AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

OP, I understand you are autistic but you need to try to understand that arsehole men are NOT projects for women.

Women get used by arsehole men every day.

He is using you.
You owe him nothing.

Certainly not your peace.

You can make different choices.

Choose to never see or hear from him again.
Choose to block his number.
Choose to put your peace and happiness first.

He brings nothing to your life.

Put yourself first or this will be your life.

Used by arseholes.

I mean... you were cleaning this guy's shit off the shower... when did this become your job?!

If you're autistic then it's all the more important that you protect your own space and stand up for your own needs. Your mental health is as important as his. Yes, he was totally unreasonable. But it's because he's unreasonable that you have to be firmer with your own boundaries - this is what people are trying to tell you - it's about help, not about blame.

I've done what you do - vented about a situation and felt better for letting off that little bit of steam. But I recognised that, ultimately, this stuff would keep happening unless I changed something. In your place, I'd sit quietly and think about this, maybe write it out on paper to concentrate your thoughts. Can you identify 1, 2 or 3 steps you can take to change things going forward?

why did you invite him in the first place? Sounds like you would be much better off cutting contact altogether..

I think if you have mental health issues of your own, a close relationship with someone who also does is particularly tricky. Because while there may be a bond of shared experience, there are also support needs that the other may not be equipped to meet.
You have not been looked after this weekend because the person you spent it with isn't capable of it, and instead needs you to support him. Which is exhausting and not helpful to your wellbeing.
If I were you, I'd reshape this friendship into something less intense that doesn't involve prolonged periods alone together. Be your own friend first and foremost.

Please stop looking for ways to prove this was unreasonable and not your fault. You don’t need to.

He was VERY unreasonable and took advantage of your kind nature. The only way you had responsibility for what happened, was in going along with it.

The only way to keep yourself safe is to be selfish- put yourself first because, as you said, no one else does!

Just make sure you never see this 'friend' again, he sounds absolutely toxic and he's not your responsibility.

And now you’re doing the classic people-pleaser thing of blaming other people for your own inability to say no. If you’d said no, it wouldn’t matter how reliable he was about his meds, whether he’d lied to his support worker etc. You say you work in MH. Surely it was obvious this was likely to be a literal shitshow, taking someone who can’t live independently, shortly after a really long inpatient stay in a psych ward, on a high stakes trip to a stressful urban environment in a heatwave? This was a preventable misery for you.

It seems like there was a breakdown in communication. I would have discussed my intentions with him earlier so we’re on the same page, he you’d have prepared himself better.
Yanbu. He could have sat in the pub waiting, he probably would have if he knew the plan.

very unfair. He could have sat in the pub to wait for you or even on a bench. When I go to my parents' grave, my partner carries the flowers, water etc for me, then goes for a wander round for a while. Then it gives me time to talk to my parents, especially if I am having problems with my daughter again, but also to thank them for the wonderful times they gave me and how much I miss them too. It must be the same for everyone
meant to say we have ashes of our pets and my fil so I often talk to them when I am alone in the house.

But, respectfully, OP, no one had you at gunpoint. You chose to let him accompany you when you didn’t want to. That’s on you. You said on your other thread that you’re historically a people pleaser and that you think that if you cut ties with him you’ll be ‘the awful person who cut him off’ in other people’s eyes, or whatever. But so what? Did you actually let a man who recently spent three years as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital accompany you on a trip that was doubly important to you (visiting your dad’s ashes and Arsenal) just because you couldn’t say no?

You’ve paid a horribly high price for people-pleasing. Learn from it.

Stop being a martyr, cut the friendship.

Well what are you going to do about it?

You clearly resent your friend, so pull away from him.

Hopefully you will make a clean break now from this man and prioritise your own need for space and time alone.

You have over estimated this mans capabilities and he doesn't live alone does he, he is in supported accomodation. He was never going to be someone supportive to you which is what I think you were hoping for.

I read your previous posts and I agree he has not behaved well but I also think your expectations of him are not realistic.

If you feel the friendship is unbalanced then end it but your crappy weekend is not all his fault.

Im very sorry you lost your dad so young, and in such tragic circumstances, but, respectfully, OP, a weekend with a friend with psychosis and serious addiction issues was always going to be just a thankless adult babysitting job, and not about your own wishes. I agree with pps that this ‘friendship’ isn’t good for you.

Thank you for responding to my post. But are you going to end this friendship? I gather it has been making you unhappy for some time so I'm genuinely curious why you won't withdraw as you don't get on.

Cross posted - so you have managed to do the visit alone?

So what's to stop you telling him you're going to the loo and just walking away to visit the site of your Dad's ashes?

What are your thoughts on ending this friendship?

Like everyone else here, I think you should. I can't put it better than @CamilleBeauchamp so I won't try.

But I do suggest you ignore the posts saying you were unreasonable to have expected him to wait for you in a pub. The reason you wanted a little time to yourself was valid and exceptional. I would only tag along to a cemetery if the friend specifically asked me to. It would be very intrusive and I would've thought most people would realise that. But then I think it is always fine for people to have some space from each other for a short time on any trip. If you aren't used to spending all day and all night with a person, that short time can make the difference between finding their company enjoyable or bloody irritating.

Who’s looking after me? Absolutely fucking nobody as always.

Oh darling, that really touched me when you said that... I recognise it, and it's rotten. Sending sympathy, if that helps... 💐 I hope you can spend some time quietly doing what replenishes you for a few days - when no one meets our needs, we have to - we are entitled to - meet them ourselves. 🤗

But I agree with PPs who say it is time to call a stop to your involvement with this guy. He just takes from you and doesn't give. I'd suggest you use this week as the impetus to say Enough! Tell him once and firmly that you have to take time for yourself now and will not be seeing or contacting him. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable, and he may (will) be awkward, but you have to push through the hard feelings now, and I promise you, you will feel tremendous peace and relief once you do.

You do NOT need to justify or explain or get drawn into an argument - but his behaviour, by any normal standard, has been beyond tolerable this week. Anyone would be justified in ending this 'friendship'.

And yes, refusing to give you space to be with your thoughts around your Dad was a dick move. (And again, I see that you wrote a long justification of your feelings around your Dad. Not necessary. The fact it was something you wanted - to be alone - should have been enough).

For the good of your own mental health, give yourself permission to put your own needs first.

Onward and upwards now! 😄