Aibu to tell my 18 year old to stop ranting at me?

I think there has to be a middle way between shutting her down as some suggest and letting her rant unchecked.
It’s a conversation, it’s explaining that a long monologue is not a conversation so may be best not to do this with other people and to pause and let others listen.

I have an elderly male family member who is very passionate about the state of the country and his tendency to ranting monologues mean people have to gird themselves to spend time with him - he’s aware he’s always struggled socially and it’s a real shame I think that he was never taught and has clearly never realised that listening to others is as important as trying to entertain others with your views and stories.

No one is suggesting that the OP never listens to her DD vent. We are suggesting healthy boundaries around when, where and how much, and supporting her to learn age appropriate ways of having those conversations.

At around 4-5 years old, little children have a development leap where they realise that other people have perspectives too. That other people have feelings and can see things they can't see. Your parents may have done a poor job that's led you to feel 100% rejected when they say "no more" but as an adult you should be able to identify when your mum is simply overstimulated/at capacity, not because she doesn't care, but because she is a human being with a brain that has limits, just like yours.

I might ring my BFF after work and ask "can I rant about today?" And often she will say yes. But sometimes she will say "I'm busy right now, catch you another time". And vice versa. It's not always on demand or never ever you're rejected.... That's the basis of an adult reciprocal relationship.

Sounds like she would fit it will in the House of Commons. Direct her in to a career in politics. She can rant at like minded people who will also be ranting and interrupting her.

She needs to learn some social skills, people don’t like to listen to rants.
You are not her verbal punching bag either.
Maybe she should get active rather than just ranting? Or go and live in another country, then she will see that everywhere has its problems and it’s actually quite good here.

A mother is not a verbal punching bag.

Exactly. At some point, young adult children need to recognise that their parents' feelings are just as valid as their own.

I've got to the the point where I ask my 18 year old daughter if she wants my opinion or just space to vent/rant. Seems to be helping us both!

Politicians do not have an audience of one. A mother is not a verbal punching bag.

Leave the room or have other consequences or set an amount of time per week you will engage?

Make it a condition of her being able to live in your home that she goes out X number of hours a week to voluntary community work in line with her interests, and/or engages in family counselling.

Sounding off at a loved one is abusive. Teamwork out in the real world would be proof of her passion.

Sensitive and passionate should not be code for obnoxious she is being rude there is no excuse and I would be telling her

I don't blame them, they had their own reasons for reacting as they did and were doing their best, but ultimately acting out of self preservation rather than helping me develop emotional intelligence. And their reactions had the consequence that once I left home I never really shared my emotional life with them again. Of course I learnt to communicate better over time, but I don't understand why people expect teenagers to have all the skills for communication and impulse control that many much older adults still lack.

Yes, it made me think my feelings were unacceptable because no one communicated to me that the feelings were fine but I needed to work on the delivery. As an adult I can see that's obvious now, but as a teenager it's not that clear.

I hate that ranting as opposed to intelligent debate, it doesn't help when all our politicians go on like that in Parliament.

I would disengage from the conversation, get up and leave the room. When I used to work for DWP when claimants started ranting like that I talked quieter and quieter, the louder they got the quieter I was as it forces them to engage their ears and adds an element of lip reading.

I'm not suggesting anyone accept abusive behaviour from anyone. The OP's daughter has clearly articulated that she needs to vent her frustrations with the world and I'm just sympathising a bit with her, having been that sensitive and passionate somewhat ranty teenager myself back in the day. I think framing it as 'tantrum' (especially since the OP acknowledges it has a release function just like a toddler tantrums) rather than expecting 'fully functioning adult' behaviour from her teenager might help the OP tolerate it a bit better, since it's clearly valuable for the daughter. That of course doesn't mean she can't also put boundaries around when and where and for how long ranting is acceptable but I think making space for her feelings could preserve the openness they clearly have in their relationship. Imo it's great that her daughter brings all that passion and energy to her instead of bottling it up. My dad now wonders why we're not close, but I remember all the times he walked away when I wanted to share something that was upsetting me, forcing me to deal with it by myself.

There's a reason why politics, money and religion should not be topics of conversation in polite company :)

Tell her it's unacceptable for her to rant at you or anybody. If she's not able to keep her cool while discussing politics, she should be working on that, not expecting you to just bear the brunt of it because everyone else is likely fed up with her.

