becoming human, but that's having kids?

He's likely tired too, and the reason why he plays out so much.

No advice, but try to remember how BRAVE they are to stand up to adults who are so much bigger and stronger. That's how I tried to deal with the tantrums from mine.
If you were both home all day, you would both have a routine and be more chilled, it's not a blame at all, but he only has you first thing in the morning and late afternoon when he's tired. It's not against you, he's just exhausted too.

I am probably overly hormonal at the moment but just to say how lovely it is to read all these supportive comments.

OP, I second taking a day off to yourself even if it's just enjoying a completely silent house, a bath and a cup of tea.

This was the hardest age for me, things get better when they start school!

OP don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll struggle to find anyone with kids that age, even with two parents at home who isn’t finding it hard.

Try and remind yourself that it’s just a phase, and like all phases when they are little it will pass quickly. It just feels like it’s going on forever at the time.

Do you take enough time together at the weekends just to relax and have some downtime? I remember at that age feeling like being out of the house was easier than staying home, but if he can’t already it won’t be long before he has the attention span for a movie. That’s still my go to weekend afternoon when I think the kids need some downtime (and if I have a little nap on the sofa whilst we’re watching it that’s no bad thing either). Don’t feel the need to be doing stuff all the time.