I think I’ve finally broken, so sad and so alone

I felt the same way when I realised I was totally on my own with a small child. I felt like I’d lost being in my prime and there was no hope - lifelong dream being married with kids. I’m closer to your age now but DD is 14. I’ve had no decent relationships since and I’ve been at the point for several years now that I don’t want one. I’m stable and happy on my own. I do get horribly lonely sometimes but it does pass and I enjoy my own space and having time to myself when she’s in school. Her “D”F disappeared 7 years ago. The sheer weight of responsibility does weigh heavily on me constantly. But I’ve had no one to take care of me for so long that I’m used to it. I’ve mitigated my responsibility with reminders, accounting down to the penny and always making sure I’m on top of any problem that pops up. Most everyone I know has found someone by now, married and had several kids. My life is nowhere near what I planned but I cope with it as best as I can. I am a lone parent 24/7.
You still do have time to find what you want, don’t count yourself out yet.

My husband had an affair when my youngest was 5. Met a lovely man a year later. We lived in our own homes as both had kids. Still live in our own homes, my daughter is now 21. Maybe we will move in together one day...
So I would recommend if you find someone stay in your own home, best of both worlds so make sure they are solvent and have their own place.
Good luck.

I think you are grieving a life that you wish you had and that you were about to have.

I think it is hard when you have a 2 year old. As you don’t get the response back. I was on your shoes in my 20s. When my child was about 6 and could talk and we had days out, and she wasn’t in nappies and we could sit at child friendly restaurants, I felt less lonely. And I have always leaned on friends for adult conversations so that has helped.

Im sorry you feel this way. It’s normal and a chance for you to reflect on what you really want. Whilst also accepting that you have a wonderful child and there is a future for you.

@Sosaddj same here unfortunately, nearly 10 years single. Really felt it recently on a girls night out with everyone chatting about their husbands/partners. I've done it all myself, the kids are wonderful too. However id never want them to go through what ive been through doing it all alone.

Thought id found the love of my life but he just realised he wanted more time/attention from someone so started to fade me out. Broke my heart really but I get it, its not easy to take on someone with kids.

I think you have to cry it out then think tomorrow is another day. Plus 40 is young, so maybe still try online dating etc.

@pickalillyspooon your post is full of warmth, compassion and understanding, whilst also stating the fact that not everything is what it seems.

OP I was a single parent from the off. I did have the Father of my children living with me but that was all he did, then after 16 years I kicked him out, so then I was ‘alone’. It is tough, incredibly tough. You talk about being someone’s second choice, maybe you need to work on your self esteem (I say this because I also feel this way). Meeting someone is not easy but not unattainable. Believe me 40 is young! Good luck OP. Enjoy your DD.

I know exactly what you mean about the feelings of it all being on you. It’s so hard when there is no one to share the workload of a house and a child. I lived alone for many years and was constantly frightened of rising costs or something going wrong I couldn’t fix. Making every decision yourself is very tiring.

it might not seem like it now but life will change and it won’t always be like this. I spent so much time worrying about the future and it was such a waste of time.

Wishing you lots of good things for the future.

Hopefully this is just a blip you are going through and your body and mind just need a good release to reset your energy. You are allowed to have a good cry and reflection.
but remember you are doing a great job.
if you can afford to go on the holiday then please go. Maybe even hint to your family that you are feeling lonely and down about not having someone to share the load with.

they probably just see you as being on top of things and don’t realise that you are missing something. Maybe they will know someone you could date or babysit for you

Wow. I havent decided if you are troll on a wind up or just a smug arsehole who thinks they know it all. Either way, remember that pride comes before a fall. And I hope that yours is a very long fall indeed.

I met the most amazing partner when I was 39, a chance encounter. Still very happy 6 years later. But before I met him I felt very much like you do now. Don’t give up hope.

So explain what you meant by "change your criteria" please.

You’re literally at the hardest moment right now. It starts to get easier quite quickly. Hang in there.

Yes, from your writing, I would find you difficult to partner.

However, if you wind your neck in and just appreciate life and don’t be naive then you’ll find your one.

Wishing you all the best.

@Ace56post may sound a little harsh but there is some truth in it.

people very rarely “have it all” and we do all focus on the thing we don’t have.

But you’re feeling sad about it and I get it. I don’t want to minimise it. I’m not in your position but I can understand how you feel.

For what it’s worth: I feel I may be in your position soon, but with very little family and very little money!

I’m married to a lovely man. Been married for 15 years and have 3 young kids.

Unfortunately a few years ago when we were going through a bad patch he cheated on me and lied about it. I found out about it last year but still don’t know the full extent of it due to his lying I’ll never know if he’s telling the truth or not.

we do all the things you talk about; get in th car together and decide who’ll drive, pop to the shops if I’ve forgotten something.

But I can’t get over the fact that he chose a bit of excitement with another woman over me.

im anxious and my confidence has been obliterated and I just can’t live with this, despite also not knowing how I will manage on my own.

so in a lot of ways I have the “togetherness” that you covet….but it’s superficial. I guess I don’t really have it. And that is also very painful. With the added fear of what’s to come.

