AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much? **Content Warning - mention of suicide**

@TraitorsSandwich
Kindly, I did everything because dh had a big job. However, he happily paid for a cleaner and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting me to paint the fucking fence. A man did that.

DH did the bins, the outdoor paintwork and the bills/admin.

DH worked all hours and I did a lot. He didn't take the piss and never questioned one penny of spending. We are equally tight though.

I was a SAHM for nearly 10 years and during that time my husband didn’t dictate to me even once about how I should spend my time nor did he ever complain if things at home didn’t get done. I did what I could and when he got home from work and at the weekend we pitched in together, and we both got child free time if we wanted it. Yes I did the bulk of the home and child related stuff, especially when the kids were at school as I had a lot more free time, but we worked as a team on the whole. And he certainly didn’t bugger off for most of the weekend either, when does this pathetic excuse for a father actually spend time with his kid?

What does he think happens in couples where both parents work a decent number of hours? (Which is the case for 95% of all people I know with small children) Genuinely, why does he think he is so insanely busy that he can't manage that when the vast majority of other parents do?

What does ‘doing the finances’ actually involve? Other than sorting out mortgage renewal?

What is the actual point of him anyway? Sounds like he’s never home and never sees his child.

He’s a lazy selfish prick.

Bin him off and definitely don’t have more children with him.

Or if you’re feeling more charitable, give him a week in charge of absolutely everything. Every job you do, he does.

Leave him a full list or he’ll conveniently ‘forget’ most jobs.

You go out every day then waltz back in expecting your dinner and slippers like a 50s husband.

Then bin him.

When does your DH see his son if he leaves for work before he wakes up and returns after he's in bed and then spends most of the weekend on his hobby?

Does he even have a relationship with your baby?

Go back to work
unless he’s putting money aside for you in a pension which I doubt
plus when does he actually see his child cos I think it’s never or very very little.

He can’t know how hard all that is unless he does it himself, some people are like that. I would go away for a weekend and leave him to it, see what he thinks when you get back. I did this and it worked a treat!

I was always in charge of the household finances.

in the early days, I used to put a pound coin in hubbys lunchbox daily, three on Friday as that’s all we had.

As things got easier, all monies were still paid into the current account and direct debited/standing ordered, and we used to get £50 each every Friday in our personal accounts for unaccountable activities with friends etc.

Fruends of mine tell me their husbands would not go to work with lunch and one whole pound coin - but that’s all we had. Will your husband be happy like that?

Has he ever had to spend a couple of entire days looking after your son? I mean completely (you away for the weekend for example)? I'd recommend you make that happen ASAP. Not as punishment, but so that he can truly understand what a full day with an 18 month old is like. It will get you on the same page re expectations. E.g the ridiculous fence painting suggestion! Or tell him that yes you can paint the fence and do finance analysis at the weekend if he looks after your child, to enable you to complete those tasks?

I do admit that when I was a sahm I did everything that you do plus the finances and minus painting the fence (wtf?). The difference is my dh didn’t Expect it, ever.

Go back to work - this will only get worse

Yep he needs to be cutting back on his hobby if he can't keep up with his husbandly responsibilities. But honestly? He sounds like a dick and I would be rapidly losing interest in him if I were you.

When does he see your child? Sounds like never. I see my friend's kids more than this.

Also what time do you have for hobbies OP? It sounds like your DHs life hasn’t changed at all since having a child.

Honestly what does he bring to your life? He treats you like his personal staff and never sees his child?

You’re doing your fair share already, sounds like need to get someone in to paint the fences etc if he’s not got the energy left to do it, get your car washed at the car wash. Fair enough you taking over the household finances. I do it on phone while getting toddler to sleep

You should leave him with your 18mo for a weekend and see how much spare time he has to do all these extra things.

Does long hours in a stressful job equate to being well paid? If so get a cleaner 😂

Painting a fence with an 18mo sounds very difficult (and unsafe) unless you do it during nap times only and it takes weeks.

He's treating you as free labour rather than a mother and wife.

He spends lots of his weekend at a hobby as well? When does he even see his child? Do you ever get similar time to do things just for you? What does he do then?

He needs a does of reality

Doing his hobby doesn’t count. House and family priorities come before a hobby

my Dh works 12 hour days 5 days a week and still does all the cooking and activity runs for the kids (on the days he’s not working) and he does the bins and bits around the house

Another fucking Prince of a man.

Honestly? He’s an entitled prick with no understanding of what you actually do. I would explain how things need to change to make it fairer on you or go back to work

The thing that always gets forgotten is your DH has a job that stops when he comes home and has holidays and weekends. Whereas a SAHP does not get anytime off.

Get him to take 5 days annual leave, during which you are out of the house all day. Ensure he does everything you are expected to do. Ask him how he found it.

or go back to work. If you don’t and he leaves you, then you have no pension built up, no personal savings.
both work full time. Share everything 50%.