I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

I know this feeling so well, making all the decisions, paying for every single thing,, sorting out all the stuff that goes wrong in the house, always coming home to an empty house, doing the bins, dealing with all the life admin. I was a single parent and although I had a couple of relationships after my marriage ended (he left me with a young baby) nothing lasted. It is not how I saw my life working out, I do my best to reframe it, I have had reasonable jobs, I have friends, an adult child who is doing ok, I own my house even though it is far from the sort of house in the sort of area i had envisaged living in. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel ground down by life at times, to want to be with someone and share the good and the not so good.

OP i think you are grieving a life you thought you would have. We also tend to put other people's relationships on a pedestal. You don't know how truly happy they are. I bet some envy you and think you have more freedom and autonomy. Don't have to pander to a man child.

I don't think you need to count your blessings. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve (for now, as you can still have a good relationship waiting for you).

My lovely, you arent broken at all, you are posting and vocalising, that shows you still have spirit

You have done extremely brilliantly to get to this stage in your life, bringing up little one, building a home, progressing in work

I get where you are, looking around and feeling alone , Ive been there - as part of a couple.

The grass really isnt always greener

But that doesnt stop you wanting someone in your life

I dont have answers for you, I just wanted to say, you have the power within you to get what you want from life, you have proved it so far.

My mother remarried when she was 53 and she - sorry but used to describe to me their endless sex until they reached 80....there are many men desperate for company, but find one good man desperate for company, not just a desperate man

OP - I know the feeling of having no choices, of being lonely in a life that you didn't quite plan, though it's a very different situation.

One thing that might help is to think of the alternative universe where the ex stuck around until now, and left now. Compared with that - you're three years further along on the single journey. Every week that passes makes it more likely you will meet somebody else.

When you feel stuck and trapped, you still have agency. Can you get a babysitter so you can go out, even if it's not on dates? It will start to feel less like a grind if you organise some breaks where you are just you, and not a parent. Sleepovers at your siblings' homes - and them coming to you - so there are more adults around for breakfast and lunch?

There are lots of types of families OP - lots aside from the perfect/imperfect version the movies sell you.

There is someone out there who envies what you have. So embrace it. And it’s ok to feel lonely and to cry.

The adage that the grass is greener exists for good reason though.

Wow! That’s a sad perspective.

I feel genuinely fortunate for my relationship, even more so after reading your post. I’m 26 years in, 10 years married, and we’re great together. Equals. I honestly believe that.

Life isn’t easy, but we’re doing get through it together.

I grew up in a broken home, but I feel that put me on the right path to find my perfect husband.

I’m one of many who have loving relationships, none of my friends have divorced and are all happily married.

There’s someone out there for everyone. Just need to find them.

Feel your pain OP.

I’m late twenties but divorced and have 2 dc (youngest I have full time). I went through a long stage of bereaving the family life which I had always wished for.

Now, after being cheated on so many times and being the one always putting one sided effort into relationships, my mindset has changed. I’m happy by myself bar the occasional ping of loneliness and have decided to only use men when it benefits myself.

I agree with all the positive stuff that's already been said and would add that you're allowed to have a downer (most of us do every now and then) so don't fight it but wake up tomorrow with this one behind you. When (not if!) you meet someone, you'll be able to take your time before deciding if he's worth taking a chance on - you've already got a beautiful daughter so no pressure to rush into anything. You sound a lovely, caring person and deserve to be happy 💐

Well, single mum here and I met a great guy at 42 with two kids and no nights off ever etc. So you’re not undesirable at all.

However I still often feel very lonely. The enormity of what I’ve gone through alone anyway and that it is still ultimately on me, is exhausting.

So I guess I wanted to make both points to you, and wave from the loneliness while showing hope.

Is part of this because your ex is so flaky about contact? If you had regular contact then you could some sort of social life, but as it is you dont but he can live the high life and play Disney Dad when it suits him?

That would fuck anyone off. But if you have enough money perhaps you could look at a regular babysitter and get on some paid for dating apps. I say paid for because the men on there tend to be more genuine than the arseholes you get on Tinder et al

hugs of course you’re not being unreasonable. I sometimes think if anything happened to DH I’d have to move my (single) SIL in - single parenthood looks so flipping hard.

