AIBU to want my estate divided equally between all four children?

You clearly don't want to but only yours should be split between 4.

The money from your late husband should be split between three.

Your DP will only leave his money to his child.

You choice to adopt his child doesn’t then give you to moral right to take the asset he left and pass it onto a child that isn’t his. He didn’t adopt your new child, doesn’t even know about them. That’s your own choice. His assets shouldn’t go to your new child. They should go to his. If there is anything left of those assets.

I think the age and stage of the children when you and your DP got together is relevant. Have you effectively raised DS1, even though they are not your biological child. Ultimately though, splitting it four ways is the signal that says I love you all equally. And that is how it will be treated - a great big signal that reverberates after your death

DD3 shouldn't get an equal share of your money no, because some/a lot of that is from the older 3's Dad. She will inherit from her own Dad & they will not.

If you die before your current partner how will they split the money? I would be looking for all 4 children to end up with the same inheritance in the end - for that you need to understand what your partner will do.

You are still diverting your husband’s share of the assets away from his children in order to benenfir a child you’ve gone on to have with another, and that child will also inherit from their own dad. So they get to inherit from you, their dad plus a share of your late husband’s assets, whilst the other children will onto inherit from you and your late husband. That isn’t fair.

Your husband share of the assets should be ring fenced to go to his children. Not your new child.

How would you feel if your new partner got your assets, went on to have more children and split your assets between them?

I think it massively depends on how much he left you. If it was say £250k or less then it’s reasonable to assume that bulk of that was absorbed by the cost of raising them etc. and therefore fine for an equal split. If it was more, I’d probably ringfence a portion for his biological children only.

I agree with you. Treat them all equally.

I think it helps when you come at it from the other side. I have two kids and a new partner. If I marry him, and don’t leave a will then he’d get everything. And he is young enough o have kids. So then all my assets could end up being left to children he has in the future. Absolutely not acceptable.

So I’m not marrying him. If I did, my will would leave my assets to my children, not him.

OP’s husband didn’t think ahead and clearly trusted OP to protect his children when it came to inheritance. She isn’t doing that, because it’s being watered down to account for her new kid/kids if she has more.

I wish parents would secure their assets for their children so they are protected in cases of blended families. Your husband likely never thought his assets would go to a child not related to him.

your DD3 has two living parents to inherit from. I think it would be better to calculate the value of his estate when he died and split that between three, then the assets built up since split four ways.

It’s interesting to read these responses because when it’s the other way around, everyone jumps to say the shares shouldn’t be equal because the other child(ren) have 2 other parents to inherit from!

However, in your circumstances, as it sounds like the children are quite young, I would split 4 ways. I would consider the inheritance you received from your late husband to be the advanced child maintenance for raising the children that he’s no longer around to provide for. If he had died when the children were all adults, I’d have felt a different split would be fairer. Depending on what sort of money you are talking about, you could always put X amount each for the 3 children (eg £5k/£10k) and state in the will that this is from their fathers estate so your youngest child doesn’t feel hurt, the older children feel that they’ve inherited something from their dad and it’s not masses of money that will make a huge difference to everyone’s lives in that it won’t leave one in poverty while the others are living in mansions. Of course if DD3’s father is extremely wealthy, and she will inherit a lot from him, this could be your opportunity to make it fairer.

There is no right or wrong answer here. You could always revisit the will when the children are adults and you can discuss it with them if you wish.

Equally, always. Can’t imagine splitting hairs like this and causing divisions.

It’s lovely that you want to split your assets across all of your children. It would be cold and damaging not to.

Others aren’t as nice? Because we think his estate and money should go to his own kids? Wow. What if OP had 5 more kids… should his half of the house just keep getting cut isn’t smaller portions for his own kids?

She isn’t going to. Step parents rarely do when they’ve had more kids. It’s all about “fairness” when it benefits their new children, it’s nothing to do with fairness to the children of the deceased.

He left everything to OP, and clearly trusted her to make sure it went to his kids in the end. She could go on to have 2 or 3 other children, and his children’s share of his money will keep going down because it isn’t being ring fenced. But that’s standard step parent behaviour really. From years on mumsnet, that’s all we see. Glad neither of my parents had second families.

If he's OK without your money (and assuming he has to sell the house when yiu die) then it sounds like he'll have something to leave Dd3. In which case I would consider splitting your dead DHs estate into 3 and your leftover into 4.

I think it is disrespectful of your late husband.

I’d split 4 ways myself particularly as it sound like there’s a lag between inheritance from ex and hopefully a long time later! Seems the fairest way to me and it’s a shame others aren’t as nice.

Agree. Deceased husbands money should be ring fenced in your will clearly and unequivocally for HIS children.

Your current partner can leave HIS money to his child

You can do what you like with your own money. I appreciate that deceased husband left all his money to you, therefore it's all yours , but you should, imo, do for his children what he didn't do

I know when my friend went to the solicitor she was told it was a common and fair arrangement in blended families for each adult to split their half between the children they are responsible for.

If you were married (not sure what the set up is with your dp so just assuming he is entitled to half in case of marriage) then your half would be split between the four dc you are responsible for (included third ds as it seems you have taken him on) and your dp's half would go to the fourth dc only (or any other dc he has too).

As a thought experiment, imagine if you die and your assets pass to your current dp. He goes on to have another child with a new partner, and chooses to split those assets equally between your 4 kids and his new one. It probably doesn't feel that comfortable, it wouldn't to me. But having said that, if you see yourselves as one family now and think this will cause less drama down the line, then do it.

Edited as x-posted.