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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

89 replies

SunshineOnIslington · 31/05/2026 23:09

Happy for people to search my previous thread but it’s not wholly relevant here as this is a more general question…

So I lost my dad when I was 13, he was 41, he literally dropped down dead from a heart condition caused by alcoholism that had no previous signs or symptoms. Growing up I was very very much a daddy’s girl, but some cracks were already showing by then in terms of my freedoms, what I wore, etc. and I suspect if he’d lived I’d have been a long way from home. He also horrendously abused my mum which I never knew the full extent of until after he died… but at the end of the day he was still my dad and we still had those good times. He’s still half of me.

We buried his ashes at a location in London. I don’t go often but when I do I usually go alone and spend some time there reflecting, talking to him etc (we live a long way away). I’ve just been there this weekend with a friend though who needed babysitting for various reasons. I asked him if I could go there alone to do my thing and he wouldn’t leave me. His excuse was he doesn’t know London and his battery was low - despite me saying just sit here in this pub and I won’t be long.

maybe I should have been more assertive but he has mental health issues. But surely I’m not being dramatic to ask for some time alone to pay my respects to my father?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 01/06/2026 08:38

SunshineOnIslington · 01/06/2026 07:45

The fact that he’s a grown adult with autonomy over himself who is considered able to live independently?

and as for MH issues, I’m autistic and suffer massively from anxiety and depression. I’m now in complete burnout after this weekend. Who’s looking after me? Absolutely fucking nobody as always.

Edited
Show quote history

I don't mean this is in a nasty way but you need to look after yourself.
Forget about this "friend".
In another thread (that I assume was you with a different username) you mentioned your mum wasn't that caring about your feelings for this weekend so don't even worry about what she thinks either. That's on her.
You are you. Focus on you. Look after yourself. No more agreeing to share hotel rooms or spend time with this jerk.
I hope you feel better soon 💐🙂

chesterelly1 · 01/06/2026 08:26

Your friend has upset you so much over the course of one weekend that you’ve started two threads on his behaviour. YANBU in either situation but YABU if you allow him to keep this up. Time to really think about what’s in this friendship for you.

Nopersbro · 01/06/2026 08:00

Your request was normal, reasonable, and not unusual. It sounds like your friend lacks empathy, perhaps because of the MH, etc. issues you have mentioned here - hence his needing "babysitting" in the first place - and so was not able (or not willing) to respect and comply with your request. You could have been firmer with him ("you can't come; I'll be back by 3:00"), or excused yourself to use the ladies' and snuck out, or perhaps even physically overpowered him - but I suspect you'd have felt a lot of guilt and anxiety over any of these. Don't invite him anywhere again unless you're willing and able to spend the full day with him, I guess.

Original poster
SunshineOnIslington · 01/06/2026 07:45

Springtimeinsunshine · 01/06/2026 07:29

No you weren't unreasonable to want alone time BUT you knew that this particular friend needed babysitting as he had mh issues. A normal friend would have given you the space but this friend couldn't (rather than wouldn't).

Considering his issues what made you think he could cope?

The fact that he’s a grown adult with autonomy over himself who is considered able to live independently?

and as for MH issues, I’m autistic and suffer massively from anxiety and depression. I’m now in complete burnout after this weekend. Who’s looking after me? Absolutely fucking nobody as always.

OP posts:
Springtimeinsunshine · 01/06/2026 07:29

No you weren't unreasonable to want alone time BUT you knew that this particular friend needed babysitting as he had mh issues. A normal friend would have given you the space but this friend couldn't (rather than wouldn't).

Considering his issues what made you think he could cope?

DandelionClockSeeds · 01/06/2026 06:59

Is this the guy you went to the arsenal parade with in a hotel room with no AC? You need to cut that friendship. It gives you nothing.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 01/06/2026 06:43

Given what you’ve told us about this friend you were unreasonable to expect any different tbh. This isn’t a normal functioning member of society with nuanced social skills that we’re talking about here.

BMW58 · 01/06/2026 06:36

But you agreed to go on this jaunt with him knowing his bad MH and issues?
Did he know that you wanted time alone when you discussed the trip?

Why isn't he OK with sitting in a pub for a hour?

Larrythecatforpm · 01/06/2026 06:26

Get rid of the friend, shouldn’t have to babysit a grown adult.

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 01/06/2026 06:06

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to go alone.

I do think you are unreasonable to take a friend who you clearly haven't arranged with in advance that you would be going off and expect them to sit in a pub and wait for you. That isn't useful for either of you.

So next time if you want to go alone, go alone.

Needmorelego · 01/06/2026 01:11

Having read your other threads I think you need to end this "friendship".
It doesn't sound good for you at all.

nomas · 01/06/2026 00:59

Sorry about your dad, I also lost mine as a teen.

On the face of it, YANBU. If someone asked me for some time, I would say of course. But was it made clear from the outset that you need a few hours alone during this weekend? Or was your friend's expectation that you would be together for most of it?

I would be wary of going away with him again.

pizzaHeart · 31/05/2026 23:16

You are not being unreasonable. It’s normal to want some alone time in such circumstances.
Your friend was very rude. And don’t blame yourself. You told him what else could you do - fight him?

thetinsoldier · 31/05/2026 23:11

Of course you’re not being U. Your friend was being pathetic.