AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

That doesn’t help with the message it sends though does it?

Ultimately her choice but it is really shitty

Your right she is wrong. Whether it is money or attention the principal is the same it “divides” the siblings. My MIL gave both financial and emotional support to her daughter vastly favouring her. (MIL “felt” my husband had a better job even tho both earned same for both family incomes and she “felt” he coped better. - how she knew i never know as she never asked). My husband never addressed this with her. Before she died she said she was upset they were not close and could “he “ make more effort as “you know what she is like “ - she died and differences were made but now the fallout is he and his sister don’t talk/see each other and it’s really deep rooted in the differences that were made since childhood as well as the financial/emotional inequality into adulthood. The unequal parenting is at fault and just wrong

Surely you can see how this isn’t fair then?

Even if you offered to give your eldest brother some of the money you inherit from your Mum it won't take away his hurt or make him feel as loved as his siblings were. I think equal shares is best regardless of situation. Situations can change. I'd have felt really upset if my Mum did not leave me equal shares with my sisters. As it was I was able to treat my sister to a car when hers broke and she needed a car to get to work.

Unless there are profound lifetime support needs, doing anything other than splitting the money equally has the potential to cause resentment among the siblings. She should just give equally. Ultimately, it is her decision though. You can’t control what she does.

My parents told us they had divided it up equally; at the time, one sibling was a millionaire, one was struggling, and two of us were doing ok. When the time came, the millionaire was on their uppers through no fault of their own, and the struggling one was in improved circumstances. We all felt that the money was irrelevant compared to knowing that we were all loved and valued equally.

Yes I agree it should be equally split. My Mum (who always favoured my brother) is starting to make noises about leaving him more due to our personal circumstances. She doesn't even know the ins and outs of our finances so it's totally ridiculous. One of the many reasons I am now low contact with her.

I completely agree with you, it should be split evenly, we all make different life choices.

If for example there were two siblings, one who was very successful and owned property and assets etc, and then another who had not done well and had no assets then why should the one who hasn’t done so well get more of the inheritance just because they need it more, it is like penalising hard work.

Having said that, it is her money and she can do as she pleases, whether you agree with it or not.

One problem with leaving it to the one who 'needs it most' is that it quickly becomes a comment on lifestyle, choices, jobs and money management.
The one who 'needs it' may need it because they have made choices to spend money, or to have a big family or to take a job in the charity sector etc etc. Their choice is now being reframed as 'poor them' they need money.

The other sibling, who may have made different choices, is now effectively being punished for being careful with money, or choosing a higher paying career etc.

Unless it is someone who needs long term care, these selections on how to divide the money are never without judgement.

Whether it was her choice wasn't the question. 🙄

I think the biggest mistake is not to discuss your plans with all of your family, so that they can understand why you came to the decision.

We knew that my DP were leaving their estate equally divided between their grandchildren - DB and I were happy about that when they spoke to us - had we not been I am sure they would have thought again.

I have already spoken to my adult DC and told them that if we decide to do the same, it will be shared as if left equally through our DC, so if one has 3 DC and the other 1, the DGC who has no siblings will get 50% and the 3 siblings would get the remaining 50% shared between them. As there are currently no DGC, there is no emotional tie, and when decisions are made, everyone will know that it was to treat our DC equally rather than favouring one DGC over their cousins.

But talk, explain and listen to what the responses are. Don't just discuss with one DC - include them all.

Also Wills should be updated regularly - if necessary - as circumstances change.

We know that DH's sister was actively trying to persuade their DP to leave everything to her, as she needed it more - apparently DH had enough (!) and their sibling who lived overseas didn't deserve anything. Fortunately PIL were switched on enough to shut that down immediately.

Honest conversation with everyone involved would solve most of these issues.

Hope your Mum eventually sees your point OP.

You are completely wrong. OP will receive the most from the will. Her half-brother will receive the least and she is worried about how he will feel.

FruAashild

But you’re just not the type obviously to get upset/ upset things. Every single case I know including my own family where one didn’t talk to us for over 2 years because of what my mum said, also my dad’s family, three friends’ family- all where parents declared ‘I’ve decided’- and someone disagreed. And the parent in each case said I’d rather have it out now. Well thanks!!!!

Tough one op.

My FIL wanted to do this as his daughter (so DH's sister) wasn't speaking to him, my DH told him that he would be very upset if he did this and destroyed his relationship with his sibling. He ended up not doing it in the end.

I think if someone tells you what they're planning to do, they have started a conversation and you can absolutely say what you think. But whether it will change her mind is another matter.