You already know this, but it’s worth reiterating:

1. no man is better than many men (for some reason, particularly the husbands of mumsnetters!?)
2. you do not know what is going on inside other people’s relationships. I’ve seen pregnancy announcements following hot on the heels of the discover of an affair, a marriage (after 11 years) followed by an almost immediate acrimonious divorce, and that’s not even accounting for the daily carborundum of irritation that is reality for many people
3. in about five years, loads of people will be getting divorced! Suddenly there will be lots of dads back on dating scene

Right now, your child is still really young. I’d try to totally park dating as a concept until they go to secondary school. Maybe try some counselling to give you breathing room. Try to fit some exercise around work - I was and would be so much fitter and thinner without DH’s influence… When your LO is off to secondary school, it’s hunting season!

FWIW, my parents divorced in their early 40s, both remarried around 50 and have very happy blended families on both sides! My mum especially adores having heaps of grandchildren around - doesn’t bother her at all that only two of them are her own blood!

Honestly? It rarely works out how we thought it would. Life really is unpredictable. But you know what? You're doing ok. You really are. Thankful you are ok money wise and that you've a glorious 5 year old!

As for relationships, they're not all that all the time. Yes, it would be lovely to have someone to rely on, to share with but in reality there's not many out there who live up to our hopes. All I can recommend is recapture that strength you once had, the determination to see things good. Then if you are able to get a sitter, get out there again and have a bit of life as you, not just mum. Join groups, meet people (often the best relationships are formed out of friendship first) and if feeling brave, get on the dating scene. Just don't feel rotten if you don't meet anyone good enough - and set your bar high, you deserve it. Don't settle for anything less because you feel lonely.

You can't possibly promise that for the OP or anyone!

OP be kind to yourself.

You are still young and plenty of time to find your forever after partner.

You have a DC coming to the end of the 0-5 year intensive age… there will be time for you and to date again.

Your child is 5, so I’m assuming now attends school. Do you have the opportunity to meet other parents, ideally single dads for instance, who take kids to swimming lessons, dance classes, other after school activities? I found I bumped into many of the school Dads at these things. Got chatting and if I was not married, I most certainly would have taken a fancy to one or two of them and asked them out.

@Sosaddj take your kid to after school activities, you’ll meet like minded nice men (to potential date) as well as women friends.

Im the most stone cold witch ever but even I got a twinge of sadness from your post.
You will meet your person, theres a time and season for everything. You are in your mum era right now. The romantic one is yet to come if you want it

Awww OP I really felt your emotions in that post. I know its the done thing to say how great single life is and all the benefits of it, but I absolutely know what you mean, there’s a certain intimacy (not necessarily sexual) to a romantic relationship that you just can’t fulfil via platonic friendships and family.

You’re only 40, you have quite a lot of time ahead of you to develop a long lasting romantic relationship.

OP wants a partner. Thats what she wants.

People on this thread telling her people in relationships are secretly miserable behind closed doors isn’t helpful. Plus it’s not true. Sure some might be unhappy but many are very contented and it’s ok to want that for yourself.

As a lone parent I can tell you that what it is, is inappropriate. Do you really not think that op is very aware of this fact and did not actually need it spelling out to shut her up?

Are there any single mums where your DC goes to school ? If so arrange going to the park or days out with them and their DC

A lot of people do want a partner, so don't feel bad, or let people say you're being silly to feel upset-yes, we see lots about not having to have one now, but a lot of scientists say the norm for humans is to pair bond. Some people say they're happy alone, and good for them if they are, but you're certainly not weird to want a partner. Some of the busiest, strongest widows, with good careers and hobbies, still say they'd give it all up to have their husband back.

If you have a bit of money get a delivery pizza, you've earned it! Five year olds are lovely but it is hard being the chief cook bottle washer and morale police, I get it. You're doing a good job and it's alright to feel low. I think this hot week has made us all a bit more sad on some ways because we are not used to it and there is pressure to enjoy every moment when all the crap still has to be dealt with x

No it’s not! Maybe reread what you’ve written and check your comprehension skills

Tomorrow is another day - take each day as it comes and draw on the strength you clearly have. Go on that family holiday if you can afford it, and lean on your family if they will let you. Make your own luck by trying to dip your toe in the dating pool, very gently. You're having a bad day today, but you won't have bad days every day - you may even look back on today from a happier future and smile at how sad you were on that one day. Good luck! Lots of Mumsnetters are thinking of you.