AIBU not to share wedding gift details with my MIL?

A wedding is not a public event. That's a load of bullshit. That's why there's, you know, invitations.

It's extremely intrusive to think anyone other than the bride and groom are entitled to know what other people gave them. It's no one else's business

Wow. If my son got married I’d absolutely want to know what he and my DIL were given! I wouldn’t think that’s odd at all! In fact when I got married to told my parents and PIL what their friends gave us because… it was nice for them to know? Although if it was a gift of money I probably just said “David gave us money” and not specified the amount.

Im struggling to see why this is odd. If my teen goes out with friends for his birthday I’d ask him what they gave him. I’m not sure at what age that would stop being interesting to me? If ever? I don’t make a note of who was generous (or not), I’m just interested!

A wedding is essentially a public event

Of course it’s not indicative controlling and intrusive behaviour! Why are you trying to be divisive? OP described her as a kind woman.

I really do feel for all these women who are MILs. They’re absolutely demonised!

No, THAT would be very rude.

I honestly dont get all the angst. They gave you a gift. Your mother in law is interested and, by your own admission is not something bitchy type. Just tell her. "Oh gosh, everyone was so generous from uncle granks' £20 to Jill's surprising £200. Your friends are so lovely."

Could you not just say Bill and Sue gave a cash gift, Mary kindly sent a John Lewis voucher etc no need to include the amount in £s.

I agree!

It’s pretty common, but if OP and her DH feel the same way as you, they can always return them.

It is not unusual to share what you were gifted for your wedding. In my day there used to be a "show of presents" where all the presents would be on display, usually in the brides mums home, with name tags of who gifted and a small buffet/drink.

As a teen I always thought it was good to see and get an idea of what types of gifts were given for wedding presents for when I starting giving gifts myself - but it felt people were less judgemental/material back then (or if they were I missed it!) and the gift were very focussed on basics for the couple setting up home - glassware/towels/ironing board etc.

I would do this too. Just send her The List... of names only.

Yes, you could just be honest. 'Don't family differences show up in the funniest of places! I couldn't do that...'

Is this a cultural thing? Have you married into an Asian family where this would be the norm.

My extremely grasping sister-in-law was heard boasting about who had given what after the wedding. I took a dim view of her before that, but that was one of the nails in the coffin. Tacky beyond belief. It’s immensely flattering if people go to the effort to help you celebrate your nuptials, and if they give you a gift as well, you should be grateful.

Oh, sorry MIL, I’ve already written the thank you cards, and therefore binned the list.

mum sure So and So will happily tell you what they gifted us. Sorry I don’t recall the details now.

It feels like a comparison/how much it is all worth kind of digging. Not any of her business!

This is very weird and crass.
Could you give her a broad list of gifts/cash/gift cards without amounts?
It would surely put her off from saying how much exactly did Polly and Percy give ?
Add that you have sent thank you notes to everyone.

Oh, my MIL was like this too. It’s a status thing and they like to keep tabs. I refused to play along as it was none of her business. She tried to claim it was embarrassing not to know as then she couldn’t say anything to her friends and family. But if we were thanking them personally, why the fuck did she feel she needed to. She also wanted to be there when we opened our gifts. Another hard no, but I might have facilitated her if she’d ever made an effort to build a relationship instead of being awful bitch the entire time I’ve known her.

My Mum and Dad did this, then they phoned every one up to thank them for the gift. On the surface a nice idea, but we had sent thank you letters to everyone so absolutely not necessary and made me feel very small. My parents have always been ‘over thankers’ and quite embarrassing. I have no doubt they also gauged against presents they had already given or would be making in future

I wouldn't. It's not her business.
Would she be so bold to approach your husband for the info, if you deny her?

You could just tell her the truth that

in my family i was raised to be modest about gifts and to maintain confidentiality. I was taught not to brag about amounts for fear of shaming people against others. I respect your lovely family and friends and I dont want it written down anywhere that perhaps one person gave £100 and another gave £50. I hope thats ok with you but you are welcome to ask them yourself as then i wont be breaking any trust

Could it be that she wants to make sure she matches the effort / cost if attending the wedding of said friends offspring?

So then tell your DH to tell her! This really isn't complicated or difficult to navigate.

I think you’re right to stand your ground. I would feel very uncomfortable with this.

Also it’s not really up to DH because he didn’t make the list.

I’d say ‘Sorry MIL, I checked on the internet and it’s considered very bad etiquette to share the monetary value of wedding gifts. So if you need to know for a particular reason you’ll have to ask the individuals & then it’s up to them if they want to tell you.’

Then change the subject. If she brings it up again ‘MIL, I’ve already said it would be inappropriate, so no.’

It's rude of her to ask, and it would be rude of you to tell her, in these circumstances. It's not as if something has come up in conversation where you can say 'oh so and so bought us one of those as a wedding gift'. It is like avaricious gossiping about what people spent.

“I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to share that info, your friends will tell you if they want to”.

My view is that this stuff is deeply and individually cultural and people who know MIL will know the score. I wouldn't interfere with it personally if that's how she does things. The way other people view gifts is always weird! I wouldn't give her the info myself though; I would let DH do it.

I think this is nosey, tacky and vulgar.
She is completely over stepping.

Tell her not to worry, all cards have been dealt with.

This is a bit of a red flag.
It's really none of her business and so rude to ask.