These "what-about" scenarios just further point out why you just need to treat your own children equally, regardless of the circumstances. It keeps it fair and doesn't give even a whiff of favouritism.

I think you have misunderstood- OP will stand to inherit LESS with the equal split, so she is being selfless in this regard.

I do agree that it will most likely cause a family feud - whatever people say, inheritance from a parent comes with a huge emotional tag.

I don’t think it is possible to say (in most circumstances), which child deserves it more
The who did all the right things and ended up with a reasonably successful life?
The one who made more hedonistic choices and now has the consequences of that?
The one with a partner and children and, so more outgoings?
The one who is single and has less outgoing but also less support?
Who has the larger mortgage? But they may have a larger income?
What if the partner/child/grandchild becomes seriously ill, disabled? Etc etc.

Short of anyone winning the lottery or becoming a the lowest form of criminal, I think an equal split is the fairest.

You're not wrong, but realistically you probably won't change her mind, and the chips will fall where they do. At least she's told you about it in advance, so you have time to make peace with it, and aren't labouring under any sort of misapprehension.

I can see as a parent you might want to help the child you perceive as getting a worse deal, or a harder life or any number of other disadvantages. But how could you really ever calculate this? There 5 of us in a blended family of steps and halves. 4 of us have partners, three have children and there is a 20 year gap between the eldest and youngest.

My kids got an inheritance that will help them through university from my DH's side GPs (missing out two genrations to do this), two of my other sibling's kids will also likely benefit from their grandparents - but that hasn't happened yet - so who knows? Two don't have children - do they get more or less? One was given a property by my parents, but has a huge mortgage and student loans, should they get more or less in the final reckoning? I went through the awful divorce, my youngest sibling will likely be dealing with the elderly years. Who gets the financial recompense? I actually have no idea how much my parents have given to other siblings as it is none of my business, but it will have been based on needs at the time.

There are personal lifestyle choices, other families and in laws, children and other dependents, illness, luck, foolishness, sage decisions, relationships and levels of contact, and finally, likely very little money at all after care and resifdential homes. I don't understand how anyone can make a calculation that is anything other than equal, that woudln't then feel (even if not intended) like a preference or judgement.

There's nothing wrong with your mum wanting all four of you to inherit equally, but neither is there anything wrong with her wanting to apportion her estate on the basis of "need".

Both are equally logical and both are a reasonable basis for her to bequeath her estate.

But if you know what she intends to do she has obviously already told you. Why doesn't she just explain to all four of you now while she is still alive what she is doing and why she is doing it?

Alternatively she could leave your half-brother a letter along with her will assuring him that she loved him as much as her other three children but explaining why he was only getting a token bequest.

I don't see the problem unless your mother wants intends to make it a problem

But if all op cared about was moeny, she'd keep quiet. She's advocating getting less to not screw u with sibling relationship and sour her eldest child's view of their relationship.

OP I think it's reasonable to talk baoi9it, in a have yo u thought how Steve will feel, that it might cause tension etc.

Of course in part it depends on amounts.

I think you're right to be concerned. He might not have an issue with it but surely she should discuss it with him? That's what my in-laws did. They called DH and had an open discussion that his brothers both really struggle financially but DH and I don't, so they were thinking of updating their will to make sure the money went where it was needed rather than just splitting equally. We'll still get a few sentimental bits but no money/property. We were absolutely fine with it, so they've made the change, but if they hadn't told us and we'd found out after they were gone it would have been really upsetting. It's not about the money really so much as the potential fallout from your oldest brother feeling left out/unloved.

Agree entirely @Peachie31

My d friend is struggling at the moment - the parents split a large farm, property holdings and shares into a split that favored two boys and one daughter (who never stopped poor mouthing).

My d friend never wanted to put her parents under pressure - she is too dignified for that. They assumed she is fine and left her a few thousand.

So now she has to accept that, and recognize that her sibs accept and respect their parents wishes - ie they are holding on to the lot and not giving her anything,

Terrible and somewhat high handed by the parents.

As some others have said, ultimately it is her money and will.

However.... as a parent, I fully agree with you. I think it's really shoddy parenting and just shows blatant favouritism to give different amounts to each child based on what you think they "deserve". Ultimately they are all equally your kids, so should be treated equally.

Personally, my plan when the time comes will be to stipulate a set amount for any grandchildren, for example £10k each or whatever, and the rest is to be divided equally between my children. That way, my kids get an equal share of the bulk of the inheritance, and any grandkids all get the same amount too, albeit more of a token inheritance.