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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to stop apologising and not push contact with my aunt?

37 replies

LivelyOchreQuail · 01/06/2026 17:52

So here goes…

I come from a very chaotic (and often dysfunctional and unstable) family. Lots of falling outs, family not speaking for years etc, etc.

16 years ago my cousin had a baby and my aunt (then not speaking with my cousin) suggested I (18 and incredibly shy at the time) should take my mentally and emotionally unstable nan (barely speaking to my cousin at the time) to see my cousin (also unstable) and her new baby. Having not been involved in any falling out previously and completely daunted at the prospect of being peacemaker in such a situation, I politely declined.

I then (pressured by aforementioned cousin) wrote to my aunt to highlight the gift of the new baby in our family and to politely suggest she go and see her. My aunt did so and they all now have a wonderful, close relationship.
I genuinely only wrote the note to try to be helpful, and never ever intended to upset or offend anyone.

Through other family members I have learned of my aunts great offence at my actions (writing to her) and I have been almost ostracised for the last 16 years. On the odd occasions I have seen her since, I spent much of the time apologising for upsetting her.

My mum remains close with my aunt and I feel I am blamed for destroying a once harmonious and close relationship between her and myself. I have apologised on a number of occasions and my husband and I have offered many olive branches (most notably at our wedding, which she did attend at the request of my parents), but to no avail.

I now have a baby of my own and my parents are suggesting I “bite the bullet” and apologise to get her to see my baby (which my parents would love).

Under duress, I invited my aunt to my baby’s christening, which she did not attend.

I am now being pressured to “be the bigger person” and let her meet my baby. For many reasons, my husband and I do not feel comfortable to do this.

  1. I don’t feel I actually did too much wrong, yet thus far it has been deemed unforgivable.
  2. this situation always causes much family upset, not least for myself and I do not want my baby around that.
  3. I feel that if my aunt wanted to see my baby, she would have. She was invited to the christening and declined, she sent a gift when I first gave birth and declined my call when I rang to thank her. I then wrote and thank you card instead*

I cannot spend my life sitting and waiting for the off chance she might want to reconnect with me. I feel constantly blamed for this situation and it has caused me a lot of guilt.

If I’m honest, I’m hurt that nobody (least of all my parents) has ever defended me in this situation and just try to pressure me to do what they want (show her my baby basically).

I do not wish for my baby to be around any angst or animosity.

Please help me rationalise this. Am I a terrible person?

OP posts:
Original poster
LivelyOchreQuail · 01/06/2026 20:00

Thank you SO much to everyone for your comments. It has been so incredibly validating to see this from another perspective and I’m really grateful for your support. 🙏✨🙌

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 01/06/2026 18:29

No, you're not a terrible person. What you appear to be though is the family Scapegoat, a common occurrence in some types of dysfunctional families.
I'm at a loss to understand why at 18 you were deemed to be the most appropriate person to act as peacemaker between your aunt and cousin when you were shy with little life experience to fall back on. The cynic in me feels you were deliberately set up to fail. I don't feel you did fail, however. Your note achieved the desired result. It's difficult to understand why your aunt is so offended by your means of communication, (your note), other than she's looking for something to be offended about.
I don't feel it's incumbent on you to be "the bigger person" when you've already offered olive branches and repeatedly apologised. I do think you need to stop apologising and put strong boundaries in place. Some families thrive on this type of chaotic drama and you're right not to subject your baby to any of this.

EscapeTheCastle · 01/06/2026 18:29

Look to the future OP. You, your husband and your baby are the next generations so concentrate on that.
You did nothing wrong, you apologised anyway and she has cut you out for 16 years? What the absolute heck?

Everyone here is going to say the same thing. No to the aunt and no to the pressure to "see the baby" what ever that means!
What does actually want when she declined the christening and a phone call from you recently already?

To see it from across a park/ when you're not there? Maybe she wants a red carpet rolled out and an event centered around her?

You can leave that sad sack aunt behind now. What an absolute loser she is. Don't look back OP.
Meanwhile you could keep the drama low key in the sense you don't say any of the above to your parents or to this loser aunt, instead just be too busy/ distracted to talk about it or to arrange this gold plated millionth apology and the royal visitation!

DelphiniumBlue · 01/06/2026 18:13

They are all nuts, you've gone above and beyond to repair the rift ( which was not of your making) and nothing you do would make a difference anyway - they clearly thrive on drama and unpleasantness. If your apology was accepted, there would very soon be an issue with something else anyway.
Move on, live in peace with your baby.
Your parents should have defended you.

Whatnow89 · 01/06/2026 18:12

You did nothing wrong OP, especially to be ostracised for 16 years. Absolutely mad! I’d be tempted to send another letter to the aunt saying you didn’t mean to upset her initially and you have apologised and offered olive branches for 16 years so now she can piss off and carry on sulking for another 16 years. They’ll all LOVE the drama of that letter! And it would make me feel better too 😅. I wouldn’t have pandered to it for 16 years. Start sending the gifts back to her for a true snub.

WoollyandSarah · 01/06/2026 18:07

She's upset at your part in healing a rift that has allowed her to have a relationship with her DD and DGC. That's bonkers. She sounds like she's enjoying being offended and having you do lots of running to try to mend a relationship that she broke. She's not going to change, so you might as well leave it now.

WarmHam · 01/06/2026 18:06

Sorry...what exactly did you do wrong, OP? Buggered if I can see anything.

Hangingcrystal · 01/06/2026 18:06

WTF have i read?
Your family are mad and your parents a disgrace.

Step away from them all, including your parents. Limit contact.

They are toxic. Don't have your baby around that.
This is batshit stuff.

Never go near the aunt again.

Mix56 · 01/06/2026 18:06

Ditto

Devilsmommy · 01/06/2026 18:02

Wow, if just be so glad not to have to see her tbh. You've apologised profusely and invited her to occasions and she's still acting like a twat. So no, you shouldn't do anything else at all to get her to see the baby. She sounds like she needs to grow the fuck up

Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 · 01/06/2026 17:57

I'd feel relieved I had good reason not to deal with batshit relative..

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 01/06/2026 17:57

Good god, far far too much drama! So much entitlement, expectation, huffing and puffing! You focus on your baby and your family, and let the highly dysfunctional wider family amuse each other with their drama (which they obviously must get something out of). I would distance myself from all of them, if I were you!