I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

Are we seriously suggesting that this is just perimenopause or that op needs medicated...? Christ the night some of these responses are dire.

Please OP, you are feeling sad and lonely because you are a single parent and nobody supporting you.
I promise I understand that, I have lived experience.
I also need to let you know that meeting someone isn't always the right thing ;in fact that can make things worse.
You have your health, your daughter, your career.
I appreciate the loneliness of single parenthood but you need to concentrate on areas of your life that bring you joy.
Walks in the park, listening to music, playing with your daughter and watching her play and be happy at school.
Take pleasure from this.
Believe me when I say that having a partner can create more problems than it solves.
Celebrate YOU!

It’s tough OP, there’s no denying it.
It’s hard when life doesn’t pan out as we hope. Having small children can be relentlessly hard work.
Could some counselling help you with the process of accepting and focusing on the positives of your situation? Because there’s a lot here that’s great, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.
One thing that might help is to focus on each day as it comes, and finding/noticing two or three small things to have joy in each day? Rather than focusing on the bigger picture and how it is lacking what you so wished for, looking at the smaller picture and the good things day to day?
Life has phases, and you will feel better about things in time. xxx
(Also - many marriages are hanging on by a thread when the kids are this age. Just saying… don’t fall in to the trap of thinking everyone else is happy because they really are not!!!)

This is really sad OP, I hope you can take care of you and remember you matter and are deserving of love. Life's just a bitch sometimes.

I’d like to make two suggestions if I may. Firstly, consider medication. I know I’m rush8ng to it, but when life suddenly shifts from manageable to a stark desert, sometimes medication is what you need while your body recovers.

Secondly… you are lonely because you are alone in certain situations. That’s ok, and totally normal. It’s also significantly- significantly!- better than being with someone eine who is mak8ng life harder or demanding attention. That hurst even more.

Honestly? Count your blessings.

Absolutely agree with @RamsaySnowsSausage - maybe you’ll meet someone or maybe you won’t OP. Nobody on here can be certain, and I find all this “ooh it’ll happen quickly when you least expect it!” really shit advice. Meeting a man and expecting him to radically enhance your life is like buying a moped and expecting it to fly to the moon.

I have no idea why some women find partners easily and others can be single for years. (I spent over a decade in the second category!) But I do know it has nothing to do with attractiveness, intelligence, wit or the absence of any great qualities. I would say the opposite is true actually (ime).

I mean this nicely but honestly I absolutely hate being told to count my blessings as a lone parent.

I do that daily, 99% of the time I'm sunshine and rainbows because I have to be and it feels pointless dwelling on anything else. But actually lone parents are allowed to feel the weight we carry sometimes without being told 'chin up'. We have nowhere else to put that so being able to come into a space like this and be properly heard rather than shut down is actually quite important.

Op I see you, and I completely get that weight as I carry it as well and it's a very lonely place to be at times even though we know that it comes with peace and that peace is precious.

You are allowed to grieve the parts of your life that didn't work out the way you wanted. You are allowed to recognise that yes, it would be really nice for you to be actually seen, heard and taken care of and loved as a woman not just as a mum/ friend/ family member.

I think we all have those moments, where that sneaks up on us. Things like holidays, birthdays etc can feel extra hard when you see others with what you want and you wonder why it hasn't happened for you. It does help me to remind myself that when I see lots of happy families out and about that their men could be utter dicks behind closed doors and I'm thankful I'm not running after a man child as many women find themselves doing, but would it be nice to find someone and have a proper partnership and be loved properly the way I deserve? Absolutely. I don't need to apologise for feeling that way op and neither do you.

You are doing the work of two people on top of what sounds like a full on job and it's a lot. You're amazing.

I have a counsellor I see every few weeks and that helps me off load some of the heaviness of carrying everything on my own. I try to make some space for a little self care where I can. I also try to allow myself to feel my feelings when I need to. That's really important for avoiding burn out.

Do you have options for childcare op? Could you dip a toe into the dating pool again if you wanted to? There are plenty of single fathers out there. I think as a society we still really platform 'couple things' and we don't really celebrate single people successes the way we actually should. So while loads of people are out there in your and my shoes we just aren't as visible. And that makes it easy to feel alone.

