AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

You aren't placing any financial value on your cooking, cleaning etc. Would it maybe help to look up average housekeeping/chef salaries in the UK and add that to the amount you earn part time? And back date it, adding on childcare fees etc? Because you've saved your family a huge amount of money. If you weren't there, in order to stay in the same career your husband would have forked out quite a bit by now. Don't undervalue yourself.

Eta or he would have had to do all the housework, admin, cooking etc himself. I suspect he may have at least forked out for a cleaner and childcare.

If you don't have access to the family money to buy yourself new clothes or go for a haircut then that is the problem and you need to sort that out and there is something very off about your dh not recognising that you need independent access to money.

Otherwise the problem lies with you. Go shopping. Get a haircut. Ask yourself why you need permission from him to do so when you actually don't. Maybe talk to a therapist for a bit. Of course the man isn't going to say "yeah your clothes suck and your hair could use a cut" not if he has any sense. You need to work on your own sense of self-esteem and the value you put on yourself because no one will solve that for you - you have to do it.

You've got this back to front. The self worth comes firstly from you, not from someone else "seeing" you. That's why it's called self worth. You can't expect your husband to validate your existence. You're a person in your own right. Maybe you would benefit from some counselling. Do you ever do anything for yourself? Reading, exercise, any kind of treat just for you?

What exactly are you finding so funny about a woman who in one post states:

”[I] feel overlooked”

“I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less”

“[I’m] losing myself”

“[I’m] feeling crappy”

“[I] don’t feel confident enough to spend the money”

“I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more”

“I buy the bare minimum for myself”

”It hurts”

“my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve”

Meanwhile her husbands perspective/attitude is:

“always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in”

“my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter [to him]”

“my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes”

“my husband… do[esnt] notice or care”

meanwhile her husband is suiting himself buying designer gear.

It’s not about her being “helpless” it’s about the OP - for whatever reason - clearly struggling with feelings of inadequacy.

posters ridiculing her about him having to do things for her, take her shopping in the big town, stop being a martyr aren’t being helpful.

no one writes a post like this OP without feeling a deep seated sense of worthlessness.

its possible its entirely in her head, but as someone who has supported women who have suffered coercive control, these sorts of feelings rarely take hold to this degree within the parameters of a healthy loving relationship

I just couldn’t imagine wanting to go shopping with a bloke.

Pick that phone up and message one of your female friends or your daughter (if you have one) and plan a lovely ladies day out. Shopping first for a new outfit, then a nice coffee and cake, then off to have your hair and nails done, then a lovely lunch, followed by a bit of shopping for perfume/make-up, then cocktails.

Nobody can make you value yourself. If it was that easy, low self confidence or low self-esteem would not exist, because it could be erradicated by someone close saying 'you are worthy'. Without realising it you are perpetuating the problem with this mindset. You are effectively saying that you will be able to address your issues, as long as someone else - husband- validates your feelings first. If he doesn't 'see' you, you then have the perfect excuse to carry on as you are, to not make changes and not address your issues.

He'd probably love you to freshen up but doesn't like to say anything. Why not set a budget for a decent haircut, some new makeup and two new summer outfits, and surprise him.

You've got a form of learned helplessness going on. You feel you need your husband's permission to spend joint funds on yourself. He's told you to go buy stuff. But you need more from him. Do you want him to escort you around the stores?

You're walking around stores in clothes 5 sizes too large held up by a belt while your husband is buying designer clothes there. And this is your choice.

Martyrdom is not pleasant for those around it. The martyr doesn't get rewarded for being a martyr. They're actually a pain in the ass.

So go get the haircut and buy some clothes that fit. If you can't do that, therapy.

Just go shopping on your own and get stuff ?

You need to find a way to stop looking to others for validation. You need to ‘see’ yourself. You will get far more respect and attention if you do this

Bluntly this is a you problem not a DH problem. You being a SAHM has enabled in part his professional success and the family’s current financial situation.
Do it in steps

1. book a haricut at a nice Salon with an experienced hairdresser.
2. Allocate yourself a budget eg £500 go to a decent store eg John Lewis and buy a full outfit including shoes.

This arrangement has totally infantilised you, OP.

Have you considered finding part-time voluntary work, alongside your current paid hours, to help to build your skills and confidence? Your children are almost grown, so hopefully things like housework, cooking etc is not all on you. It sounds like you need to rediscover who you are outside of being a wife and mother, which is hard to do if you still spend most of your time filling that role. I'm not saying abandoned the family, but they are old enough to do more for themselves and each other.

You can see that poster is stand alone. And n0 one else thinks in this way, I understand you want your husband to do all these things for you, but most adults do not want their partner to buy them clothes, you’re not a child.

And also this could easily be misconstrued as ‘my husband thinks I’m frumpy and don’t make enough effort to look good for him’ and followed by lots of posts about how he should love her just as she is etc.

In this situation it really doesn’t sound like he can win, OP. You need to do the work on you.

He has said as such but when we actually get to the shops we somehow come out with things for him not me, it has happened so often that I don’t even get my hopes up anymore

Because you chose not to buy anything, you know you can, wanting your husband to buy them for you whilst telling you you deserve them is a little disturbing,

I have no words.

But if you have equal access to the money, what are your hopes up for? He probably sees this literally whereas you see it emotionally. You CAN go and do the same thing as him, he doesn’t need to hold your hand and force you to do it - you’re making a choice not to. And we tend not to want to be infantilised or have choices made for us either….

I think he’s in a tricky position here - you need to take yourself shopping and tell yourself you’ve not leaving until you’ve bought X,Y,Z or spent £X just on you.

I can picture exactly what you mean because I find shopping with my husband quietly frustrating in so much as he can be full of joy and have picked up 10 outfits he loves and looks amazing in, while I haven’t so much as found a single thing, when the purpose of the trip was actually for me to find X for Y event. But when I take the emotion out, it’s more he shops with ease and I make it REALLY hard work for myself.

But he's not a mind reader! I couldnt bear it if someone was expecting me to "cajole and persuade them" to book a haircut and choose a dress while they quietly resisted in a martyr-like way. Dear God, just go buy yourself some new clothes and stop waiting for your husband to lift you up to the clothes on a gold pedastel all the while reassuring you that you deserve them...

I’m sorry that’s a bit much wanting him to buy you clothes. And you don’t need a voucher he’s given you full access to his earnings,

We may need to agree to disagree, as I see you trying to absolve her of all personal responsibility and make it her husbands responsibility. This man has supported her , gives her full access to money, tells her she looks fine, tells her it’s not right, needs to change, all he’s not done is bought clothed for her.

trying to make it his fault, doesn’t help her, others are trying to help her, irrelevant of how harsh you find it, because if she takes personal responsibility, understands it’s her imposing these things on herself then complaining about him, she’s more likely to act.

she is perfectly capable of going and getting her hair cut, or buying some new clothes, instead she is choosing not to, whilst complaining he’s lots of stuff. When asked she admits she’s the same access she simply chooses not to.

Well you could wait for him to do this forever. Stop expecting him to know what you want without telling him.