AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think y ou're being a bit precious about this. If you did have a registry, and all your gifts then turned up at your house, it would be totally normal for family to be around when you open it or around the time and to say things like "oh my word, I can't believe Great Aunt Mary bought us that gorgous vase" or whatever.

The cash is maybe slightly less clearcut although I distinctly remember taking to PIL and my parents about a few cash gifts we got, in particular one insanely generous one that I just hadn't seen coming at all and was a bit floored by from DH's aunt and uncle.

I mean, sharing with your immediate family is not like taking out an advert in a newspaper or posting the list of gifts with prices on facebook.

I wonder if someone hasn't been thanked and she wants to check they are on your list as having sent something?

If they're friends of hers I'd assume she also wants to thank them because although the gift is to you, really the gift is because of their friendship. Maybe your MIL is rather more judgemental and that's why it makes you uncomfortable, but I wouldn't think anything of this with my Mum and know that she'd just thank them as well when she saw them in person. I would also have thought her friends would expect her to know what they'd given.

This

My mum and MiL wanted to know so that they could have an idea of how much to reciprocate for / how much was reciprocated after their own children’s weddings and also just curiosity.

There’s no way I’d be sending a detailed list to her, or any list at all to be honest, she can take her weird request to her friends if she’s so determined to be rude and crass. Not that I’d say that to her of course, a straightforward ‘oh no, we won’t be sending the list, we don’t feel comfortable doing that’ from your husband will suffice. It’s absolutely none of her business, the odd woman.

eta a good alternative would be, as has been suggested already, to give vague answers. ‘Joan gave cash, Susan gave a toaster’ etc. easier to do if you’re sending an abridged version of the list, as it’ll just be for her friends.

Left to his own devices, your husband WILL give her the list, just to appease her, and stop the asking. Guard that list!!!

When she meets Sue for coffee to chat about what a lovely wedding it was, she probably wants to be able to say: oh they loved the vase you got them. You're so thoughtful Sue.

Weird Evil Bitch.

Why does everyone think lying is the best option in so many MN threads?

It's far worse to lie to someone's face than it is to ask what people gave you.

Asking and sharing this info was common 50+ yrs ago.
Ultimately to gauge your future gift given limits and ideas.

Why is it a secret what people gave you as a wedding present?

When you send thank you notes surely you say: thank you for the john Lewis gift card it was so thoughtful of you, we're going to put it towards new cutlery, or something.

You don't say: thank you for giving us £75.

So just let your MIL know the generals:

Dave and Sue gave us vouchers for argos.
Aunty Brenda gave us a picture of a horse.

Why would you think you need to tell her the value of the gifts?

You seem obsessed with the monetary value. She seems more interested in the thoughtful of her friends.

She is very entitled to ask for the list.

We had a similar list as a note in our phones. It would be easy enough to say you deleted it by mistake.

No, don’t send her the list.
Ask her: why do you need to know? It’s ok. We are happy with our presents.
and then shut the conversation. Give her the opportunity to learn and grow 😉 otherwise you will be sending her bloody lists after every occasion. Change the pattern.

Agree with posters saying to keep it vague and not mention the value of the cash / voucher / gift. And then 'throw' the list away

Surely the privacy of the gift giver is important here though? What if Flo was skint that week and only gave you a tenner? Would it be fair for mil to call her out on being tight?

I don’t think you should mention cash / value at all. She’d only start wondering and pestering you to know who was so mean / generous. How much people decided to spend on your gift is no-one else's business.

Nothing good can come of this. You and DH have sent the thank you notes and lost the list. If your guests want her to know they will tell her.

Your DH needs to deal with this not you.

I think it would be reasonable to give her a list saying "Jean and Fred - toaster. Auntie Mary and Uncle Jim - cash" etc., since she's so interested. But it would be totally unreasonable, and very rude to the gift-givers, to say "Jean and Fred - Russell Hobbs toaster model 43XB. Auntie Mary and Uncle Jim - £75."

PS - I don't think those saying "Just tell her you've lost the list now that you've written the thank you cards" are being particularly careful. If you MIL cares about who has given you what she'd probably find that quite shocking and ungrateful. Fifteen years after my wedding I could still tell you what most of our guests gave us a wedding gift, and I think of them when I use certain things especially those that are reserved for special occasions.

Can you just say that you don’t want to give cash or monetary amounts as that seems a bit vulgar but Joan got you some lovely silver spoons and Betty a pretty vase but you’re writing anyway to thank them.

I think if she’s a nice person she wants to be able to say “Grapevine was so pleased with her lampshade, thank you so much for thinking of something so thoughtful”.

I'd keep being very wishy washy

"oh we got some lovely gifts, not sure who exactly sent what off the top of my head. I'm not as into presents as you are, we're just really grateful for everything" type responses and go ahead with thank you cards privately.

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I don't think it's unusual for parents to want to know what has been gifted to a couple getting married. I got married ten years ago and spoke to my parents and in-laws about what their friends and others had gifted (although if was cash or vouchers I wouldn't have given the amount). I'm old enough to remember when before the wedding the bride's mother would invite female friends and family over for a show of the presents. They'd all be set out with little cards that said who had given what. That was common until the 1980s (although google suggests it may have been a Scottish thing) so it's possible that your MIL did something similar when she was a bride and thinks it's unusual to keep the gifts secret?

She may have some misplaced obligation to say thanks on your behalf or worry that you wont do it “properly”…(my MiL worries about this).

“Hi MIL, re: your enquiry about the gift list, I have sent all our thank you’s and have now misplaced my list in the post-wedding admin madness! But from
memory, we got some lovely homeware and a number vouchers and cash gifts, all of which will be put to good use”