My brother is still like this at 45 so I divert the conversation if he starts on about politics. My poor 70 year old Mother just ends up being dragged down by it because she never put in the boundaries and he's a frustrated middle aged man who wants to display his intelligence at someone

Nip it in the bud now.

100% that @SillyQuail . I can't believe that you're blaming your parents for not putting up with your rants. Of course your mother took your anger personally. Of course your father would leave the room. That is natural when faced with an angry ranting young adult 'child'.

No parent should have to put up with this from a young adult. Coping with a two year old's tantrum is entirely different. A young adult is capable of controlling their communication for their audience. You choose not to.

This is absolutely brilliant.

That's how you handle it 👏

I feel you, it's so tiresome. We have a rule when on holiday with family which we are now including DS14 in, because he's started to rant as well - after 5pm or after any alcohol, we're not allowed to talk about CATNIP. Not because we will disagree but because we all have approximately similar views, and it's boring to hear people ranting at each other.

Climate change
AI & the economy (when my parents are around, the A also stands for ageing so they're not allowed to bore us all with the organ recital)
Trump
Netanyahu
Israel
Palestine

So now when DS starts off on his rants we all shout CATNIP!!

We also tell DS repeatedly that conversation should be a tennis match, not a lecture - so there's a lot of "I can't respond unless you ask me a question and actually listen to my answer" kind of thing.

Lol. Your Reformy chip on your shoulder must weigh you down so much!

Fyi both left and right wing people can be complete irritating bores if they are of a ranting inclination. Add youthful zeal into it and it’s unbearable!

She is too much. How has she not learned to express her feelings in a socially appropriate manner at the age of 18, a legal adult? Thing is she is not 3, she is an adult. If she has such perturbing feelings, she should pay for counselling. Why should OP be her punch bag? At 18 we have a reasonable expectation for people to not behave in anti social ways. If Op's dd ha snot learned to speak with consideration at her age, something has gone wrong. I get it if people with ASD do this, as they literally cannot easily help themselves. But not a NT person, which Op insist her dd is. I would not accept this but tell her she needs to learn to convey her thoughts in a respectful and articulate manner or keep her thoughts to herself.

As someone who spent most of lockdown with my newly politicised DC, and has listened to more monologues than most, I'm glad to have had the experience. And now as a bit older and more chilled young adult, they appreciate those conversations too. They created a bond, and established us as two adults who could engage on a level other than parent and child.
Acting as a sounding board was a useful way to support my DC to make sense of their values, to apply critical thinking, to broaden their range (I used to say "just to play devil's advocate.." a fair bit to encourage them to have more of a 360 view on the subject without enraging them!) Rather than try to shut it down (pointless) I embraced it. I'd suggest articles to read, I'd ask their views on things.
I'm interested in politics myself so that helped. But in honesty, if I hadn't been, to have listened, allowed them to try out and practise ideas, shown an interest, to me thats just an extention of what parents do to help their DC grow.
Your DD sounds like an intelligent and thoughtful young woman who cares about things that are important. It's young women like that who help shape the world. When she's out there making a difference, even if only in small ways, these monologues to you will be part of what's shaped that person.

@SillyQuail Is that what you mean by they were incapable of absorbing the energy?
were/are you actually that self important and absorbed that you think others should sit and put up with your ranting and pontificating? Bloody hell! So if a person has an abusive partner who screams and shouts at them, they should “sit with it” till the shouting stops?!

I've voted YABU, because you are, for letting her speak like this at you! You should have nipped that in the bud the first time she started. Instead, you're on here asking if YABU to ask her to stop ranting at you! Has she always been allowed to behave like this?

I mean like you do with a toddler when they're screaming, just kind of let it wash over you until they're done. She's clearly said she is seeking out her mum to vent feelings she's bottling up elsewhere, isn't this exactly what we're supposed to be here for as parents? If her mum rejects her now, she'll get the message she's too much and her (entirely justifiable) feelings are wrong. She may not have learned to express them in a particularly palatable way yet but that's also a learning curve.

@SillyQuail your dad had to leave the room and your mum was crying and it didn’t make you think about your ranting! No one should be expected to tolerate this from a an adult. Op doesn’t need to tolerate this it will do her dd no favours long term. Having strong views is fine but she needs to learn how to share them appropriately not rant.