AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

is she?

Friend: oh did they like the vase/ frame rubbish tat that no one needs
MIL: what vase? or what gift?

Unnecessary to be so awkward and unkind.

In normal conversation, it's more a "look at the vase your friend sent us, how lovely"

It's really not that deep

It isn’t her business and is very nosy of her.

Are there any cultural factors at play? I'm not being nosy just that my ex-MIL (South Asian) stayed up all night, opened ALL our gifts on our wedding night, made a list and gave me a copy so I could write thank you notes. She apparently needed to know to make sure she was giving gifts of commensurate value to her friends' kids when they got married. Needless to say, I was horrified, also because she didn't even ask/tell me she was going to be doing this. But I've been told not unusual given the cultural context. I wouldn't share the gift list if I were you.

Prefect. She's behaving very oddly to ask for such details.

“Sorry MIL, I deleted the list off my phone after writing the thank you cards.” And leave it at that. If she asks again, let your DH deal with it.

Alternatively give a vague list eg “a mixture of cash, vouchers and some lovely photo frames - I can’t remember exactly who gave which present as I didn’t keep the list, but they were all much appreciated and we have already sent thank you notes. Your friends are so kind.”

She doesn’t need to know I agree, but also can’t see the harm in her knowing, especially as you think she won’t do anything with the info.

If I were your friend, I wouldn’t like it if that list with my name on it was given to your MIL.

Can you not just give her a non specific list.

Ethel- jug
Jo and John -photo frame
Bill- vase

Personally I would probably like to thank my friends in passing for named gift irrespective of their value.

I would ask my own kids I think. I don't really care if I am being "too generous', because I am not embarrassingly extravagant, but I would like to check I am being generous enough at weddings.

Everybody does the same, you more or less match the presents from birthday parties when they are kids.

There's nothing "mean" about the question, just curious what the average is.

If it's a physical item, then it's very awkward if you know nothing about it in front of your close friends, make it sounds like the gift was really not liked.

Is it cultural at all?

Needing to make sure she at least gives back what they have given you come their children’s wedding?

Otherwise she can keep her nosey nose out.

She’s probably just curious and wants to know what things her friends picked out for you.

If it was your own mum she’d probably just informally ask you while chatting and you’d tell her without issue. The weirdness comes in because she probably knows her son wouldn’t be able to tell her / wouldn't understand her desire to know and therefore she’s reduced to asking you for the list.

This came up at work one day. I had never heard if it but it was a big thing for a group of my work mates and they had a shared culture (that I don’t want to name) where cash gifts are common. It was important to keep things even or comparable. So with that in mind I would share. Plus your MIL sounds lovely and if you don’t share the list it could create a thing that could otherwise be avoided.

To me it’s weird but not worth damaging relationships over.

to add: if it's something else than cash, then it's absolutely a normal question.

When Ds and Dil married they were living in a part furnished rental, but in the process of buying. Most people gave them money so they would be able to buy new furnishings when they moved into their own property. Apart from telling us that some family and friends ( without naming them) had been particularly generous, I have no idea who gave what. It's not my business and as long as everyone was thanked properly, it's nobody else's business either.

She should ask her son, not you,

It's not unusual, sometimes it's just meant kindly, to make sure people give enough when they are guests themselves

There's nothing strange in discussing gifts you received with your family. Not everyone has to be bitchy about it.

I can so see my late mil asking this!
I'd tell her no and say its on polite to ask

I think I would want to have a conversation with her about why she wants to know. Things I can think of include:

• Perhaps she thinks it will be awkward when she's next chatting to her friend Sheila, who then mentions that she hopes you liked their gift, and she then has to say that she doesn't know what the gift was?
• Maybe she wants to also send a thank you, since they're her friends, and somehow feels she ought to send a note as well?
• Maybe, as a PP said, she wants to make sure she is reciprocating of equal value when their children marry
• Maybe she's just nosy/controlling

I agree with the response that you feel it is not your information to share and she should ask the friends directly if she wants to know. However, I would give DH the part of the list for his family and friends and tell him to do what he wants with it, including sharing it with his mum if he wants. Tell him your family will be getting thoughtful thank you cards arranged by you but it is not your job to sort out his family. Start as you mean to go on.

I f she asked what Ethel gave you it would probably feel ok so perhaps the list is ok too. Feels odd to ask though.

I'd lose the list

Well, she might not publicly use the information but she is definitely going to use it in some way or why else would she want it? I wouldn't facilitate that.

If you haven't already sent your thank you cards, stall her and say you have misplaced the list. Send the cards and then say nothing. If she asks again after the cards have been sent just say you forgot she wanted it and threw it away.

The only reason I can think of her wanting that information is so that she can price up the gifts they gave and measure anything she gives to them or their children in future against what they spent. Maybe that would be fair but I feel there is something unpleasant about it.

"Oh, MIL, You really don't need to worry. I've written thank-you cards for everyone kind enough to buy us gifts that we didn't ask for or want and I'll pop to the post office with them this week."

End.

If she carries on about it, then you need to ask her directly why she needs to know?
Then wait for a "well thought-out and reasonable batshit argument" reply from her...
Then say it's been dealt with. Don't engage further.

As a 3rd party it's not really any of her business...

Imagine what she'll be like when you have a baby shower? 😨

You should send the list. My MIL is a very sweet woman with friends she loves dearly. I love this woman like a second mother. She is thoughtful and considerate of the people in her life.

When she asked for the list of what her friends gave, it was because she wanted to be sure to reciprocate with at least that amount for their children.

Her friends gave generously to us when they did not even get invited to our very small wedding of less than 30 people. The very least I could do was give her a list of what they sent so she could reciprocate.

Ask her why she needs to know this information. She won’t have a reasonable answer.

I don’t know, if these are friends of MIL’s and were only invited because of MIL, as opposed to really truly knowing and caring for the married couple, I’d just give her the list. A lot of these family and friends invitations from parents’ side are usually some sort of obligation. And the guests fully expect MIL to know what the gifts were.
Yes, rude, but some of these social interactions can be a bit weird at keeping scores.
If these are you personal close friends or family, then obviously don’t give her the details.