Yeah it’s like telling someone with no money that rich people are all secretly miserable so it’s great they’re poor

Have a good cry is my advice pet. Let it out. It’s ok to feel down and to acknowledge that life isn’t lifing quite how you imagined.

But hopefully after a bit of wallowing you’ll see that really you’ve got a lot of positives. You have a DD, you’ve accomplished a lot in your career which has given you financial independence and your own home. You possibly give off an air of self sufficiency to your loved ones so would letting them know how you’re feeling help? Or maybe a few sessions with a life coach so that you can work through your emotions. Best of luck to you.

I know you are only 39 but you could be early stages of perimenopause and your emotions could be hormones. Sometimes though we are triggered by a series of things which become much more than a sum of their parts.
Your daughter is probably into school, that is a big change and a point where people can start to look to rediscovering themselves, maybe you need to make some changes for you. If she doesn’t go to her father could she go to grandparents one day every couple of weeks, you could go out and do something just for you. Could you go to the family holiday but for less time?

OP isn’t stupid and it belittles her very valid feelings and it’s patronising.

It sounds like a good position to be in. Some of us have average salaries and no children.

Oh, bless you. I totally relate to every word, especially missing the small things, someone nipping out when you've ran out of coffee or forgot to pick milk up, or popping out for a mcflurry at 11pm for you to eat in bed with a series, or someone else to take the child's shoes off after a day out while you cook tea, or saying "its your turn" when the child wakes up at the arse crack of dawn 5 weeks in a row, or, or, or....

My little boy is 19 months (almost 20) and his dad left us when he was 11 months, he has no contact with our baby. Its fucking hard. It doesnt help when people say "but at least...." as though you should be grateful for raising your child singlehandedly. Feel free to message me if you want someone who totally relates and empathises x

I agree. Plus it always seems a bit mean spirited to say - that thing you want? Well don’t worry I’m sure those people are all secretly miserable!

I think looking at happy couples can inspire you - if it can happen for them then it can happen for you. They’re just ordinary people like everyone else so I would use them as a reason to be positive instead of envious. Their existence literally proves that the thing you want is perfectly possible and achievable and in fact, quite abundant!

I don't think that promising you that the perfect person is round the corner and that you just need to adjust your life/mindset/hobbies/habits is helpful whatsoever. In fact, I think it is patronising bullshit and will make you feel even worse if it doesn't happen because that's implying it's clearly your fault. Some people just don't get the luck of meeting a good man who is available and likes them back.

And there really aren't that many good men to begin with. I am early 40s with a teenager and have been single for 5 years. My husband left me before the baby was born and the next man was abusive so I have never had the family experience with holidays, plans, sharing the load etc. It's shite. I want a partner - a friend and a lover, it would be fantastic and I get so envious looking around at other people and wishing it wasn't just me and my kid BUT of all the hundreds of couples I know or have known personally- family, friends, acquaintances, there are only 2 couples I am truly envious of and both of those are only 5ish years in. Every other couple has a toxic element, a misogynist husband. finance imbalance or a dissatisfied wife etc. I include my parents, dead grandparents, siblings and best friends in that. I wouldn't put up with half the shite they do to stay married.

Like you, I think I am a normal person, nothing objectively wrong with me but I won't accept abuse or piss poor behaviour anymore so that immediately puts men off you. I could have a boyfriend by the end of the week (and it's Sunday!) if I lowered my standards and so could you but what is the point in that.

Doing it alone is fucking shit but doing it with the wrong person is worse and that is what we need to hang on to. Maybe you will meet the perfect forever man, maybe you'll meet a perfect few temporary men but just be so grateful you have financial independence and do not need to compromise. Every woman I have observed in a long term relationship or marriage has had to dim herself to keep her man. Of course, I've only seen what I have seen and maybe every other woman is 100% authentic and in a fantastic relationship.

You are not the only one. It is hard. There is no prize or reward for doing it the hard way. But just enjoy what you can, when you can 💕

It’s a valid perspective though and you can’t tell what people’s relationships are actually like behind closed doors. There are a lot of lonely and unhappy people who are in relationships as well as single.

