AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

Do you know for definite that your eldest brother would feel 'less loved' if he inherited less? Your mum is obviously not intending it that way. However, it is very difficult to even out luck and life circumstances so I think your mum would be wiser not to try. Also, circumstances change and health issues can strike anyone. All you can do is calmly explain these points when your mum talks about her Will.

Sometimes it would be better if the parent just bloody spent it. Df didn't, and the inheritance felt painful, because he led a frugal life; it was difficult enough to encourage him to get new carpets among other things! I cried when it came through.
I felt like this money was still his and I was finding out his private financial affairs. Honesty, seeing the transfers he would make for birthdays etc under his initials from his account, then suddenly that money he was taking it from is in mine; I cried my eyes out when I saw it. He split it equally between my sibling, and I.
For the first year I bought my young dcs a present from grandad using the amount he would give to buy a gift for them, as it was close to Christmas. There is definitely a huge amount of emotion tided to inheritance, well there was for me anyway.

It’s always best to leave money equally unless there is an overwhelming reason not to but as others have said it’s her money, her decision.

I agree with you OP that it doesn't work to split an estate according to need. Many people make their wills a good while before they die, and anyone's circumstances can change quickly due to economic factors outside their control, sickness etc. The amount of the estate can change too, or disappear to nothing. Personally I would split your mum's estate four ways, but it isn't anyone else's choice. At least she is making a will.

SHE will get less this way.
Didn't you read it?

You are totally correct that the issue is the emotional fall out afterwards. I was ready for this thread to be a "I want my dues" type post, and would have voted YABU, but this is really a post about family dynamics. Has your mother spoken to your half-brother about it? He might be totally ok with the proposal, knowing that he doesn't need it, but better that your mother has given him the logic now, than find out after her death that he has been "disinherited".

Personally, I think any attempt to split inheritance based on perceived need is asking for trouble, but ultimately that is her choice to make.

You’re right. Her plan is divisive and unfair.

In my experience, and from the dozens of posts on here, inheritance is deeply emotional in a way which has nothing to do with the actual money amounts.

It is like form beyond the grave a parent says this child was more or less important that that child.

I would always advise parents to split it equally between all children.

If they want to do something different, for a reason eg 3 kids have houses and the third doesn't, then help them out now, while they are still alive, and still divide equally on death.
The only exception to this that I think doesn't cause upset is when there is a sibling who needs lifelong care and money is put aside for that purpose.

My own parents wanted to leave something divided between the grandchildren when they died. My younger brother and I had to point out that that technically disadvantaged my oldest brother as he only has 2 kids and we both have 3. Doesn't matter that my eldest brother has loads of money and I don't. we didn't want that visible inequality to stand. So they have changed it, and also had the conversation with my oldest brother.

These things can be so hurtful, and the person has died and can't explain their reasoning. It is true that it is her money and she can leave it how she likes, none of us are owed anything, go and spend it. But again, it isn't about money.
Leave it all to Battersea Dog's Home, or divide it equally.

As someone disinherited because I was the most well off sibling by a long shot it pissed me off. My Mother did leave everything to her favourite child and had her reasons for the rest of us and that was her reasoning for me. I lived at a distance but sorted out my Mothers financial affairs for many years, saved her a lot of money on various occasions. It started when I saved her from messing up her poll tax bill many decades age. She had been widowed and forgot to pay, I was only 15 but she had been summoned to court and they were jailing people, I sorted that out.

DH was also disinherited by his Father, his sister is shit at life. She has always earned well and has no health issues but has done many questionable things. She inherited everything because he felt sorry for her.

It is however up to your Mother but she will not be there for the fall out will she. My sister’s attitude means none of us speak to her now, it’s been 7 years. It annoyed me but it really upset two of my other sisters and the way my sister spoke to them, unforgivable.

The mother has asked her advice/opinion

Your mum’s thinking is perfectly valid and it is the way many people choose to divide their estate: according to who needs/deserves it.
( It’s not what I would choose to do. I’ve gone down the route of splitting things equally.)
i do think you should encourage her to explain to all of you what she is doing and why. This will avoid any upset or accusations when the time comes. And she should do this with all of you present so you all know exactly what she said and to whom!

You can think whatever you like. But it's her estate and therefore her choice. She can divide it up however she wants. You've expressed your opinion, and she is perfectly at liberty to ignore it.

I t is your mum's will, not yours, and not your choice. You can't do anything about your sibling possibly feeling unloved. He may not anyway. You can transfer some of your inheritance to him when the time comes.

My only advice is that she should talk to her eldest son before disinheriting him, as her decision will likely cause upset. Rightly or wrongly, people feel unloved or snubbed when they are left out of a will. In the grand scheme of things, increasing the amount each of you receive by about 5 to 8 percentage of the total estate isn’t worth the potential for sibling disharmony.

You could point out to your mum that if she thinks her estate should be distributed on the basis of need, there are several billion people on the planet more in need of it than you and your siblings, maybe she should leave it to some of them.If, however she’s decided like most people to leave it to her children because they are her children , then ‘need’ shouldn’t come into it, assuming they are all able-bodied independent adults.

It’s her money, and her choice - but as the only reason the money is going to her children is because they are her children, any attempt to mess around with the shares will only cause bad feeling and discord between siblings.

Ultimately, yes, it’s her money, her choice but while I wouldn’t be telling her what to do, I’d make my feelings quite clear in that it’s a terrible decision which will lead to bad feeling amongst her children / your siblings. Eldest brother may accept her plans for what they are or he could be incredibly upset and feel he was the least important to her. She’s running the risk of a potential irreparable feud between you all.

I think that you have given very good advice to your mum and now let her think on it. Some years ago I got some extremely good advice from Mumsnet. My eldest son got a lot of financial help early on when circumstances not of his making meant he needed help. He did not ask for it. My youngest also got some financial help.My middle child a daughter did not get a large cash advance as she had no need.

Over the years my daughter’s circumstances meant that in her retirement she would be significantly less well off than her brothers. So my question was should their inheritance be influenced by my previous help. Overwhelming the answer was to share equally for many of the reasons given here.

One poster said that any of their circumstances might change. This is exactly what happened and my daughter is more financially secure than her brothers.

Love is not measured in money. It is not measured in terms of any other different thing that isn't Love itself.

If a mother was helping her 4 children escape from a dangerous situation, she would not split her efforts equally, she would spend her time and attention on helping the one who is trapped, or disabled, or too young to understand, rather than the capable one who doesn't need her help.

If a mum and dad take their 4 children swimming they don't give equal attention to all 4, they focus on the ones who can't swim, maintaining minimum safe awareness of the ones who are strong and capable swimmers.

The mother's love to all her children is equal and she wants them to be, as far as possible, equally settled, happy and financially secure. It is not unreasonable for her to give more help to those who are furthest from that goal

Of course it's up to her and her reasoning. But I agree with you

Fundamentally, her choice, but you may be left with a family where not everyone was treated equally, and if you have a relationship with this half-brother, it may become strained. I'd say if you plan to do this please explain your reasoning to him whilst he's still alive so you don't have to pick up the pieces. If you aren't in contact/he knows this weakens this approach, and it may be unnecessary.

I don't think that's fair at all. OP does the best out of her mum's plans, but she is concerned that it's not fair to her elder brother and wants him to get more.

And I also disagree that it's not her place to voice an opinion. Yes it's her mother's money, but her mother may not have considered how hurtful her plans will be to her eldest son, nor how it might strain the sibling relationships after her death. Obviously OP can't force her mum to do anything, but she is perfectly within her rights to voice her opinion and stick up for her brother.

You can only raise this as a concern. You can't control what she actually does.