AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

I don’t know if this will help at all but I am a high earner married to an even high earner. However, while I shop with/for the rest of the family I have always found myself doing exactly what you say - looking only at reduced clothes, or at a push in supermarkets. I suspect it’s similar to my subconscious reasons - I don’t like myself visually (my middle aged body specifically), so I take no pleasure in dressing it.

Since I’ve become aware of this I have made a real effort (and it truly is an effort) to treat myself better in this way, and I have had a few mini shopping sprees solely focused on me, in nice shops. I still don’t enjoy it but I do make a point of telling myself I’m worth it, I deserve to have nice things too etc.

I can say 100% this isn’t anything that comes, consciously or subconsciously, from my husband - it’s all in my own head. He is confident and dresses well - I look at things and think oh that’s lovely, but it wouldn’t be on me….etc. I’m quite sad even typing this out and admitting it to myself but your post struck a chord with me.

I think you should go shopping without him and start to get some control back. It doesn’t sound like you’re restricted by him, it’s just you. Would it help to get an actual allowance of sorts so you know it’s ‘yours’?

I don't quite understand what you want, are you hoping your husband will insist you spend money on clothes, book your haircut, tell you that you look frumpy? He's told you to spend the money, you need to do it, book the appointment. He's told you look fine so it's about you and how you feel about yourself but you seem to be expecting other people to solve this for you. You seem to of told yourself that you're not worth spending money on. I feel that to a certain extent. I wouldn't spent hundreds on a dress or get my hair professionally coloured, but I do dye my hair, but a new mascara not and then, buy clothes when I want them. Maybe it's an age thing, I'm in my fifties and feel less attractive and I'm not so sure what my style is now. But I can figure that out and I'm happy generally with how I look. You need to do things for yourself I think, your husband and children love you and are used to you being how you are I assume.

Unnecessarily brutal imo. This has not happened because of being a Sahm. This was my mum when I was younger and she worked full time. Apart from the Sahm part, she could have written this exactly as you did.

While I appreciate that you’re trying to be “considerate” you are over-sacrificing, if that makes sense. And the reason nothing changes when you tell your husband is because he can’t make you change - this is your problem to overcome.

In my family, if my mum said “I like this but it’s not on sale” my dad would hear: “I like this but not enough to pay that price/its not worth what they’re asking” and then in the sale section “oh I don’t like any of this” he’s thinking: “she’s not really interested in anything in this shop, let’s move on”. They’re men, not mind readers. They need everything spelling out. “I love this dress.” You don’t have to say “but…” anything if you want it. Try it on. Decide if you want it.

And buy the groceries out of the joint account and spend all your money on yourself if your DH’s money covers the family spending. That’s covered, you don’t need to worry about it.

OP I think you should have a good think about what other ways you're martyring yourself within the family, because spending all your earnings on treats for the family while walking around in clothes four sizes to big and worrying about booking something as basic as a haircut is extreme. I'd expect you to do a bigger share of household tasks as you're part time, but are you constantly taking care of everything without any expectations of anyone else to do anything? Do you get the chance to do hobbies or go out and do things with friends?

Ultimately no one will respect you for martyring yourself in this way, if fact it's generally the opposite. You are also sending a message to your children that mothers are worth less than everyone else in the family. You need to start treating yourself as of equal importance to everyone else. I'd have a think about all the things you are stopping yourself from doing/ having and consider whether you would consider it unreasonable for any other family member to have them. I'm guessing the rest of the family have haircuts? Since your lack of earning power is bothering you maybe also spend some time thinking about what jobs you would like to do and what you would need to qualify for them. It's not impossible to change careers later in life. I had a complete career change when I was 40, which came with almost a doubling of my salary, I realise that you may be a bit older, but you shouldn't write off the idea of a career if that is what you want.

I think this honesty was perhaps a bit too 'brutal'. Lots of people make the choice to be SAHMs and yet don't necessarily end up with the sense of powerlessness and unimportance that you describe. You will have contributed so much to your children's lives and to your DH's life over these many years, and presumably your DH wanted you not to work, or at least agreed to it. You deserve to feel like an equal partner in your marriage.

You say you reckon it's more about you and your perceptions than about your DH. However, these things can be complicated. Often one person tells us they'd be fine with something changing but shows us something different through their actions. Or perhaps they are fine with something on a rational level but find themselves surprised by their emotional reactions when it happens. We get stuck in our habits and assumptions. It sounds like your DH is simply not used to considering your needs as important, and in a long marriage, a dynamic like that doesn't tend to be down to just one person, I suspect.

It is also possible that if your family budget only stretches to one person buying designer items at will and not two people, he is very used to and comfortable with being able to spend this much on himself without thought.... in which case he is going to need some re-educating on fairness.

