I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

Ah, I am sorry op. I am married and have been with him for 22 years but feel utterly alone; the buck always stops with me. I don’t say that to have a moan but just to highlight that you never know what is going on in others’ lives, we all have hidden sadnesses and struggles. Some days they hit hard 🌺

I empathise with you OP, we were not created to be alone. You wanting a relationship, a partnership is normal. Maybe I’m odd, but I don’t think any number of hobbies etc will that hole, they are good, but there is still a partner sized hole missing. Try dating sites (be careful lots of frogs, but there are still good men out there, great men in fact). I pray that you find a loving partner, someone to do life with. God bless you OP and I am very hopeful you will find someone.

@Sosaddj
I remember feeling like you, a long time ago.
It was a Bank holiday, I was staring through the window, watching all my neighbours getting in their cars with kids & going out for the day. I was sad.. until I noticed that lots of them were yelling at each other! I took the rose tinted specs off & thought yes, I might not be at the seaside or wherever, but I'm home, my little one was happy, & all was peaceful.. big hugs.

@Sosaddj I can only offer you a handheld and empathize, since im in a very similar situation- a few years older than you, divorced, and have 2 children. I have dipped my toe into online dating a few times and emerged more scarred than before, and now close to calling it quits on that front as well.

The "having someone to come home to" is so real. I feel like I start my second shift (as a mother and cook) when I return home after a long day at work. I recently went on a short road trip with a colleague and even found that- someone other than an Uber driver driving me around - so special. It hardly ever happens. Making and executing plans with another adult as to how to spend holidays or a weekend - dont remember what that was like. I feel like the single point of failure in everything related to my children or me.

I wish I could say otherwise, but I agree that several men on OLD apps may avoid the hassle of dating someone with young children - and the scheduling issues that may come with it. Although, you may have better availability than I do since my children are with me nearly all the time since their dad only has them very occasionally. Meeting someone organically would be nicer.

If you can, I would suggest you might consider looking for short term relationships for the time being, if these may be a diversion. I tried a couple, didnt really work for me. I also realise i am seeking validation by wanting people (especially men) to appreciate me, and find me attractive, which isn't a good thing.

Op, many of us who raise children alone feel down from time to time. The fact that other people have it worse doesn’t meant that you should be counting your blessings, we cannot bottle up our feelings just because other people are more miserable. It is perfectly healthy to allow yourself to feel sad tonight, accept the feeling (it is healthy to do so), have a good cry and go to sleep, tomorrow will be another day.

Having said that… whatever you do, don’t feel pity for yourself, that’s the absolute killer.

This is such a thoughtless response. It is not a good position to be in, to be a solo parent. If I end up in hospital tomorrow or die, what happens to my baby?

Thats not to say I'm ungrateful, I'm incredibly grateful for my beautiful boy, I love him endlessly, but its not a good position to be in.

But it isnt necessarily. So why promise that it is? You got lucky, good for you. Not everyone else is, surely you can see that?

Sending you a hug OP 🤗💖

I’m just giving the alternative to the awful. It is out there for everyone.

Sending you a hug OP 🫂 it's ok to feel sad about the things in your life that haven't gone the way you would like. It's ok to feel that it gets you down being the one with all the responsibility and not having the support of a partner. These things are hard to bear sometimes.

Having said that, I don't think your characterisation of yourself as an unappealing prospect is true - you sound like a warm, kind, intelligent, caring woman with a lot of love to give. You're responsible, solvent, can take care of yourself and you're a loving parent. You sound like you have an awful lot to offer actually!

I think you're looking at other 'happy families' through rose tinted spectacles, which is understandable but the reality is they probably have plenty of their own problems. Relationships can be hard work and are no guarantee of not feeling lonely, or of feeling supported. I bet there are a few who envy and admire you.

You are still young and can absolutely meet someone and have a relationship with someone wonderful. Why not dip your toe into the dating world and see what happens?

I didn’t mean to be hurtful. You just implied that good relationships are hard to come by given those you’ve witnessed.

Yes, I’m delighted to be able to be smug as you call it. I hope everyone also finds their one.

OP - I'm about a decade older than you and observing so many relationships crumble at this stage. Try not to assume that it's great for the others in partnerships. Many of them will have their turn, sadly.

You are clearly very strong and it will get better 💐

@Sosaddj I know what you mean. Im 45 and im a single parent to two pre teens. It is really sad but the only person that considers my feelings at all in this life is my youngest. We are on holiday and he noticed i take pictures of them all the time but no one ever takes a picture of me. So he did take a few.