I don’t know, I don’t want to seem like I’m minimising your sadness, I’m not, I get it. But remember, things can change in an instant. Just keep doing your best for you and your little one and you never know what’s round the corner.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Life can be so unfair. I hope tomorrow is better.

And women having too high standards isn't the issue. Women should up their standards, not lower them.

Wow, so basically your idea of "finding love" is "lower your standards love, someone will have you eventually".

I feel sorry for the Op for her loneliness but I feel worse for you.

ETA FFS there is no "one" for everyone!! We could all click with many many people if the timing, the location and the desire is there in both people at the same time. Otherwise it is literally a "Well there is no one better right now" and then sign off on the deal! How can someone be (I am guessing due to your relationship length) roughly my age and not get that! I am over your smugness but your naivety is off the fucking scale!

I haven’t read the whole thread but I read your first post. When reading it I thought WOW! You are still only 39 years old with a 5 year old and you’re financially independent/safe. I am 51 and my child has left for uni. I am married but I earn no money so am completely reliant on him. Oh to be in my late 30’s again! Oh to have a daughter who is 5 again to spend magic times with! I know this is over-fantasising the reality because I know it is day to day hard and lonely but you have choices - everyday. I can’t choose to be in my 30s again and I can’t choose for my child to be back with me. I can’t choose to spend my money as I wish. You ARE SO LUCKY!!! go to bed saying 5 things your grateful for every day.

You say you didn't mean to be hurtful but anyone with any kind of tact or emotional intelligence whatsoever could not have read the OP, read my post and then posted what you posted.

And you are still commenting that everyone has their person, they just need to find them etc. Something that you have no evidence for and no authority to declare and only makes those who have had bad experiences, and been brave enough to share, feel much worse and at fault.

Tactless, insensitive, wrong and, yes, smug. You haven't even 'completed' your marriage yet so you cannot speak with any authority that you have it all correct. I hope you do, but I just can't believe the sheer audacity of you to say others could find a perfect man if they just tried.

Personally I could never live in a house or flat where I was the only adult. I’ve always lived in busy households and would find that intensely lonely and isolating.

Could you get a lodger or students so it isn’t just you and your DC at home? I know some would worry about safety with a young child but I know others who’ve done this for extra income.

@BinNightTonight This is such a thoughtless response. It is not a good position to be in, to be a solo parent. If I end up in hospital tomorrow or die, what happens to my baby?

This is a real concern that is a byproduct of loneliness, and there are a lot of people who erroneously think that loneliness is not an issue.

I imagine the solution to this would be to have a circle of people that you are actively surrounded by, so that if something did happen to you (which we hope it doesn't), then your baby would not be alone for long before being discovered.

So sorry to read this.
Do you have good female friends to go out with, have a laugh and a joke, a curry and a glass of wine?

(I too broke this weekend, over something completely different - my medical condition that is ruining my life! )

I hear you, I see you. I have been where you are. It’s so so tough. Allow yourself to be sad and have that time to let your emotions take over. It’s important to let things out, to name your sadness and fatigue and all the awful feelings about why life went this way and how unfair it feels, how everyone else living their lives doesn’t know what it’s like to be you, in your place.

Because you know that in the morning you’ll be there, as ever, for your child, smiling, kind and loving. Being a good mum to them. You’re allowed to take time out for your own feelings and it’s important that you do.

I definitely recommend counselling, if you can find a way to get that space for yourself. Just being able to say things out loud, to another adult, who isn’t a friend or relative or colleague or nursery worker, is invaluable. It helps you come to terms with the present and face your future. There are people here who understand. Keep posting. And keep going, because life goes up and down and then up again. I promise.

I live alone (no children) and I love it.

I can fully empathise tho about the not having someone to rely on. All the bills, house maintenance, socialising, any illness, and in your case, child care. There is noone to pass responsibility to.

All you can do (I find) is future proof yourself a little. Have your savings (which you seem to), have a dial a pizza delivery place, look for a reliable handyman, and reliable childcare.

Small (smart) things can take those burdens off, just as youre about to tip.

Few months ago, I had been quite sick with a flu. I was strewn in bed the Saturday morning, red faced, coughing, snot, feverish etc. I had to get 2 new tyres on the front of my car. It had an NCT the following week and Sat was the only day the garage was open and that I could get in. I had to get up (state of me), drive 30 mins, and get those dang tyres. No, I didn't go into the waiting room. I have family and friends who could have helped, but didn't want to burden anyone (unless it's a medical emergency).

Few weeks after that flu, all my glands swelled up and I had a bad fever. I got myself to a doctor, in and out by myself.

The above are only examples. I've plenty!

I am a strong oak. I built a whole house on my own too.

Altho fleeting moments, I wouldn't change it. If someone worth while came along, I'd be open. But that's a diamond in the rough and I can't rely on what ifs, so I get on and enjoy life. I'm not going to waste my years grieving for a different life.

No, I don’t think can see that.

Those that have been unsuccessful in love, should change their criteria and get out when that criteria isn’t met (its obvious after 6 months if it’ll work). Only stop looking when they’ve found their one.

I think that you should go on the family holiday.
I know some people who have no opportunity for holidays.
Plus, you never know who you may meet. Perhaps someone to inspire you, someone for a chat, something in nature ?