In your shoes I think I would say directly to DH that I need a new wardrobe and that I intend to start shopping for more things for myself to meet that need. I would also say that I want to start booking regular hair appointments, that it is likely to cost x, and that I think it's important for my wellbeing. Don't frame it as asking permission but as giving him a heads up. If he is as supportive as you say, he will accept it. If he actually doesn't think you are entitled to these things, his reaction will show you that too. Either way, you'll know for sure whether he is part of the problem or not, and can then decide where to go from there.

You could just crack on and start spending without saying anything, and if you know you're within your family budget, that is something you would be well within your rights to do. But a conversation might help you feel more comfortable. (Unless, of course, your DH is actually a dick!)

Crucially you mustn't rely on him to think to get things for you, to linger in the right parts of the shop or to give you 'permission' to spend on yourself, because it sounds like he just won't. He isn't used to it and the new habit won't just appear out of nowhere on his part. Nor is it good to reinforce the notion that you need him to treat you or allow you to get things. You are a person in your own right. Your contributions to your family can't just be measured in money. And if it came to a divorce one day, you'd probably be entitled to half of it all, and rightly so! Know your worthc sister.

Hmm
I think therapy to unpack the why more. Is this you shrinking because there’s been financial abuse during your marriage or is it a self confidence thing? Also have you considered peri menopause if you are that age?

I sort of get it if it’s similar to my situation. I don’t work. My dh would think nothing of just buying whatever but I sometimes feel I need to ask or I shouldn’t have something because I didn’t earn it. That comes from me not him. He would say “just buy it”.

So I guess you need to figure out why and where this comes from before you can change it.

Dear lord now I’ve read it all. 😂 Poor helpless woman.

How can he do anything to change things? Surely it is up to you to buy your clothes, have your hair done, etc. People take you at your own estimation of yourself. Only you can change that. Find ways to boost your self-esteem, and the rest should folllow.💐

I think you need to start work on rebuilding yourself as an independent person. If your current employer can’t offer more hours, maybe look at other jobs? Enrol on some courses If necessary. Start to view yourself as an equal to your husband. Feeling guilty about buying a box dye, is sad and a bit silly. If you need to use a bra fitting, go ahead and do it! You don’t need anyone’s permission.

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way but you would be unreasonable to blame anyone else. You need to speak up and assert yourself. You may, like me, be someone who enjoys giving gifts and seeing loved ones get nice things, part of caring. Your husband is unlikely to be the same. You need to tell yourself that you deserve clothes which fit you and a haircut. You need to change how you behave the next time you are shopping, say you are off for a mooch round the ladies bit. Have a browse, pick up things you like, try them on. If you like them buy them.
If he suggests you shouldn’t buy them, ask why not and see where that conversation goes. If he actually refuses the purchase you have a bigger problem.
If he just doesn’t say anything then maybe point out later that a little bit of interest and encouragement would be nice.
If he is all for you making the purchases then you will be sure that you have been needlessly depriving yourself.
In case you have to get into a discussion some useful arguments are
-that over the years you have helped him shop and shop at a higher price point
-that if you wear more of your clothes and each garment more often then you get a more efficient cost per wear
-that unworn garments are money poured away
-that if he has so many clothes he may not know what he actually has
-that over the years you have not been high maintenance and you aren’t asking for anything unreasonable
I do love a bargain and will wait till be favourite companies have money off weekends or sales but it I need clothes to replace things which no longer fit then I will pay full price but not at anywhere much more expensive than fatface or Seasalt.
Can you tell that I have been there?

Should have added, if money is no problem, M&S much better than Primark!!

But at least start buying for yourself.

What do you do that there is no option of more hours? Is there nothing remotely related or using similar skills & experience?

Or is that you've hung on to some odd thing that pays better per hour for very few hours & don't want to accept starting again on minimum wage to open the door to better?

No, I don’t mean that at all - and I think you know that.

I mean that OP deserves a partner who meets her needs of feeling good and feeling valued. Those needs obviously aren’t being met, as she says she feels she needs to shrink herself more and more, and that she is seen as someone who cooks and cleans but hear appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter. That is really bloody sad to read.

Your partner should lift you up and support you, not make you feel like you want to shrink yourself!!

@centsandcentsilbilty would you consider therapy? I think that might be helpful. Do take your time to find the right therapist for you, who makes you feel comfortable and able to confide in them. Sorry if this has already been mentioned - I haven’t read the full thread.

You need to own this OP. YOU are holding yourself back. But you are now aware of this, so time to act on it.

This week:
Book the hairdresser. Get a good cut and blow dry.

