AIBU to compare myself to a seemingly perfect family?

For the second time today I would like to recommend a book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It helped me figure out what was important to me, set goals accordingly, and once I had done that my comparison with other people just stopped from one day to the next. Because I wasn't trying to measure up to other people I was measuring up against myself.

They may or may not have the perfect life , but it’s not going to improve yours by sizzling away comparing - you need to maybe think about aspects OP you can do something about - if it’s looks, then have a mental glow up ( go through your wardrobe and get rid of anything that makes you feel frumpy, book yourself in that dance class, go and get your hair done, treat yourself !! ) if it’s work, any cheap courses you can do, change of job etc - if it’s holidays-take delight in finding total bargains, have more 4 day breaks than 2 weekers - basically find what it is that can give you a lift within your life’s it is. You sound lovely by the way -and I do get where you are coming from - mine comes from a place where a lot looked great to others but underneath simply wasn’t - so I learnt to change the things I could change

I learned a very long time ago that the majority of the time those who seem like "perfect" families are often far from perfect.

Every single "gush about how perfect my life is" family that I've known has always ended in divorce, someone cheating, hidden abuse etc. It's something that I now always have in the back of my mind when meeting these types.

Many people make assumptions about my family all the time, we both work from home, dress alternative, have weird decor, don't gush about each other in person or on social media etc. When in reality my husband is kind, supportive, hands on and our son is exceeding all expectations in home education, we travel and have some absolutely awesome experiences, I wouldn't trade our beautiful little life for all the "perfect" in the world, I'll take my messy kitchen, tough times and hashing out relationship problems with someone who wants the best for us at 2am over appearances any day.

I think very few people imagine a “perfect life” to mean untouched by sadness, disappointment, hurt and fear. Rather they mean a life that is happy, productive and filled with love, joy and hope with a resilience and strength that allows them to navigate the highs and lows of real life.

I’ve had some trauma and dreadful sadness in my life but would describe my life as pretty near perfect.

Stop comparing your private inside world to other people's public one would be a start.
We were the family you describe. In front of other people.
After that, focus on your own life and what you're doing. If there's things you'd like to change and can, then do it. Then concentrate on the good things about your own life, partner and DC, and enjoy them, rather than be distracted by looking past them at someone else's.

I left exDP. I’m very unwell but happy. Thanks for asking.

People defo think this is us (it’s been said a few times) and it’s hilarious to me. We are far from chilled and relaxed but for some reason people think we are. My kids can be not well behaved but seem to save it for us at home so people think they’re angels because they hold it together when we’re in public. We do technically have a good work : life balance but what they don’t see is the chaos at home. No one’s life is as perfect as you think so pls try to not compare

So instead of comparing yourself to them and sitting in awe; what are you going to do to make your situation better?

Pick one thing you could do better and change it?

I certainly know someone who was very jealous of my lifestyle - amazing foreign holidays, very academic and hard working kids, nice house etc. I was living with domestic abuse. Nobody knew. I was very good at having a sunny successful happy exterior. I eventually imploded.

Rather than representing a 'perfect' life they have something you don't - a second child. The 'what ifs' are totally understandable in that situation.

The next obvious question is - what does 'perfect' mean? Never feeling any pain? Always enjoying everything no matter what?

Some people definitely have a harder time than others. But in my forty plus years I have never seen a single shred of evidence that the perfect life exists. It 100% does not.

No one knows what goes on between closed doors, if they’re both respectful and care for each other then I can see how this works.
Try pinpointing the issue in your life, also
look around at other families, jealousy is a horrible trait, if you’re jealous then go volunteer at a food bank.

I hate this sort of inevitable reply.

OP, they may well be everything you think they are and more and let's hope so.

But their happy sorted lives don't detract from yours

Some people do make it as perfect as possible though. There's a luck element, health problem or death in the family are not something you have power over.

Of course there are negative moments, but some people spend less time than others dwelling on them, and some people are just more active - or haven't settled for something so they are genuinely happy with what they got.

Take holidays with kids: some posters on here will scream that it's the worst possible experience in their life, same shit in a different place and hate them (easy answer, don't go)
For many families, holidays are a fantastic time and the best part of the year with their toddlers/ young or older children. They just plan differently , possibly have realistic expectations, agree that it takes a bit of work but it works beautifully

You can say that for everything, some people spend their evenings being active doing sport/ hobbies/ studies, others jsut want to watch tv. Give it 6 months a year, they won't have the same result.

Choices and priorities!

I thought my friend had the perfect family when we were kids, that her family was so happy and lucky compared to mine. I didn't find out what was really happening until we were adults. Turned out they were hiding so much pain, I was the one who was lucky.

When I got divorced lots of people told me they thought I’d had the perfect marriage.

no marriage is perfect. No person is perfect. Every human has times when they struggle emotionally.

It interests me that people believe that a 'perfect life' exists. How can you believe that? Do you genuinely believe it's possible for someone to get to 30 without experiencing sadness, disappointment, hurt and fear? How could that happen?

Very much agree. I had friends I idealised. Beautiful home, happy marriage, no money worries. Then one nIght her husband grabbed me and propositioned me, he had been drinking and said he’d been thinking about me for years. My vision of them fell apart, and the fact that she was quite keen to crack open the wine each night at 6pm suddenly seemed a bit sad rather than jolly. You literally never know what’s going on in other peoples lives.

I think you have to remember that what you see isn’t always the reality and everyone has challenges and you never know what others are going through. Some people might look at you with your happy family of three and wish they had that.
i remember when we were going through the terrible two/ three stage with dd1 with a newborn dd2 we went to a wedding. We had a row on the way because DH got the postcode wrong, I was wearing a dress that was difficult to breastfeed in but didn’t have anything else to wear and my dd1 was hard work, feisty and never did what she was told at home, although she was absolutely beautiful and adorable and sociable and an angel for anyone else or outside of the home. We did have good day although it was hard work. We saw some friends a couple of years later who had seen us having a lovely time with our adorable girls and who said we had inspired them to start a family as it looked so easy and we were enjoying family life. It makes me laugh as I look back on that time of chaos and think never again and from the outside it looked like fun chaos.
maybe try to look on it as a positive and think what do they do that you could emulate, or how nice it is to be friends with a happy couple, or who have nice well behaved children, or if you get to know them, you might find it that they are just muddling through and surviving like the rest of us, and they just look like they are doing well from the outside.

They sound nice. Why not make friends with them and learn from them?

What is that they have that you don’t? “Frumpy” could be worked on, maybe if you befriend her more she can inspire you