I think I don't feel as sad as you though. Ive accepted my fate that i might never meet my person. I don't even have close parents/siblings so my support network is a bit thin. I wont compromise on shared values and emotional intelligence though and there just arent many men like that around.

Do you think you feel sad about your situation because you know you have so much love to give? So much to offer a partner?

I didn’t meet my now husband till my late 30s and I was alone (no kids) for over a decade. I felt very sad about this, and was incredibly lonely, but after meeting my husband, I realised that I absolutely did deserve a wonderful relationship, I had so much love to give and I treasure feeling loved in return. I wasn’t entirely sure I was capable of loving someone so much before that.

Realise your value instead of thinking you & your child won’t be an attractive package for a man. Build up your self esteem. Look at what you do have: a child, a home, good job, no money worries, you have friends and family. This all sounds like a great achievement to me. Start looking for groups you might like to join. Shared interests are a great way to connect with others. And you could ask your friends if they know any good men they could fix you up with.

I think that as you build your self esteem, good things will start to happen for you.

Excellent, good for her & by no means unusual regarding her sex life with the right partner.

You dont know that they are happily married, just that they are married.

My friends thought that ex and I were happily married because I didnt tell them that he was beating (literally) black and blue on a regular basis and I was a fucking master at make up.

I hope that your smugness never bites you on the arse, I truly do, but it could so maybe you could be a bit more humble.

Big hug. New day in the morning and all that. As others have said count your blessings. Do try to go on the family holiday. Others will scoop your little one up, you will have time for adult chat and maybe some time alone. Take care of yourself. Hormones can start playing up at your age. Do you have time for a hobby? Is your little one in school yet? Built the life you want around what makes you happy and some lucky bloke will turn upto share it with you. If he’s good enough that is!

I'm sorry you are feeling low about this, and it is certainly understandble to feel like this once in a while. But, you are romanticizing relationships - they can be lovely, but many women stay in unhealthy unhappy relationships, and you are not one of them. And, 40 is so young! People - men and women - are looking for love and care at every stage in life, and if you are open to it, you will meet the right person. It took me until 47 to meet a kind, decent man and to be in a loving, healthy relationship. I spent a lot of time with a giant toad, and that's the price I had to pay. You have a lovely DD who is happy and well-adjusted, she is completely dependent on you right now but that will change soon too, and you will have more and more time and independence back and time to meet someone too. There will be love and romance in your life. Just give it time and be open to it.
In the meantime, enjoy your DD, friends and family (go on the big family holiday - tell them if you think the price you're paying is not a fair one - they'll appreciate it surely?).
Above all, be kind to yourself, and stay positive. Hugs.

You've been through a tough 5 years. In my experience things become easier from school age onwards.

I found that as my children developed close friendships, I gained a small support network. Long playdates and car shares to Brownies are a real blessing! Our school Wattsapp occasionally gets a frantic voice message from someone stuck in traffic asking if one of us could have their child for 20 mins and no one bats an eyelid as we dont all have support on tap. Helping each other gets easier as they get older.

Also, you're in the 'family weekend' phase where everyone's weekend looks like a cosy family picnic at a National Trust property and looking in on that can be quite lonely. You are about to enter the 'total chaos' phase where most people are back working full time and parents are pulled in every direction to cover various children's extra curricular activities. Other people's weekends no longer look so appealing and somehow thats made life easier for me.

Aww op. It’s ok to feel like this on some days. I think probably seeing people out in good weather and atmosphere had something to do with it . You do have a lot to be grateful for and it’s also ok to feel like this too.

Well that is very lovely for you but making comments like that - that my husband leaving me and the next one abusing me - makes you feel better for getting it right and thereby implying I got it wrong because I somehow didn't find the 'right path to find my perfect husband' - puts you on the list of couples I am not envious of. I could never endure a partner that posted such hurtful and smug words on the internet to a stranger.

I'm sorry OP, I am one of the few who clicked yabu. This is simply because nowadays there is so much you can do to meet prospective partners. You
mentioned close friends & relatives. Are you too proud to admit how you are feeling. You could ask them to help with child care occasionally to allow you to go out & meet people. I know online dating is not for everyone & it can be a hit or a miss but if you are dilegent you can like two of my friends & one relative meet great long lasting matches.

It can be very lonely being a single mum and some days, weeks are tough. But bad days / weeks do pass and I bet you have a really lovely strong bond with your child. Maybe you will, maybe you won't meet someone in the future. But build a happy life for you and your child, fake it til you make it, there will be ups and downs.

My best friend often feels the same way. We live in a family centred couple centred world. She always feels sad that no one has their main holiday with her.
if you want love look for it. You sound like a lovely person. There are lovely caring men out there - you are enough but I think it could change if you need something different.
all the love x