I don’t think it helps when people say oh but it’s better than being in a crap relationship or I’m married but also lonely. Of course those two things can be true but it doesn’t help when you see people in good relationships who aren’t lonely! 😂

I completely agree that the long Summer days can really heighten loneliness for people.

I think you would benefit from talking your feelings through with a counsellor.

There are many ways round some of your problems, particularly things like having a pizza delivered. It seems a shame that you will forgo the holiday where you could get some support with childcare etc, and some adult company. Could you travel with another branch of the family to split costs?
You are doing a good job of bringing up your DD, try to keep hold of that.

I haven’t got much advice but I wanted to reply as it really struck a chord.

I am married and have two dc, but I’m not particularly close to my family (well I am close to my mum but it’s complicated), and I’m not particularly close to dh family either. We don’t all meet up. I don’t have many friends. I’ve got a couple of lovely friends but no big group like some people do.

Anyway I’m rambling, but I’ve been feeling a bit down lately and a bit lonely because there are no cousins or big friendship groups to go places with.

I wonder if lots of us compare our lives to others too much especially with social media.

Your dd will no doubt become amazing company as she gets older and you’ll be able to experience so many lovely things together.

I get it’s not the same as having a partner but there are so many shit relationships anyway, you are giving your dd a lovely peaceful, stable life.

There is nothing to stop you meeting someone at some point if it’s what you truly want.

Bless you OP. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings ❤️

It’s weird but I think the sunny weather has something to do with it, and it heightens the emotions. When it’s sunny and we have long days, everyone just seems to be out with their ‘people’. It’s expected that people go out and enjoy the outside. So when you’re feeling alone, seeing so many families and friend groups out and about doing things really makes you sad. But when it’s cold, dark and rainy everyone seems to stay indoors wrapped up so no one really notices what others are doing.

I promise you, there will be more people than you realise who feel exactly the same as you do.

& it may not be a comforting thing, but there are many women with husbands and big families who are absolutely miserable, and for one reason or another stay in their broken/dead marriages. They will also feel so alone despite being surrounded by people.

It’s scary, but you need to put yourself out there to meet other people. Talk to school mums, offer play dates, join a gym/club/group when you have time for yourself. Obviously it’s easier said than done.

& try and live in the moment. Don’t dwell on the past or think about the “what ifs” of the future.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

I understand. I was you (minus the child) a long time ago. I will never forget, till the day I die, that bottomless, yawning stretch of loneliness - always at the weekends when 48 hours felt like a week - and the knowledge that I was nobody’s priority. Everybody had someone they wanted more than me, even my parents had. It’s not normal or natural for humans, I think. I used to look at old couples bickering and envy them. Overhear a young woman in the supermarket on the phone to someone asking if they wanted the chicken or beef whatever and wonder what she had that I didn’t for her to have someone to negotiate with and I didn’t. Simple thing like going to the loo in a restaurant and being able to just get up and go when you needed to because someone else would be there to watch your bag, talk to a waiter, assume you’d not absconded etc.

It did come to and end, I’m profoundly happy with my DH and DC. I have everything I hoped for, and don’t even think DH and I will be the bickering type when old! It is more likely to happen for you too, than not. You’re social, you have friends, you have family - it may not come the way you think it will, or when you think it will, but if you keep and open mind and heart it’s more likely you’ll end up in a couple than not if that’s what you want.

Don’t let the despair or sadness get to you. Acknowledge it, and leave it in today, wake up tomorrow with a fresher and more positive outlook on the amazing things you do have. Every day is different and will bring different things.

Thats ok- dont try to pretend the feeling away- you feel how you feel. But equally, dont allow yourself to marinate in it if that makes sense.

I think there is a big difference between "I feel really lonely and sad right now" and "I'm going to be alone forever, I am unloveable" - know what I mean?- the first one is processing a feeling, the second is unnecessary suffering.

So feel it, let it out and then write down what you are going to do about it and set some goals. Taking action always helps that feeling of being out of control.

Exactly this. And if you put up with a crap man rather than be alone then your self esteem will be non existent (like me)