AIBU to think my SIL was rude about my clothes?

Are you the SiL?

Agreed. It’s the ultimate cop out non-explanation for someone else’s behaviour, the kind of thing mums used to tell a small child when other children were mean to them eg ‘They’re just jealous of your lovely red hair!’

I think SIL thinks you are very badly dressed and is embarrassed by you. It sounds as though she thinks you are stingy about spending money on clothes and are looking dated and dowdy.
Are you a bit depressed? Have you given up on caring how you look?
Your SIL is tired of seeing your hibiscus dress. She thinks you need a refresh, because you look stale.
( three quarter leggings? Really? I didn’t know they still existed. )

No, because the advice is unsought in either case. In my imaginary scenario, the relative who writes is perfectly happy pottering away at writing stories as an amateur, and I’m assuming on no evidence, that she wants to be me.

I mean, I love what I do, but it would be a bit much to assume that someone who does a bit of writing for her own amusement wants to do six or seven rounds of revisions, axe 30,000 words of subplot because it doesn’t work, deal with my agent saying the ending is too chilly etc etc.😀

You’re not in the minority. There’s just a strong contingent of the “you go gurl” brigade who are convinced that anyone being rude is doing so because they’re secretly jealous of their target.

It’s one of those odd MN phenomenon, sister of the if you live in a nice house and go on holiday then you must be a a ton of credit card debt trope and cousin to the your DH is obviously cheating on you and will leave you for his assistant if you’re a SAHM tale.

no there’s not - but frankly its a more likely scenario than the SIL who the OP describes as being fashionable and dressing nicely being jealous of the OP who wears dated clothes.

The OP says she’s not upset so the best thing to do is for her to behave like an adult and ask the the SIL to stop. All this I’m sure the OP could clap back rhetoric is nonsense. The OP had already said the SIL looks nice

I see I’m in the minority for thinking badly phrased and not too mature but seems to be trying to help? For what it’s worth some of these linen trousers are very comfortable, but I’m a linen trousers wearer 😁

I’d actually say it’s not that similar to your example. OP isn’t trying to be fashionable, she’s just wearing clothes she likes to cover her body - a requirement we all adhere to each day. She doesn’t care what’s “in” not do her clothes impact anyone else in the slightest.

Your example of writing books is slightly different in that it’s a chosen hobby and generally something people try to improve at (professional or not). It also affects the people reading it as to whether it’s good or bad, generally something that gains consensus.

That’s so rude! Where does she get off saying that to people?!

I don’t think there’s any evidence she’s ‘jealous’, she just thinks the OP needs fashion advice and is tactless enough to keep offering it, unasked.

I agree with @DancingNotDrowning — that it’s a matter of tactlessness and the assumption that someone must want to be as good at something as you believe yourself to be. I write novels for a living. It would be like me discovering that an extended family member wrote short stories for her own amusement and insisting on giving her my opinion, unasked, on how they could be improved to publishable standard. And when she said no, she wasn’t interested, saying ‘Oh, come on — sometimes we all need an outside pair of eyes!’

Doesn't sound like op's shorts were inappropriate. SIL needed to keep her opinions to herself. Fashionable as she thinks she is, I'm sure op could have found some things/details to comment on herself but had more decorum than that!

Or sometimes when people are good at something they assume everyone wants to be good at it to and so like to encourage others.

I’m not suggesting that the SIL is going about it in the right way, but there’s no indication that the SIL is jealous and lacking in self esteem.

alternatively perhaps the shorts weren’t appropriate, for example I can imagine a scenario where someone might think saying “you’re brave wearing those shorts” feels like a more palatable option than “I can see your butt cheeks hanging out and it’s not a great look”.

Exactly that, "SIL I don't know about my clothes, but your personality has never been in style!"

Sorry you had to deal with that op, what a piece of work. People that try to bring others down that way have issues. She is jealous of your confidence, and sounds very insecure. She is hiding behind fashion and caring what others think, where as you are confident in yourself. I understand some people being into fashion, but her remarks give her insecurity away, no need for them.

Yeah I’m not sure I know it’s comforting for the op to think these things, but I suspect the opposite is true, she feels superior to the op due to the way the op dresses, and is showing that superiority in the comments, and offer to help.

i think all this she’s jealous low self esteem is just an attempt to make the op feel better, but she will know it’s unlikely to be th3 case.

yes usually bitchy comments do come from jealoosy and insecurity, low self esteem, but in this context, it doesn’t really work. Because she is into fashion, her appearance is important to her, which is not a negative or sign of low self esteem in many cases, (for example my appearance it’s important to me, and I’ve a very high level of self esteem, and self confidence ) and the op dresses in a dated manner, so I’d say this is about superiority and pity.

😆Do you post of S&B ? Most people won't give a damn what someone elses let alone what 'image they are trying to project'

She is extremely rude. And I would be telling her so.

Thank you.

I've seen someone making similar comments about other women at our local gym. The other women are all appropriately dressed for their workouts.

This.

So what if the OP looks 'dated' not everyone is a slave to fashion. The SiL sounds very shallow and quite thick.

She may not be jealous of the leggings or dress, but she clearly wants to put OP down. Saying someone is "brave" for wearing something isn't being kind or jokey. It's being passive aggressive.

I suspect she has quite low self-esteem herself and is envious of OP's confidence and her laid back attitude towards her clothes. People who are happy in themselves don't feel the need to criticise and poke fun at others.

this, well said. The sil isn’t jealous of the ops old and much loved dress or 3 quarter length leggings and it’s silly to pretend that’s the case.

i strongly suspect she’s quite a jokey character, and is trying to help, the comments are meant as light hearted,. But the comments are very rude as the op doesn’t find them funny and doesn’t want help.

she just needs to take her aside and say I find the comments hurtful, i am happy with how I dress and don’t need help, please stop commenting. I would imagine she will apologise, and be a little embarassed, then they can just move on.

Same here. It's a kind of uniform, isn't it, for things like a play date. Not everyone wants or needs to display their fashion currency at any given moment, particularly when practicality and washability are more relevant.

@UninterestedInFashion tell her you don't care about all that stuff. I tell people sometimes that my clothes are older than they are :) They are what I like and better quality than the poorly made stuff you get now. Only t shirts and stuff but I like them
If that is all she has to worry about, she's lucky.

Sounds like my ex-SiL. Rude.

Come on people 😂

the OP has said she’s not very fashionable and doesn’t follow fashion. She describes wearing some quite dated styles whilst describing her sil as always looking nice.

SIL is not jealous. Pretending that she is or that 3/4 leggings are fashionable anywhere outside the gym is absurd.

The OP is not into fashion - that’s fine. The SIL is, encouraging OP to make snide comments about her SILs taste is going to backfire.

being honest that she’s happy as she is would serve her much better