Follow up in the coming weeks with:
Buy 2 good bras, and a nice set of knickers in the correct size
Buy a pair of jeans and a summer pants
Buy a dress and/or a summer skirt
Buy 2 tops to go with the jeans/pants/skirt
Buy a pair of trainers that will go with the jeans/pants

If you feel this is too much at once, at least try on these items and figure out your new size and what styles suit you.

Then browse on Vinted for bargains and purchase over a few weeks. Beware you won’t be able to return on Vinted, so you need to be very sure of your size and what suits you.

Primark prices are cheap, look around and find better quality items that suit you. I have gotten some nice tops and long skirts there over the years. Not everything there is for teenagers….
The advantage is you can return if you change your mind, so long not worn and tags still attached.

Go on! You deserve it. Make yourself a priority. You really cannot go around wearing clothes many sizes too big for you.

Also congrats and well done on the weight loss!!

If you have access to the money & are considering sensible levels of spending within the family budget its not clear your husband is stopping you?

If your kids are almost grown why aren't you working full time? Perhaps if you did you'd regain a bit of financial confidence and independence.

OP, you need to test the water. Go and get a coffee and sit in a cafe and read a book for 30 minutes. Get used to doing things for yourself and build up slowly.

If you are grocery shopping - think of one thing you never buy but YOU like - add it. And make sure you sit down to enjoy it properly and don't et anyone's demands interrupt you. (You may not relax and enjoy it because that's not what you are used to anymore - but you need to teach yourself to do that again)

Next time you are shopping and DH is picking up designer gear - pick up a full price pair of jeans and a top and say you are getting these. An M&S jeans and top will come around 50-60pounds full price. Get them.
If he stops you - you know you have a DH problem too.

Why should your husband make the change for you, as you state? You've got to do it for yourself. I recently lost 3 stone and no one helped me. I just decided I was going to, and so I did.

You're acting like he's your father, not your husband. You've repeatedly said he's not stopping you, so this means you're stopping yourself, yet you still think he's the one in the wrong, somehow?

Honestly assuming your DH is true to his word, this is potentially a win-win situation.

Have a look online, tot up what you'd like to get clothes wise and add on the cost of a haircut/colour and anything else you fancy as part of your post weight loss needs.

Tell him you need x much to cover this and are just letting him know so he doesn't get a surprise when he sees it come out of the account.

Then use your new found confidence to go job hunting so you don't have to be in this position again.

You were comfortable but not rolling in it (your words) before you found PT work. You now work PT so I fail to see how you can’t pay for a hair cut or a new dress. This doesn’t sound like your husband or your life choices / financial decisions for you not to work are impacting it, it sounds like you’re self imposing these restrictions and it’s not clear why.

As others have said, most of this seems self imposed. I've lived with a financially abusive husband, yours isn't.
Make the hair appointment, decide on a budget for the clothes, it's only you deciding that you can only buy from the sale rail, not your husband telling you this.
Grab your self esteem, ask a friend to go shopping with you or do an online order, stop with the martyrdom. If you've been a SAHM then you have 'worked' for your kids and family.
Start looking for full time work, put the feelers out, you may be surprised at what transferable skills you have.
If you don't have access to money for clothes etc then that needs to be addressed and a monthly budget decided

Yes she is. She’s clearly blaming him in her op. This woman works, she got back into the work place after a long period out. She earns, she has full access to money. This isn’t lack of confidence. In fact it takes a lot more confidence to walk about in clothes several sizes too big and bad hair and blame your 0ld man.

You need to re-organise the family finances:
A joint account for all household and joint expenses, including bills, weekly food shop, cleaning stuff, minor repairs and household equipment, gifts from both of you to other people, family holiday, Xmas, joint socialising, etc.
All income from both of you gets paid into the joint account.
A current account each for personal expenses like clothes, and 'fun' money.
From the joint account, you each get the same allowance transferred into your current accounts. That is then for you each to spend or save just as you choose.
Neither of you should buy clothes or other personal items using the joint account.
Negotiate whether phones and cars are joint or personal.

You need to work out a household budget, including joint short-term and long-term savings, to work out how much personal allowance you each get per month.
Sit down with DH asap, explain how you are feeling, and state that you need this new set up, so that you know how much you can spend on yourself guilt-free, and you know that he has the same to spend on himself so it is all completely fair.

He may push back because he doesn't want to feel limited by a personal allowance. Absolutely insist on doing the budget together, to show him just how big the personal allowance that you both get can be. He may be happy to go ahead when he sees that this money will be just for him, to spend on himself with no oversight or explanation or guilt (just as yours will be).

If he won't agree, then he has a control issue, and you have a big problem.

He’s already told her it’s fine.

“Many couples” do not agree with this at all. And no, I don’t have sympathy for people who choose domestic servitude then are surprised it leaves them feeling downtrodden and shit. Terrible dynamic all round.